This.. was yesterday.

She really knows how to get under my skin. Mmm.. 

and no, that wasn't too sexual for what it's

being used for (convo with C, y'all wouldn't get it).

Confession #14

A conversation I had with JB today really has me curious.. she's in this group on our campus that talks about their experiences with BDSM, and she told me about a few of them getting together to tie knots with rope. She showed me this picture of one of the girls with a rope corset.. like this guy had tied knots in the rope while wrapping it around her and it legit made a bangin corset.

Interesting...

Confession # 13

She has my whole heart, and she knows it. And she'll be home in 16 days, and hopefully I'll get to see her soon after. Gahh, why does she have to be so adorable? <3

__________________________________________________

The Motorcycle Diaries is one of the most boring movies I've ever seen.. and I have to write a movie review on it. Only have a page and a half done. It's so hard to concentrate when she keeps texting me being all cute and shit. Grrr.. this girl needs to get home like NOW. I'm beyond excited to see her, even if she is a HUGE distraction from my schoolwork. And she knows she's a distraction, which is even worse but slightly hilarious.

Also, the words "high libido" make me giggle, A LOT. Haha. Most random convo ever. Gotta love her.

________________________________________________

Currently sitting in NL's room, trying to write the movie review while she does homework. You guessed it, I can stay with her until I switch to staying with JB sometime wednesday. It's nice not having to worry about where I'll be sleeping. Let's hope the worst is over.

Oh, and I had a convo with B yesterday. We decided to start over (except for the all the shit we already know about each other, because that took a long time to find out). I'm glad we're back on track. I hope she can come here in March for the roller derby bout. She was supposed to come last month, but with me being technically homeless, things kind of got ruined. She was mad excited though, and said that if the Battle of the Bands (her band is playing) doesn't switch from the 15th to the 19th (something to do with it possibly being a bad day and not having a large audience on a weekday) then she'll come visit for the day/weekend. I'm so glad things are getting back on track with us.

Confession #12

Confession: I've always been terrified of falling in love. It's the one time where you have to leave yourself completely, 100% vulnerable. And.. where you have to trust this person with your heart. It terrifies me that I may not be able to do that.. and if I do.. well, if you look at my romantic history.. I'm pretty sure you can tell it has never worked out. I'm hoping that there's a first time for everything.

Also, I have the hugest crush on Sash from Suicide Girls. She has the most amazing eyes, and her lips.. UNF. Enough said. I mean, fuck.. look at her. =) She's beautiful.

Disclaimer: this photo can be found at:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150101272374823&set=a.56870394822.69158.6020654822&pid=6499897&id=6020654822
__________________________________________________________
2434) I am disgustingly obsessed with seeing my bones.
This used to be true about me. I used to be obsessed with people being able to see how skinny I was. My shoulder blades stuck out (the skin was always super tight around the bones that stuck out), my ribs stuck out.. my spine was the worst. Being a girl with huge boobs who only weights 98 pounds isn't the best thing for your spine strength.. or you health. I'm a lot better now.. but sometimes, just like everyone else, I have my body image issues. And I wish to be not so skinny as all my bones being visible.. but just..  I dunno.. 15 or 20 pounds lighter.. which would then make me 110 or 105 pounds. Which would also probably cause my doctor to have me intubated. She actually told me that once.. that if I didn't gain weight, they'd have to intubate me and feed me that way.. back in May I had this health scare where I lost like 15 pounds (I was 130, and I know that doesn't seem like a lot of weight, but on me.. any weight loss looks like a big amount just because of the way I'm built) and was always exhausted, dizzy, nauseous. Anxiety attacks (which I'd never had before). I fainted a couple times, and I couldn't keep food down (and NO, it wasn't on purpose). This has nothing to do with my previous history with eating disorders. I WAS trying to gain weight. Shakes, tons of food, etc. Nothing helped. I ended up having to go through a bunch of tests to see what was wrong. Hearing the words, "We're just checking to make sure it's not diabetes or cancer, even though I'm sure that's not it,"freaked me out. Like, why scare someone when you're almost positive it's not those. They could've just said, we're checking for scar tissue or ulcers or something, anything other than that. In the end, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. They said I was fine and could go on my merry way. Okay.. so if I was fine.. why did I continue to experience those symptoms for months after? Anyway, I never want to go through something like that again. But that statement, and this video (below) have made me think a lot about what I've been through, and I realized that I need to find a way to keep it in my head that I'm beautiful. And I WILL find a way to do this. I never want to go back to that statement above. NEVER.

Gahh, I so want to go to this.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Confession #10:
I wish she had faith in me.

Confession #11:
I hate being intentionally ignored. Not cool.

Thank the Goddess for amazing friends.

One of the brothers in my frat (one I formed a good friendship with when I was pledging) told me I could stay with her as long as I needed to, as long as it's after Monday. She is a complete sweetheart, and I adore her to pieces. And no, not just because she's letting me stay with her lol. She's an amazing person either way, and we have pretty much the same personality, except that she's even more outspoken than I am. Gotta love bluntness. =) I feel like a HUGE weight has been lifted.

Now.. I just have to find a way to get back to school.. Hoping NL can give me a ride back tomorrow, and that I can stay with her until Tuesday morning. If this happens, I will be so incredibly happy. Then all I need to do is bug my landlord to get everything fixed asap.

Off to do some homework... or at least make an attempt at it. I've been lost in this series I used to read in high school, about this girl who gets into Wicca and finds out she's adopted. Kind of hits close to home with everything she feels.

