I'm in class, writing this, because I can't concentrate. I'm supposed to be reading two articles for sociology of culture (which is in an hour) and watching this movie for the class I'm currently in, Aztecs, Incas, and Mayas. Last night was just so incredibly stressful though, I can't seem to focus on anything for too long.

All I did yesterday was sit in my room. I had planned on skipping my first two classes, but I had a paper to turn in during the third class, and we were supposed to watch a movie. I cannot thank my housemate enough for telling me to stay home from class and for handing in my paper for me. I don't know, I think I went stir-crazy. I just sat all day, staring into space, reading a book but not really seeing the words. I keep pretending that I'm okay when my housemates are around. I don't want them to realize that my heart is gone. I don't want them to notice that although I'm smiling when I talk to them, the light is gone from my eyes. I want so badly to recover from this, but I know that it's going to be a long time before that happens. Yes, I'll be okay. I'll smile a real smile and laugh a real laugh, and actually mean it when I say I'm doing fine. But there will still be a hole where I held my love for my best friend, and half of me will be missing. I think it's kind of like those people that talk about having a chip on their shoulder or a dent in their armor. I'll be normal again, but I'll still be a bit bruised, damaged. Can people still love me if I'm damaged?

I was talking to B yesterday, and I kind of freaked out when she texted me, because she had taken over K's phone number. Like.. it seems weird.. but we both miss her.. and B wanted a small part of K's life that she could keep as a daily reminder. So, she went to Verizon and asked to have her number switched to K's number. And when she texted me, my heart stopped for a few seconds because I hadn't deleted K's number yet and it said her name and this wave of sadness came over me, and I just started balling my eyes out. I couldn't stop for like an hour.

Anyway, as we're talking, she's telling me all this really fucked up shit that's going on. K has family in Illinois, that she didn't really start getting to know until her mom died. She was in Illinois for like a month and a half between both trips. Her home has been in MA for years and years. Her mom is buried in MA. Her family in Illinois wants her to be buried in Illinois. I flipped out. She BELONGS in MA. They don't even want us to have a funeral for her. They won't let us. Like WHAT THE FUCK. It's so unfair. We don't even get to pay our last respects, I can't see my best friend before she's buried. B is going to try to fight it, her and her roommates might have to get a lawyer involved. I cannot believe her family is trying to take her from her home. She should be buried next to her mom. We decided though, if they won't let us do anything, and we can't fight it, then we're just going to have a reception with tons of pictures of K and flowers and memories. B said I could take one of the posters (her and her roommates made posters with lots of pictures of K on them for the wake and funeral) back to NY with me. She also said I could keep something of K's. I feel so guilty doing this, but I need something of hers so I can keep her with me. I've been feeling so lonely since she died. I feel lost. I need something to remind me that she's still in my heart. Maybe it won't hurt as much.

I asked B to be my Valentine. She said yes. It was actually a happy conversation, we laughed quite a bit, which was nice. Whenever they decide to have the funeral, the day before she's going to drive three hours to get me bring me back to MA, and then we're going to go out to dinner. I need to find her a gift. We only recently started talking so I don't know a lot about what she likes. She's a lot like me so hopefully I can think of something. I think it'll be good for us to get out and do something fun to get our minds off of things. She said that if it's this weekend, I can come to her sunday family day with her. Every sunday, she and her family spend the entire day together. Lunch, movies, bowling, skating. Whatever they all decide on. She says her family will love me, and I hope they do. From what she says, they sound incredibly nice and accepting. And she's also out to her family, which means I don't have to hide that I'm gay when I'm around them. I've had some friends who have extremely homophobic parents and it's so hard to be around them, so I just stopped. It sucks when a friendship has to end because of someone's parent's beliefs. I'm definitely glad her family is accepting.

I strayed into one of my housemate's rooms last night after I got done talking to B. I settled down onto her bed, and just lay there staring into space. We ended up talking for awhile. She played with my hair and rubbed my neck and back, and tried to make me smile. She did end up making me laugh with some of the stories she told. It felt so good to have a normal conversation, something that didn't make me sad. It ended up making me really sleepy, and I passed out within an hour of my head hitting the pillow. It was so nice to actually sleep.

And now.. now I have to make it through classes, and then go home and try to keep my mind busy and off of K until I have leave to go back to campus at 6. I have this frat thing. We're going to be making Valentine's Day cards to send to the elderly and to the soldiers overseas. I'm looking forward to making the cards. It's always relaxing to make something, color, create. I'm not looking forward to facing my frat brothers.. all the sympathy stares and hugs and "I'm sorry"'s. I just don't want to face that.