I don't even know how I have the ability to write this right now, I cried for such a long time last night. I think I'm just in shock right now, running on autopilot. I didn't fall asleep until around 5am, and had nightmares that woke me up an hour later. B and I just keep talking and talking and neither of us can figure this out. Her roommates and her took the day off, none of us can handle anything today. I'm skipping my first two classes. I have to go to the last one though, we have a paper due. And there's a movie that we have to watch today that we have to write a paper on. I don't know how I'm going to do this.
B told me the worst news I've ever had in my life. K was found at one of her favorite spots, a little lake she used to go to all of the time. She committed suicide. Those words.. they just sound so unlike her. We were so close, we literally knew everything there was to know about each other. We had no secrets, until recently. Something bad happened before she came home from Illinois. We were talking about it the night she left. She was so upset. I was trying to calm her down, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept saying that I couldn't do anything and no one could help and nothing I said helped. She told me she was going for a drive and would be back in a few hours. She PROMISED. The thing about K is, she doesn't break promises, EVER. Especially not with me.
We were more than best friends. I can easily use the term soulmates when talking about our friendship. She knew literally everything about me, and the same went for her. We knew each other for four years, four years where not everything went right, but we always stuck by each other. When B.A. and J.S. died. When her mom got sick. When A.K. and I broke up, and through the drama throughout that whole relationship. When C repeatedly fucked me over and broke my heart, she was there to pick up the pieces.
We dated several times, and were in love for the majority of the four years. We were honestly so perfect for each other. We knew what the other was thinking 99% of the time, finished each other's sentences (yeah, it's corny, I know), wanted to travel to the same places. We were even planning a trip to Ireland this April. She once considered moving to NY to be with me. But, as it often happens, life got in the way. The distance, although only a few hours, became a problem. We couldn't hold it together whenever we dated. That last time, I know I broke her heart when I ended it. Neither of us could stop crying, and when she told me that she may not be able to speak to me anymore, I pretty much lost it. I pleaded with her for hours not to take it that far, that I was so sorry and a fuckup. She finally said goodbye, and hung up the phone. Thankfully, K could never go without speaking to me for too long. We talked it out the next day and decided to be just friends. That doesn't mean the "us" discussion didn't pop up every so often. I mean, we called each other every night at 9:30, and talked for hours. If anyone thought we wouldn't say I love you before we went to sleep, they were an idiot. Having a friend who loved me that much was the greatest gift I've received in my entire life. And now, I don't have her anymore. I can't call her to vent about my day or to joke. I'll never listen to her make fun of my slight accent. We'll never listen to each other get all sleepy and refuse to go to sleep because we were on the phone with each other and didn't want to hang up. I'll never watch her smile, hear her laugh. Never go on that picnic, or watch movies and snuggle. I'll never have someone who can read my every thought and know exactly what makes me happy and what makes me sad, who knows all the right things to say and actually means them.
I don't think I can handle getting that close to anyone again. I don't think I want to get that close to anyone again. We were supposed to be two old bitties living together (Yes, only as friends. Our wives would just have to deal with it.) in a lime green and bright purple house, with tons of cats, grandchildren running around the house and yard.
I keep thinking it's not real, that it couldn't have happened because K would never do such a thing. She would never keep her unhappiness from me, her thoughts. She would never leave me. She knew I couldn't handle her dying, I've told her this before. I don't know how I'm going to get through this. B said the funeral should be this week. I don't know how I'm going to react. I can't even cry right now, my body is rejecting every emotion that's trying to come out. I can't feel anything right now. It's like there's nothing in me, nothing left in my heart anymore. People keep calling me and texting me, and I keep refusing to answer. The only person I want to talk to right now is B. I understand that everyone is only trying to help, but talking to them won't help. They don't know K like B and I do. And all the "I'm sorry"'s in the world can't make me feel better. Maybe in a few days I can handle talking to people about it. But right now, I can't handle anything.
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