I did hear from C last night, even if it was only one text. She told me that she needs to know that when she moves back, she'll have me. I will say that I may have snapped at her, via text message. How many times do I have to say I'm hers? How many times do I have to prove that I love her and don't want to be with anyone else? I just hope what I said will be enough for her.

...

I miss you.

And I honestly don't know what to do about it. I don't know whether you're giving me the cold shoulder.. or if you're just too busy to pay attention.

It scares me.. because the way you've been acting has the old you written all over it.

I love you, and I wish things weren't like this.

THIS. ^^^

Oh, my life.

Why can't things with her be like this at least half the time?

Algophilia: Sexual arousal from the experience of pain sensations.

Mmm.. ;) Sometimes this can be a good thing. But, my body can only take so much. After having my entire back basically flayed apart with a whip (I definitely blacked out so I don't know how long that took, but I'm guessing awhile since whips normally only cause welts on my skin), I've stayed away from such toys. I'll just stick to the biting and scratching, thank you very much.

There was really no point to this post, but I saw the definition on tumblr and had to get the memory out. What a day.

Apparently we might be moving back into our old apartment. Well.. at least those of us that live upstairs. The boys that live downstairs are already in the process of moving out. *le sigh* There's a lot that needs to be worked out if I'm going to continue to stay there. As it is, our landlord has given us a time frame of everything being fixed (well.. not the roof or ceiling, but everything that's needed for us to move back in) between this friday and a week and a half from now.. WTF. He's had since Feb 12th to fix this shit. Its work that could be done in a few hours. GJ said he saw people in the basement fixing the pipes for the furnace and the pipes that burst when the water froze after the heat was turned off. Let's hope they finish everything soon... being that I have no way to get to my classes next week (as my aunt is going away and can't take me with her every day) and still no place to stay. Hopefully NL comes through and I can crash on her couch for a little while. She just has to ask her roommates because they have a 3 day only rule.. but it's definitely going to take more than 3 days. They've all met me, we've hung out a couple times, and it's not like I'd be there during the day. I'd just be at classes and the library all day until like 9 or 10pm and then go straight to bed. I wouldn't be bugging them or eating there food, etc. *fingers crossed* I just want this bullshit to be over so I can get back to normal. if I miss another frat meeting I'll be on warning, and one more after that and they'll declare me inactive. =/ I can't have that, I love my brothers and all the volunteering we do. I miss it.

Confession #9

I'm tired of fighting with my mother. I'm tired of her pretending she's always right. I'm tired of her yelling at me for small things that aren't even my fault. I'm just plain tired.
________________________________________________________

"Follow me into the sea
We’ll drown together and immortalize you and me
Leave behind this lonely town
We’re both better than this, it’s not worth being down

Eternity will never be enough for me
and eternally will live our infallible love"
______________________________________________________

I have this terrible feeling that C and I aren't going to work out.. and it makes me want to cry. We haven't talked in days, and I've been worried about her ever since we talked because of what happened to her.



Let go of yourself,
Let your words disappear,
And release all the tension,
Let go of your fear,
As you look at me I can feel the warmth in your eyes.

Smile three times and I'll kiss your lips
You speak of the way my heart skips a beat when your near me,
So smile if you can feel me.
And I, I'm blown away by you,
And every little thing you do.

So hold me close, it'll all be okay.
And even when my world falls apart, I'll still love you anyway.
Anyway, anyway.
When the sky disappear and my bones turn to dust,
Even when it's all over there will still be us together.
You and me, together.

So stay with me a while.
Throw these worries out the window.
My futures in your eyes,
Life has never been so simple.
So stay with me a while,
We'll throw these worries out the window.
My future's in your eyes.
Life has never been so simple.

So hold me close, it'll all be okay.
And even when my world falls apart, I'll still love you anyway.
Anyway, anyway.
When the sky disappears and my bones turn to dust,
Even when it's all over there will still be us, together.
Just you and me, together.
Oh, together.
Just you and me, together.

Confession #8

I really am trying my hardest to get back to normal. Although, that doesn't seem to be good enough for everyone else. It's my life, not yours. If it takes me a little while longer to get over these 2 particular things that "most people", so be it. I'm not most people. Y'all can just piss off as far as I'm concerned.

Kthx.

Confession #7

I finally told my adoptive mom about meeting my birth mom freshman year. She did lecture me about not telling her right away, but it was nice to be able to share my baby pictures with her, since the only ones she had were of me when I was 10 months old or older.

I really need to stop daydreaming so much. For example, when I was in the car with my mom today on our way to Michael's to get go shopping for some frames and scrapbook stuff, I zoned out and went into this elaborate random daydream about being in IN and seeing C at a club (no idea where that random scenario came from), and my mom's voice finally breaks through my reverie, asking if I've heard a word she's said. Of course, I hadn't. I felt kind of bad because though I'm home for about 10 days, my mom and I haven't spent a lot of time together. Like, I just can't handle spending tons of time with her. It just causes us to fight and get angry and she always thinks she's right or she lectures me constantly. I'm not sorry that I don't want to subject myself to getting lectured about my choices in life, but I do feel bad because I know she misses my brother and I whenever we go back to school. *le sigh*

I haven't been sleeping well. It's worse than normal. B keeps telling me she's having nightmares. Yeah? Join the club. Every single night. This needs to stop. I'm like a fucking zombie during the day because I'm getting zero sleep.

Going to the doctor's office in the morning. That should be fun.. not. Bright side? Going to get pictures developed (FINALLY) so I can start on my scrapbook, and possibly buying new sneakers and such. =)

Oh, and this is a pretty awesome video collab that this girl Kaitlin (http://organizationxiii.tumblr.com/) created. It was mad cute.

