Memorial Day.

If I'm being honest, I haven't slept, at all, in days.

I'm barely eating, and what little I do eat is forced.

Despite all I have to worry about, this one constant is at the front of my thoughts.

I can't get this out of my head, no matter how much I try.

And I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

I know I should keep my distance for now, and I'm going to try.

But see, the thing is.. I told myself I wouldn't let anyone get this close to me, that I wouldn't let anyone in this far.

She knows almost as much as KMC did about me. Yes, I let her get that close to me.

And that's probably the thing that scares me the most.

[side note: this will probably stress her out even more if she reads this, but trust me, it's not intended to stress her out. there are a million reasons for me writing this, and that doesn't even come into play. it's mostly for my own piece of mind, so i can work through what i'm feeling. i can't function like this.]

I value her friendship above a lot of others, even some people I've known since I was little.

I realize that some of my actions stress her out, and I can see why.

My anxiety hasn't been kind to me this past year, and I doubt hers has either.

But what I can't understand is why aren't I being forgiven yet.

Yes, I was grumpy. Yes, I was slightly bitchy.

But I'm also entitled to my feelings and opinions.

Of course, some part of my wants to ask why it's not automatic, this forgiveness.

And no, this next part isn't meant as a jab to her.

But ever since the other night, I keep thinking about all the times when she's said, "I'm sorry."

When she would get anxious, when she'd yell at me, freak out, etc.

Most of the time, the first words out of her mouth after those things were, "I'm sorry."

My response was pretty much instant, "It's okay."

I forgive easily. Or at least, I try to.

Those are small things to me.
Yeah, I may have gone outside once or twice while she was asleep so that she couldn't hear me, and let loose with the crying.
And I did end up crying before one of the bouts.
I was kind of in shock that she really thought that I was purposely trying to ruin her day.
Because I wasn't. I know those days are hard for her, but all of the ways I help people don't seem to work with her. I was still trying to come up with different ways to help.
Anyway, I digress.

She needed a way to vent, and I was there.

It's better than her punching a hole through a wall.

I understand that not everyone can get over certain things quickly.

But right now, everyone needs to understand that I'm trying my hardest to keep things together.

I'm going through a lot.

And there's things I haven't told anyone.

Days where I do things I promised myself I wouldn't.

And I sit on my bed at night and think about what an idiot I am for letting them happen.

And I work so hard, every day, to keep them at bay. To overcome them. To not let them happen again.

And I'm succeeding, one by one.

I'm also concerned with the possible loss of friendship.

I care about this woman a lot, and her friendship means the world to me.

Yeah, we've had some big road bumps, and we'll probably have some more in the future.

But her friendship was almost to the level of KMC and I.

Which is probably when things started going off track.

Because I'm afraid of having someone else be that close to me.

Losing her was bad enough.

This friendship has strengthened me in ways that no one will probably ever see.

It even helped me get through the KMC situation, and that in itself is a huge thing.

Because people like her are rare in life.
She truly is an amazing person.
I'd be a fool if I didn't fight to keep her in my life.
But I guess the best I can do right now, is to let her be and give her time to work whatever is going on in her life out, along with her thoughts on the "me" situation. That's definitely something I cannot press her about. So, I'll probably be missing the next derby event or two. She doesn't need the added stress, because derby is pretty much her life, and I want those to be happy days.
I'll probably have to work on those days anyway. Which sucks, but hey, that's life.

So, on this dreary Memorial Day, I'm hoping work will distract me. There's something good about going there. The people and the atmosphere.. it brightens my mood. Yeah, it gets busy as hell and yeah, I have to work with my boss today (which probably means I'll slip up and make mistakes more than usual), but K will be there to encourage me and to help me. And since it's a holiday, the business should keep my thoughts quiet for 7 hours.

After work I have to call my brother and hope he answers. I have a huge favor to ask him, and I hate asking for favors.

Then I have an apartment showing. The 2nd one yesterday wasn't too bad. I didn't like the outside steps, and the neighborhood isn't as pretty as one would hope for, but it's a decent place. Small, and I'd be doing some cleaning on it, but it's decent. Let's hope today's place is good, even if it's a studio apartment.

Well, I should go get ready for work. So much to do today.

pc.