The talk.

I've been talking to B for like the past hour.
We were talking about friendship and how we feel like they've changed over the years.

I told her I feel like I have no one I can turn to for the big life stuff anymore, well... not like I used to.

I'm not close with anyone anymore. I don't confide in anyone as much as I used to.

I feel like I can't keep letting my walls down and opening my heart to people, if all they're going to do is throw it back in my face.
Granted.. not everyone has mistreated my being so open with them, and I'll fight to keep those friendships for as long as possible.
But most people haven't been so kind.

I don't know if I can keep letting those people take and take and take from me.

There's not much left to give.

My heart isn't as big as it used to be.

There's cracks and holes, it's imperfect.

L once told me that I don't have much to offer anyone.. because I'm damaged.

The sad part is.. I can't completely dismiss what she said.

I am damaged.. broken. I have been for years. I have dents in my heart that take time to fix.

I'm needy at times, I don't always say what I'm thinking and when I do it comes out wrong, I don't always do or say the right things, and I have the shittiest memory in the world.. which will definitely get on your nerves. I'm a pain in the ass. I know all of that.

I realize all of that doesn't make me an ideal candidate for a girlfriend or a friend.

But I'm also one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. I won't lie to you. I won't cheat. I will always be there for you, no matter how busy I am or who I'm with or what time of day/night it is. I'll support you in everything that you do, and be at as many of your events or programs as possible simply because I want you to know that I'm there for you. I won't judge you. I'll try to cheer you up when you're crying, or just hold you as you cry if you need to. I treat my friends better than I treat my family, because my friends have been more like family to me than my own family has.

I'm a good person. And there's a lot of qualities about myself that I like.
However, I think that I need to start being less emotional. Maybe it's time to let some of my "old" personality come back. Get back to being more carefree. Not let the small or big things get to me. It could be a good thing. What the hell, let's give it a shot.
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The talk with B did me some good. Started off sad, ended on laughter. She officially thinks my housemates are the best just because of hearing the types of conversations we all come up with.
.. just no mentioning the "P" word.. haha. It grosses her out. =P

Ah well. Maybe this "bad day" hasn't turned out so bad after all. As my mom always says, "Only think about the positive." Negativity breeds negativity, and that's something that I don't need right now.
So, I'm off to watch My Cousin Vinny because Marisa Tomei always makes me laugh when she does this scene...

And this scene.. lol. Gotta love her rants.