Confession # 6

Hmm..

I keep wondering if this girl actually wants to be friends with me, or already considers me a friend.. because like.. every time I write back to her emails, texts, etc.. I don't know.. She'll email or text me or whatever and say something that obviously means I'm supposed to respond, but when I do she completely ignores what I've said, or any attempt to bring forth a conversation. I dunno.. it also seems like she wants the attention and satisfaction of knowing that it bugs me when she ignores me. Like she'll say something that's completely focused on her, and then.. nothing.

It's like when people say hi and you're like hey what's up and they're like nothing much. Oh.. okay. So basically you just wanted 5 seconds of attention?

Dunno.. just gonna ignore it from now on. No use getting annoyed over stupid shit.

I missed 3 days of confessions, So.. here it is.

Confession # 3:
I've been insulted while out to dinner with a female friend (just a friend) by the waitress who was serving us. Like seriously, just because two women go out to dinner together does not automatically mean they're gay. My friend is straight. But we were both insulted with some homophobic slurs. It completely ruined dinner and I said I would never go back there again. I'm happy that they closed for good.

Confession # 4:
I had the hugest crush on this girl that was in my Human Sexuality class last semester. Like, every time she'd walk into the classroom she'd look my way. And it was weird, like I knew without turning around that she'd walked into the room. But, of course, neither one of us got up to talk to the other. I'll admit that I was a big coward on that one. Who knows. Maybe she thought I was cute, or maybe I just imagined her looking at me, and not just in my general direction. Oh well.

Confession # 5:
I'm both scared shitless and extremely ecstatic for C to come home next month. I don't know what's going to happen. But I'm still hoping for the best.

Fuck.My.Life.

Why is it that when 1 good thing happens, 6 bad things have to happen?

We basically have to look for a new apartment. Our old one was illegal (and we had no fucking idea) and too many of us were living there than were supposed to. This is so fucked up right now. I don't even know how we're supposed to search for an apartment to stay in for only 3 months when we have no place to live when we get back to school. I can't keep commuting with my aunt.

I honestly don't know what to do right now. GJ is supposed to call me either tonight or tomorrow after the meeting with the landlord (only 4 out of 8 of us can go since most of us are home for February break).

I am going to flip the fuck out. If I see my landlord, I'll probably end up kicking him in the balls.

We're gonna end up suing him for all of our rent back. This is ridiculous.

There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you’d better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you’ll never understand what it’s saying.

—	Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

I saw this video on youtube.. this new chick for funnygaykids.. this part of the convo cracked me up.

Cassie: I like tongue.. during intercourse. Like.. any other kind..
Leah: I like tongue but not in my mouth.

Later on..
Cassie: My vagina is a labyrinth.

haha. =)

SECOND TEST VIDEO FOR FMP - HALF EDIT.

Kind of in love with this video.

Nice Dance..! (MAD) [HQ]

Sitting in the library with KC.. massively bored. I don't think I did well on either of my exams today.. I dunno.. I just haven't been all that focused lately. I think maybe when we get back to school from February break I might make an appointment at the Counseling Center. I think I just need an unbiased person to talk to about K. Yeah, I'm coping. But I haven't actually dealt with a lot of the feelings I've let build up in the past 4 years.. and I don't feel like having them explode on someone I care about.

I had a little convo with KA today, she broke up with her girlfriend, which apparently I have to wait to hear the story. Grrr, she knows I have no patience lol. I keep telling her to come on an adventure with me but she's mean and won't leave FL to come to NY to play. =( She says I have to go there which isn't fair, we're supposed to meet halfway. What state is the exact middle between Fl and NY anyway?

Skype date with GV tomorrow morning. Guess I can forget sleeping in lol. Oh well, we haven't talked in awhile, I think she was mad at me for not being supportive of her relationship with MD. That bitch was seriously psychotic though.. and she was interrupting GV's life so much that her grades were dropping. NOT COOL. I warned her this would happen though, and she still went out with her. I guess they broke up too though. Seems like a lot of relationships are ending lately.

“Stay mad as long as you can because once you’re not mad anymore, it hurts. 
It hurts like hell, and once it hurts that bad you can’t make yourself mad anymore.”
I have to spend the next 11 days at my mom's house.. I'm really hoping it goes well. We fight so much, and I hate it. Hopefully I'll be spending a lot of time with my RFM buddy, AH. And when LH comes home we'll all be able to chill for a day, then I'll have to come back to school. My apartment should be fixed next week though, or at least thats what TP told everyone after he talked to our landlord. I hope that's the case, I'm tired of carrying my entire life around with me all day in a bag.

KC just left to go meet up with her boyfriend, so I'm now sitting here, still procrastinating. I keep going back and forth between this and like 6 other sites. Can you say aimless?

Oh well, gonna get off here and attempt to do some work before I leave to go home in an hour.

Kbyee.

favorite part is like 1:05-1:15 gahh, so good.

le sigh.

"I’ve heard it a million times. “You can do better. You deserve so much more.” In reality, you’re right. But sometimes when you love, you love the person for who they are despite what they’ve done wrong to you. That’s what love does to you. It’s not about who you deserve, it’s about who you want, who you need, and who you love."

