I don't even know how this happened.

I've been trying to not to be upset and I've been trying to keep my mind off of it, but I can't. I keep lying to everyone about how I'm doing. I laugh and I smile, I say all the right things. But this is not okay, I'm not okay.

I emotionally collapsed today. I've never cried this hard in my life. Like, when someone I know dies, I cry for like an hour and then a wall goes up and I'm the most non-emotional person you've ever met. I don't mean for that to happen, but it just does. It happened this time, too. Until today. I skipped my second class, I could barely make it through my first. I got home and after about an hour or so, I don't even know what set me off, but everything just caved in. I started crying, and I couldn't stop. My heart physically hurt. They say that when your heart breaks, that it's taken literally, that it actually feels like your heart is physically being torn from your chest. Well, I understand that they are right. That is exactly what it feels like. I verbally attacked B because I was so upset. I didn't even realize I was doing it, but I screamed at her.

I don't like how I'm acting. This isn't me. So, I called my aunt and left her a voicemail asking her to take me back to my hometown with her tonight when she gets out of work. Hopefully she says yes. I'm going to pack a bag regardless. And I'm going to hopefully go home for February Break as well. I feel like I just need to be home, near my family. I need to have my mom treat me how she used to when I was 7 years old and upset about something. I need to feel safe and loved again.

I'm going to disappear for a few days, and recover. Heal. Hopefully this works. I want to feel like myself again.