Confession #12

Confession: I've always been terrified of falling in love. It's the one time where you have to leave yourself completely, 100% vulnerable. And.. where you have to trust this person with your heart. It terrifies me that I may not be able to do that.. and if I do.. well, if you look at my romantic history.. I'm pretty sure you can tell it has never worked out. I'm hoping that there's a first time for everything.

Also, I have the hugest crush on Sash from Suicide Girls. She has the most amazing eyes, and her lips.. UNF. Enough said. I mean, fuck.. look at her. =) She's beautiful.

Disclaimer: this photo can be found at:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10150101272374823&set=a.56870394822.69158.6020654822&pid=6499897&id=6020654822
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2434) I am disgustingly obsessed with seeing my bones.
This used to be true about me. I used to be obsessed with people being able to see how skinny I was. My shoulder blades stuck out (the skin was always super tight around the bones that stuck out), my ribs stuck out.. my spine was the worst. Being a girl with huge boobs who only weights 98 pounds isn't the best thing for your spine strength.. or you health. I'm a lot better now.. but sometimes, just like everyone else, I have my body image issues. And I wish to be not so skinny as all my bones being visible.. but just..  I dunno.. 15 or 20 pounds lighter.. which would then make me 110 or 105 pounds. Which would also probably cause my doctor to have me intubated. She actually told me that once.. that if I didn't gain weight, they'd have to intubate me and feed me that way.. back in May I had this health scare where I lost like 15 pounds (I was 130, and I know that doesn't seem like a lot of weight, but on me.. any weight loss looks like a big amount just because of the way I'm built) and was always exhausted, dizzy, nauseous. Anxiety attacks (which I'd never had before). I fainted a couple times, and I couldn't keep food down (and NO, it wasn't on purpose). This has nothing to do with my previous history with eating disorders. I WAS trying to gain weight. Shakes, tons of food, etc. Nothing helped. I ended up having to go through a bunch of tests to see what was wrong. Hearing the words, "We're just checking to make sure it's not diabetes or cancer, even though I'm sure that's not it,"freaked me out. Like, why scare someone when you're almost positive it's not those. They could've just said, we're checking for scar tissue or ulcers or something, anything other than that. In the end, they couldn't find anything wrong with me. They said I was fine and could go on my merry way. Okay.. so if I was fine.. why did I continue to experience those symptoms for months after? Anyway, I never want to go through something like that again. But that statement, and this video (below) have made me think a lot about what I've been through, and I realized that I need to find a way to keep it in my head that I'm beautiful. And I WILL find a way to do this. I never want to go back to that statement above. NEVER.