I swear being apart from her is the second hardest thing I've had to deal with in the past year. Every day it gets harder.. even though I know that with every day, I'm closer to seeing her again. I miss the way her smile crooks to one side when she knows I'm being silly. I miss sitting in my room, the lights off, her laying on top of me with my fingers trailing down her back because I know it relaxes her, my other hand finding hers, fingers lacing together. I miss talking for hours while completely ignoring the movie that's playing. I miss looking into her pretty eyes and kissing her. I miss how I feel when I'm with her. I don't care about the past, don't care about how much pain she's put me through. I want her here. I want to be with her, to go on cute little dates, to spend time talking, laughing, and kissing, to eventually live together and just be happy. I know that there's so many obstacles in our way, life really is against us.. and the past will always try to hang on to us. But I refuse to not give this a try. It's going to be tough to start out, so much has been done. But I'm going to trust you, I'm going to believe that you want this as much as you say you do. And I'm going to believe that you've changed. I love her. Nothing will change that. And nothing has changed that since we first met. I can't wait to see her.

‎"There will come a time in your life when you become absolutely infatuated with a single soul. For this person, you’d do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why, you have no answer. You’ll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you’ll never find out. And no matter how badly it hurts or how badly you hate it, you’ll love this person for the rest of your life without regret."

This is such a cute pick up line-ish. Found it on some chick's tumblr.

"Do you have a band-aid?.. I kinda scraped my knee falling for you."

I think I may have giggled a bit. =)

Dreams.

"i’ve tried all the things that were supposed to make this fade." - everydaygay.tumblr.com

I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately.. and I have to say, mine are pretty weird. Most of them I can control, others.. I can't. It's usually the really fucked up ones that I have no control over. Like the ones where a close friend kills or tortures me, or I just plain old die in some way. What creeps me out is that while most people (statistically speaking) wake up before they die, I don't. I died, and I see everyone that's in the dream's reactions to my death. I watch them cry.. or laugh (yeah, it makes me feel like shit when this happens). I watch the events that happen after.. the wake, the funeral, everyone talking about the memories we shared, their prayers, me being lowered into the ground, and my friends and family moving on with their lives. I think that this is the most awkwardly painful type of dream to have, because the people who tend to laugh or are happy that I'm dead tend to actually be bad influences in my life. Sick, toxic people that do and say fucked up things to me. It's kind of like a warning sign when I see this happen in my dreams; that I need to be cautious around this person whenever I see them.

Then there's the dreams that include people I've just started getting to know, or have only met once or twice. These are just.. I can't even come up with a word for how weird, sexual, ordinary, innocent, hysterical, romantic, and surprising these dreams can get. Like this person that I started talking to about 2 months ago. Holy shit. Like.. okay, she's definitely an attractive person; gorgeous as hell, has a killer personality. I can actually have in depth, no boundaries, bluntly honest conversations with her. We have a lot in common, and a lot of the same viewpoints and interests. However, I don't see myself dating her, let along having sex with her. I mean, we barely know each other, and don't talk that often. Besides, I'm still in love with C and waiting for her to come home so we can try being together again. But.. I have dreams about this girl. Not all of them are sexual, but a lot of them are.. like 75% of them. We've never hung out or gone on a date, and I've never been to her house, but my dreams are filled with scenarios involving all of these elements. She's tried to be there for me lately, offering support when K died, and offering me a place to stay now that I'm basically homeless in my college town (still commuting from my hometown to class every day). I would honestly have liked to have spent the time with her, getting to know her (and actually being able to see her facial expressions when I say something silly or ditzy, or when she makes a joke). But sadly, she lives too far from my college (and without me having a car - idiotic idea to save money for grad school by not spending money on a car) to stay with her, and she definitely doesn't have the time to act as my chauffeur lol, and I would never ask her to be. But in one of my dreams, I end up staying at her place for a few days. I make her dinner and dessert (as I'm a great baker) one night as a thank you. We watch movies, cuddling for seemingly no other reason than we both love cuddling. A pretty normal night. I fall asleep in her guest room, she in her bedroom. But she does wake me up in the middle of the night. Crawls into bed with me, and snuggling, tells me she has feelings for me, even at this early stage in our friendship. She then kisses me, and everything just takes off. I'm not normally the type of person to have sex with someone (even in a dream) unless we're in a relationship, and definitely not the first time I hang out with someone. But I honestly had no fucking control over this dream, and trust me, I tried. Let me be blunt, the sex we had in that dream was hands down the best sex I've ever seen (dream-wise). She blew my little dream mind. Things I've never tried or even thought were possible. It seriously makes me want to see what would happen if we had sex in real life. But that can't happen. I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone, and I have C. She'd probably yell at me for even admitting this, as I did tell her the other day that I'm not interested in anyone else and haven't even been talking to anyone else romantically. And I'm not. I've had dreams before where I've had sex with someone who I've never been interested in before. The whole thing just confuses me.

I don't know. There's so many dreams that are way too personal to share. But seriously.. they're so fucking weird. Blahhh.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, currently sitting in the Campus Center. My New Latin American Cinema class doesn't start until 2:45. KC and I have to talk to the teacher before class about our papers that are due today, that we didn't do. I didn't realize the amount of work that had to go into it, nor how long the paper was supposed to be, and haven't even watched the Motorcycle Diaries yet (due to me not having an apartment to go to after class, and the internet being shitty at my mom's house). Thankfully, the professor emailed me back and told me we could all work something out because KC and I have been put into a really unfortunate situation. THANK THE GODDESS that my professor understands. She also excused me from last wednesday's class because of my letter to her, letting her know about the K situation and how emotionally unstable I was. I have to leave at 5:30 to meet up with my aunt to go home. I have so much studying to do tonight, ugh. I have two exams tomorrow (thanks to my child psych professor switching the exam and me not finding out until yesterday). Child psych at 8:45am and sociology of culture at 11:45am. Then going back to my apartment again to pick up a sweatshirt and stuff I thought I'd packed but left on my bed instead. *insert RAWR face here* So annoying. I'm having a self-proclaimed class-free day on friday, as both of the classes I have that day are basically pointless (I had an exam in one of them today and the other we don't do anything in).

