Dreams.

"i’ve tried all the things that were supposed to make this fade." - everydaygay.tumblr.com

I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately.. and I have to say, mine are pretty weird. Most of them I can control, others.. I can't. It's usually the really fucked up ones that I have no control over. Like the ones where a close friend kills or tortures me, or I just plain old die in some way. What creeps me out is that while most people (statistically speaking) wake up before they die, I don't. I died, and I see everyone that's in the dream's reactions to my death. I watch them cry.. or laugh (yeah, it makes me feel like shit when this happens). I watch the events that happen after.. the wake, the funeral, everyone talking about the memories we shared, their prayers, me being lowered into the ground, and my friends and family moving on with their lives. I think that this is the most awkwardly painful type of dream to have, because the people who tend to laugh or are happy that I'm dead tend to actually be bad influences in my life. Sick, toxic people that do and say fucked up things to me. It's kind of like a warning sign when I see this happen in my dreams; that I need to be cautious around this person whenever I see them.

Then there's the dreams that include people I've just started getting to know, or have only met once or twice. These are just.. I can't even come up with a word for how weird, sexual, ordinary, innocent, hysterical, romantic, and surprising these dreams can get. Like this person that I started talking to about 2 months ago. Holy shit. Like.. okay, she's definitely an attractive person; gorgeous as hell, has a killer personality. I can actually have in depth, no boundaries, bluntly honest conversations with her. We have a lot in common, and a lot of the same viewpoints and interests. However, I don't see myself dating her, let along having sex with her. I mean, we barely know each other, and don't talk that often. Besides, I'm still in love with C and waiting for her to come home so we can try being together again. But.. I have dreams about this girl. Not all of them are sexual, but a lot of them are.. like 75% of them. We've never hung out or gone on a date, and I've never been to her house, but my dreams are filled with scenarios involving all of these elements. She's tried to be there for me lately, offering support when K died, and offering me a place to stay now that I'm basically homeless in my college town (still commuting from my hometown to class every day). I would honestly have liked to have spent the time with her, getting to know her (and actually being able to see her facial expressions when I say something silly or ditzy, or when she makes a joke). But sadly, she lives too far from my college (and without me having a car - idiotic idea to save money for grad school by not spending money on a car) to stay with her, and she definitely doesn't have the time to act as my chauffeur lol, and I would never ask her to be. But in one of my dreams, I end up staying at her place for a few days. I make her dinner and dessert (as I'm a great baker) one night as a thank you. We watch movies, cuddling for seemingly no other reason than we both love cuddling. A pretty normal night. I fall asleep in her guest room, she in her bedroom. But she does wake me up in the middle of the night. Crawls into bed with me, and snuggling, tells me she has feelings for me, even at this early stage in our friendship. She then kisses me, and everything just takes off. I'm not normally the type of person to have sex with someone (even in a dream) unless we're in a relationship, and definitely not the first time I hang out with someone. But I honestly had no fucking control over this dream, and trust me, I tried. Let me be blunt, the sex we had in that dream was hands down the best sex I've ever seen (dream-wise). She blew my little dream mind. Things I've never tried or even thought were possible. It seriously makes me want to see what would happen if we had sex in real life. But that can't happen. I'm pretty sure she's seeing someone, and I have C. She'd probably yell at me for even admitting this, as I did tell her the other day that I'm not interested in anyone else and haven't even been talking to anyone else romantically. And I'm not. I've had dreams before where I've had sex with someone who I've never been interested in before. The whole thing just confuses me.

I don't know. There's so many dreams that are way too personal to share. But seriously.. they're so fucking weird. Blahhh.

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Anyway, currently sitting in the Campus Center. My New Latin American Cinema class doesn't start until 2:45. KC and I have to talk to the teacher before class about our papers that are due today, that we didn't do. I didn't realize the amount of work that had to go into it, nor how long the paper was supposed to be, and haven't even watched the Motorcycle Diaries yet (due to me not having an apartment to go to after class, and the internet being shitty at my mom's house). Thankfully, the professor emailed me back and told me we could all work something out because KC and I have been put into a really unfortunate situation. THANK THE GODDESS that my professor understands. She also excused me from last wednesday's class because of my letter to her, letting her know about the K situation and how emotionally unstable I was. I have to leave at 5:30 to meet up with my aunt to go home. I have so much studying to do tonight, ugh. I have two exams tomorrow (thanks to my child psych professor switching the exam and me not finding out until yesterday). Child psych at 8:45am and sociology of culture at 11:45am. Then going back to my apartment again to pick up a sweatshirt and stuff I thought I'd packed but left on my bed instead. *insert RAWR face here* So annoying. I'm having a self-proclaimed class-free day on friday, as both of the classes I have that day are basically pointless (I had an exam in one of them today and the other we don't do anything in).

Also hoping B and I will have a phone convo tonight so we can talk about things and how we can make them better. She and I were starting to have the kind of friendship K and I used to have. It scares me and makes me happy at the same time. If B goes away, I don't know what I'm going to do. That's why I don't know if I should let her in all the way. I definitely don't think I can handle that happening again.

I haven't talked to C since yesterday afternoon. Kind of makes me sad, but I know that we're both really busy these days. She works non-stop so she can save up money for an apartment when she comes home, and I have 6 classes, Project Shape, frat stuff, and all the shit going on with my apartment. I know that it's not always going to be like this though. This summer should be better, and we should be able to spend a lot of time together. Which is something that we both have talked about.