Also hoping B and I will have a phone convo tonight so we can talk about things and how we can make them better. She and I were starting to have the kind of friendship K and I used to have. It scares me and makes me happy at the same time. If B goes away, I don't know what I'm going to do. That's why I don't know if I should let her in all the way. I definitely don't think I can handle that happening again.

I haven't talked to C since yesterday afternoon. Kind of makes me sad, but I know that we're both really busy these days. She works non-stop so she can save up money for an apartment when she comes home, and I have 6 classes, Project Shape, frat stuff, and all the shit going on with my apartment. I know that it's not always going to be like this though. This summer should be better, and we should be able to spend a lot of time together. Which is something that we both have talked about.

Confession # 2

Confession:
B - I miss the way we used to talk, before K died. I realize that things are different now, and we can't have the same level of intense closeness we had.. but I miss it. I know that she pushed us together for a reason, so we could help each other after she left. I pushed you away, and I'm sorry. I will spend however much time that's necessary to fix this, but I can't do it alone. I need your help.

"I do have feelings for you. but where i’m at right now, i can’t deal with feelings. not for anyone. i love and care about you. and that’s it. that’s what i’ve got. raw."

Confession # 1

So, I saw this random tumblr where people could submit their confessions, and I decided I'm going to share one confession a day (hopefully, if I don't get too busy with everything).

Confession:

I still wonder if you're telling me the truth when you say "I love you" to me. I understand that things are complicated because of the things we talked about and what you deal with on a daily basis, and that you say you've changed, and I see the change. But you used to lie all the time, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell if you're lying, or fully trust that you're telling me the truth. And that scares the hell out of me. I want so badly for this to work.

I don't remember if I've posted this video before, but oh well.

This hear, it beats, beats for only you. (ILoveYou) =)

So, it's been a few days since I wrote.

It's been a long couple of days. Needless to say, I was pretty fucking depressed last week. I've never lost someone that I was THAT close with. Friday I ended up calling my aunt and leaving her a voicemail asking her (amidst tons of crying) if she could take me home that day so I could spend the weekend with my family. I felt like I was isolating myself from all of my friends, even the people I live with. I didn't want to talk to anyone, go out, etc. Anyway, then I called my mom, who immediately upon picking up the phone knew something was wrong. So basically, I went home for the weekend.

The second I walked in the door I felt calm. My mom came rushing over and gave me this huge hug and we talked about K for a short while. Then a bunch of other stuff. For the first time in a long time, I turned my cell phone off. I didn't want to deal with anyone.

A came over (thank goodness for my RFM buddies) sunday and we had a good talk.

It's probably the best time I've ever spent while home. Yesterday I felt so relaxed, ready to conquer anything.

Then, my housemate texted me and told me that they had had to evacuate our apartment because carbon monoxide had been leaking from the furnace for quite awhile, and the detector had just gone off. When T called, he didn't tell me much. Just that we couldn't go back into the apartment until our landlord fixed the furnace. HAHAHA, like that's going to fucking happen. I will be completely shocked if it takes him less than 2 days to fix this. We're all meeting up later today to talk about everything, and T is going to tell us what our landlord said when he talked to him. Please let it be good news. I need a good day.

Oh, and as a side note.. I talked to one of my ex-girlfriends today... (: I swear she makes me float whenever I talk to her. I really want us to get back together, and it seems to be headed in that direction. She called me this morning to tell me Happy Valentine's Day and that she loves me. I was pretty darn giddy after that. She asked me to be her valentine. I don't care if she's far away right now. She's my valentine and I'm happy she asked, even though we can't be with each other right now. She's coming back to NY in March though... hopefully I'll get to see her soon after. *fingers crossed*

I don't even know how this happened.

I've been trying to not to be upset and I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, but I can't. I keep lying to everyone about how I'm doing. I laugh and I smile, I say all the right things. But this is not okay, I'm not okay.

I emotionally collapsed today. I've never cried this hard in my life. Like, when someone I know dies, I cry for like an hour and then a wall goes up and I'm the most non-emotional person you've ever met. I don't mean for that to happen, but it just does. It happened this time, too. Until today. I skipped my second class, I could barely make it through my first. I got home and after about an hour or so, I don't even know what set me off, but everything just caved in. I started crying, and I couldn't stop. My heart physically hurt. They say that when your heart breaks, that it's taken literally, that it actually feels like your heart is physically being torn from your chest. Well, I understand that they are right. That is exactly what it feels like. I verbally attacked B because I was so upset. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I screamed at her.

I don't like how I'm acting. This isn't me. So, I called my aunt and left her a voicemail asking her to take me back to my hometown with her tonight when she gets out of work. Hopefully she says yes. I'm going to pack a bag regardless. And I'm going to hopefully go home for February Break as well. I feel like I just need to be home, near my family. I need to have my mom treat me how she used to when I was 7 years old and upset about something. I need to feel safe and loved again.

I'm going to disappear for a few days, and recover. Heal. Hopefully this works. I want to feel like myself again.

I'm in class, writing this, because I can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be reading two articles for sociology of culture (which is in an hour) and watching this movie for the class I'm currently in, Aztecs, Incas, and Mayas. Last night was just so incredibly stressful though, I can't seem to focus on anything for too long.

All I did yesterday was sit in my room. I had planned on skipping my first two classes, but I had a paper to turn in during the third class, and we were supposed to watch a movie. I cannot thank my housemate enough for telling me to stay home from class and for handing in my paper for me. I don't know, I think I went stir-crazy. I just sat all day, staring into space, reading a book but not really seeing the words. I keep pretending that I'm okay when my housemates are around. I don't want them to realize that my heart is gone. I don't want them to notice that although I'm smiling when I talk to them, the light is gone from my eyes. I want so badly to recover from this, but I know that it's going to be a long time before that happens. Yes, I'll be okay. I'll smile a real smile and laugh a real laugh, and actually mean it when I say I'm doing fine. But there will still be a hole where I held my love for my best friend, and half of me will be missing. I think it's kind of like those people that talk about having a chip on their shoulder or a dent in their armor. I'll be normal again, but I'll still be a bit bruised, damaged. Can people still love me if I'm damaged?

I was talking to B yesterday, and I kind of freaked out when she texted me, because she had taken over K's phone number. Like.. it seems weird.. but we both miss her.. and B wanted a small part of K's life that she could keep as a daily reminder. So, she went to Verizon and asked to have her number switched to K's number. And when she texted me, my heart stopped for a few seconds because I hadn't deleted K's number yet and it said her name and this wave of sadness came over me, and I just started balling my eyes out. I couldn't stop for like an hour.

Anyway, as we're talking, she's telling me all this really fucked up shit that's going on. K has family in Illinois, that she didn't really start getting to know until her mom died. She was in Illinois for like a month and a half between both trips. Her home has been in MA for years and years. Her mom is buried in MA. Her family in Illinois wants her to be buried in Illinois. I flipped out. She BELONGS in MA. They don't even want us to have a funeral for her. They won't let us. Like WHAT THE FUCK. It's so unfair. We don't even get to pay our last respects, I can't see my best friend before she's buried. B is going to try to fight it, her and her roommates might have to get a lawyer involved. I cannot believe her family is trying to take her from her home. She should be buried next to her mom. We decided though, if they won't let us do anything, and we can't fight it, then we're just going to have a reception with tons of pictures of K and flowers and memories. B said I could take one of the posters (her and her roommates made posters with lots of pictures of K on them for the wake and funeral) back to NY with me. She also said I could keep something of K's. I feel so guilty doing this, but I need something of hers so I can keep her with me. I've been feeling so lonely since she died. I feel lost. I need something to remind me that she's still in my heart. Maybe it won't hurt as much.

I asked B to be my Valentine. She said yes. It was actually a happy conversation, we laughed quite a bit, which was nice. Whenever they decide to have the funeral, the day before she's going to drive three hours to get me bring me back to MA, and then we're going to go out to dinner. I need to find her a gift. We only recently started talking so I don't know a lot about what she likes. She's a lot like me so hopefully I can think of something. I think it'll be good for us to get out and do something fun to get our minds off of things. She said that if it's this weekend, I can come to her sunday family day with her. Every sunday, she and her family spend the entire day together. Lunch, movies, bowling, skating. Whatever they all decide on. She says her family will love me, and I hope they do. From what she says, they sound incredibly nice and accepting. And she's also out to her family, which means I don't have to hide that I'm gay when I'm around them. I've had some friends who have extremely homophobic parents and it's so hard to be around them, so I just stopped. It sucks when a friendship has to end because of someone's parent's beliefs. I'm definitely glad her family is accepting.

I strayed into one of my housemate's rooms last night after I got done talking to B. I settled down onto her bed, and just lay there staring into space. We ended up talking for awhile. She played with my hair and rubbed my neck and back, and tried to make me smile. She did end up making me laugh with some of the stories she told. It felt so good to have a normal conversation, something that didn't make me sad. It ended up making me really sleepy, and I passed out within an hour of my head hitting the pillow. It was so nice to actually sleep.

And now.. now I have to make it through classes, and then go home and try to keep my mind busy and off of K until I have leave to go back to campus at 6. I have this frat thing. We're going to be making Valentine's Day cards to send to the elderly and to the soldiers overseas. I'm looking forward to making the cards. It's always relaxing to make something, color, create. I'm not looking forward to facing my frat brothers.. all the sympathy stares and hugs and "I'm sorry"'s. I just don't want to face that.

R.I.P. KMC.

I don't even know how I have the ability to write this right now, I cried for such a long time last night. I think I'm just in shock right now, running on autopilot. I didn't fall asleep until around 5am, and had nightmares that woke me up an hour later. B and I just keep talking and talking and neither of us can figure this out. Her roommates and her took the day off, none of us can handle anything today. I'm skipping my first two classes. I have to go to the last one though, we have a paper due. And there's a movie that we have to watch today that we have to write a paper on. I don't know how I'm going to do this.

B told me the worst news I've ever had in my life. K was found at one of her favorite spots, a little lake she used to go to all of the time. She committed suicide. Those words.. they just sound so unlike her. We were so close, we literally knew everything there was to know about each other. We had no secrets, until recently. Something bad happened before she came home from Illinois. We were talking about it the night she left. She was so upset. I was trying to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept saying that I couldn't do anything and no one could help and nothing I said helped. She told me she was going for a drive and would be back in a few hours. She PROMISED. The thing about K is, she doesn't break promises, EVER. Especially not with me.

We were more than best friends. I can easily use the term soulmates when talking about our friendship. She knew literally everything about me, and the same went for her. We knew each other for four years, four years where not everything went right, but we always stuck by each other. When B.A. and J.S. died. When her mom got sick. When A.K. and I broke up, and through the drama throughout that whole relationship. When C repeatedly fucked me over and broke my heart, she was there to pick up the pieces.

We dated several times, and were in love for the majority of the four years. We were honestly so perfect for each other. We knew what the other was thinking 99% of the time, finished each other's sentences (yeah, it's corny, I know), wanted to travel to the same places. We were even planning a trip to Ireland this April. She once considered moving to NY to be with me. But, as it often happens, life got in the way. The distance, although only a few hours, became a problem. We couldn't hold it together whenever we dated. That last time, I know I broke her heart when I ended it. Neither of us could stop crying, and when she told me that she may not be able to speak to me anymore, I pretty much lost it. I pleaded with her for hours not to take it that far, that I was so sorry and a fuckup. She finally said goodbye, and hung up the phone. Thankfully, K could never go without speaking to me for too long. We talked it out the next day and decided to be just friends. That doesn't mean the "us" discussion didn't pop up every so often. I mean, we called each other every night at 9:30, and talked for hours. If anyone thought we wouldn't say I love you before we went to sleep, they were an idiot. Having a friend who loved me that much was the greatest gift I've received in my entire life. And now, I don't have her anymore. I can't call her to vent about my day or to joke. I'll never listen to her make fun of my slight accent. We'll never listen to each other get all sleepy and refuse to go to sleep because we were on the phone with each other and didn't want to hang up. I'll never watch her smile, hear her laugh. Never go on that picnic, or watch movies and snuggle. I'll never have someone who can read my every thought and know exactly what makes me happy and what makes me sad, who knows all the right things to say and actually means them.

I don't think I can handle getting that close to anyone again. I don't think I want to get that close to anyone again. We were supposed to be two old bitties living together (Yes, only as friends. Our wives would just have to deal with it.) in a lime green and bright purple house, with tons of cats, grandchildren running around the house and yard. 

I keep thinking it's not real, that it couldn't have happened because K would never do such a thing. She would never keep her unhappiness from me, her thoughts. She would never leave me. She knew I couldn't handle her dying, I've told her this before. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. B said the funeral should be this week. I don't know how I'm going to react. I can't even cry right now, my body is rejecting every emotion that's trying to come out. I can't feel anything right now. It's like there's nothing in me, nothing left in my heart anymore. People keep calling me and texting me, and I keep refusing to answer. The only person I want to talk to right now is B. I understand that everyone is only trying to help, but talking to them won't help. They don't know K like B and I do. And all the "I'm sorry"'s in the world can't make me feel better. Maybe in a few days I can handle talking to people about it. But right now, I can't handle anything.

Ugh. Why is this week already so shitty?

K has been missing for 4 days now, and B hasn't contacted me yet with any news. So I'm super stressed out about that, and can't concentrate on anything, which isn't going to help with all the exams I have to study for. Even meditation isn't helping. I really wish I could go swimming (that always calms me down), but I honestly don't have the time. =/

And I just got some other news (not related to K) that is stressing me out, too. Fucking a. This month needs to hurry up so I can be near her again. This whole her being hundreds of miles away thing doesn't help.. at all.

So I'm really fucking worried about my best friend, K, right now.

I haven't spoken to her since this past friday and she said she was going out for a drive because she needed to think. I tried to get her to stay home because I could tell she was upset, but I was only on AIM so she just said I'll be on later and signed off. Her roommate and I were both worried about her because she's been dealing with some bad stuff lately and we don't know how to help. Her cell phone was stolen recently so we have no way of contacting her.

I talked to her roommate, B, Saturday and she said K didn't come home that night, and she didn't go to work either (B called K's job to see if they'd heard from her). She didn't even call in. So B checked with the police and the hospitals and hotels seeing if anyone matching K's name or description had been seen, nothing.

So, today B tells me that K still hasn't come home, and still hasn't checked in at work. No one has seen or heard from her since Friday and B has now had to file a missing person's report.

I swear to Goddess if anything happened/happens to my best friend I will not fucking survive it. =(

Please, just let her be okay. Let her turn up somewhere, ALIVE. Let her be unharmed. Please, let her be found.

Okay, so yesterday was a kind of busy but not day. I was supposed to go grocery shopping but ended up being exhausted and slept in for once (seriously, OH MY FUCKING GOD). N and her boyfriend picked me up around 2:30 and we went to the tattoo parlor so N could get her tattoo. When we got there, we were just chillin and C comes out and starts talking to me like I'm getting another tattoo and I'm like uh I wish, just getting mine touched up, my friend is getting her's done. Turns out, I couldn't get mine retouched because my skin had an allergic reaction to the color of the stars and wasn't completely healed, so I have to wait a little longer. N's tattoo took 3 hours, but turned out pretty awesome. C basically redid N's nautical stars and the added some swirls and sparkle stars to the design to fill in the space.

After that we went back to N's and a couple people were already there. We watched a movie, and then the drinking began. I'll admit that I did get slightly intoxicated. We were all singing, dancing, yelling, etc. It was a pretty fun night. Then today we all went to this lingerie/sex toy store because we were bored, but didn't find anything really, except I fell in love with this pair of black over the knee tights with a lace up back but I don't know where I'd get them so ended up not buying them.

Got back to campus, had to go to my frat meeting. All of 20 people showed up.. we have a shitload more people than that, but apparently it's superbowl sunday (forgot about that until yesterday) so no one could be bothered to go to the meeting. Honestly, not that interested in football.. like.. at all. So I'm going back to sleep, hopefully.

I don't normally like country, but this one struck a nerve.

Tim McGraw - Why We Said Goodbye


I remember sunday mornings walking on the beach
And that place we’d stop for breakfast with the old red vinyl seats
The hours of the tide chart
The way the sunlight dance upon your face

That antique roller coaster you just had to ride
I remember how you laughed at the terror in my eyes
The color and the detail
Just like it was yesterday

And I remember how you held me the night my father died
I didn’t have to tell you
I just broke down and cried
You’re sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life
And I just can’t remember why we said goodbye

Up and down this boardwalk lonely people sit
I know it wasn’t perfect but nothin’ ever is
The sails out in the harbor
Are searching for the wind

I just had to call you, I had to hear your voice
And tell you I still love you we still have a choice
You’re sewn into the fabric, the pieces of my life
And I just can’t remember why we said goodbye

Everything I do
Leads back to you
I know I just can’t let us go

There must have been a reason, but I can’t remember now
I know if I could hold you we could work it out
You’re sewn into the fabric the pieces of my life
And girl let’s give it one more try
Cause I just can’t remember why we said goodbye 

It always makes me sad to see a friendship fall apart.

This girl and I have been best friends for 4 years. Texting every day, phone call every night at 9:30 for several hours, always there for each other whenever we needed it. A few months ago, her mom died, after being sick for a really long time. I get that she doesn't want my help, doesn't want me to cheer her up, wants me to give her space.

But.. the thing is.. our friendship took a severe hit about 5 months ago.. and we never really recovered. She didn't even want me there for the funeral. I told her I'd cancel my plans.. she didn't even tell me when the funeral was until after it'd happened. One of our mutual friends went instead because she lived closer to her. I would've given anything to be there. She wanted to go back to Illinois to fix what was wrong. I knew she had to go because her family was there and they needed each other.. We ended up not speaking for a month and a half. I tried calling and texting.. she wouldn't answer. Not until her family started saying mean things about her mom. So, she went back to Massachusetts. Her phone got stolen, and she has no desire to get a new one. Her roommate told me she's avoiding talking to everyone. I'm trying to get her and her roommate to come to New York on February 19th. I'm hoping she wants to come.. I miss my best friend. I want us to go back to the way we were before, when we told each other everything and were so close and talked every day.

Seriously.. wtf.

People blow my fucking mind. This friend of mine does not need more people fucking her up. No, she and I did not have sex. Stop telling her things that make her want to hurt herself, or worse. She has enough shit to deal with right now, and doesn't need you adding to it, making her cry, and making her feel worthless. None of the shit you're saying is true so BACK THE FUCK OFF.

I can't say this to the people who are hurting her, because I don't know who they are. But I'm talking to her right now, and she's incredibly upset. This is why she doesn't want to come back to NY. You people are the reason why she's scared to come home. You're causing an incredible girl to want to die. None of what you're saying is true. You're causing more trouble for her, and she doesn't need that right now. Just leave her alone. It's not like you people talk to her, you don't and won't see her on a regular basis. Just let her live her life and be happy. Stop being cowards and own up to the fact that you're destroying someone. JUST STOP.

So yeah.. total fail on my to do list..

The only things I actually did were go to the post office to mail some letters and cleaned my room.. which still isn't done. Thank you B for distracting me online with dorkish stories, and movies for being a way too convenient distraction.

Still, I can always meditate before I go to bed. Hopefully then I'll actually get some sleep after. Insomnia seriously sucks.

B: ugh i need a massage myself from all the shit i had to shovel. it's extremely heavy.

Me: lol i happen to actually give amazing massages (or so i'm told). my friends used to pay me for them, but i refused to take the money.

B: good i wouldn't give you money anyways bitch. haha. i'd give hugs instead

Me:lol i like hugs (:

Why must there be name calling? I was being niceeeeee.

Anyways, I've decided to start off the letter chain tonight. My RFM buddies and I decided over winter break to start writing each other letters (because we used to have these notebooks in high school that we'd all write in and hand off to each other in between classes). We were going to try this once before but it was an utter fail lol. So, I'm going to write all 3 of them letters tonight and mail them out tomorrow. I miss them so much. One of them goes to school all the way in Washington state. One goes to school about 2 hours away, while the 3rd lives in our hometown an hour away from me. All 4 of us tend to get so wrapped up in what we're doing, that we only get reunion times during winter and summer breaks (which is happening even less because we all are off doing our own thing). Ah well, letters it is. Love them so much. <3

*RFM! RULE THE WORLD!* <33

Things to do tomorrow.

(btw, how do I keep getting random ass cuts all over my hands? wtf)

Anyway:

- go to the post office to get stamps and mail the shitload of letters and one of the grad school applications
- finish the last part of my grad school application
- meditate twice, 15 minutes each (I so need to get back to doing this, it decreases my stress level so much)
- yoga
- clean my room (it's never been THIS messy)
- if the roads are okay, go to the mall and buy some new jeans and a scrapbook making kit (cannot wait to start this project)
- job/apartment search

Oh, and what the hell. My ex-girlfriend contacted me again today (second time in the past few days) acting all friendly. She flipped out on my the last time we talked, and randomly today contacted me talking about her new hairstyle and how I should go see her when I go to MA this month (which I'm not even going anymore, ugh). Confusing as fuck.. like.. I just don't get it. This girl doesn't talk to me for almost 3 months and acts like nothing ever happened.

Oh well. Let's hope tomorrow will be a fresh start. I definitely need it after all the bullshit today.

Now officially fucked.

Officially fucked for finding an apartment for next semester. I honestly have no words for how I feel right now. If she'd told me this shit earlier, I wouldn't be this pissed right now. I just don't even know anymore. Everything was going so well. Fucking a.

I love self-declared snow days :D

My street isn't even plowed.. so yeah. Telling UA to go fuck itself for not canceling classes.

Seriously though.. this snow better not ruin my trip to Deja Vu with N and E. Never been, and so in need of an amusing trip.