My visit home.

Note: There's going to be a lot of memories, self-reflection, and possibly bearing my soul in this (or these, if this takes up more than one post) blog post. So, if you're actually taking the time to read ALL of this, bear with me. If this isn't read by anyone at all, it's still helping me by getting some of it out. It may not be a lot, but I'm a work in progress at this point.

June 25, 2011

I'm sitting in KC's room right now, listening to the mindless droning of some television show and the rain outside, and I can't help but think about how rain affects people's moods. When the rain's like this, a soft, steady dripping from the sky, I always get a little.. sad and self-reflective.

I've been thinking about KMC a lot the past few days. And wondering why she chose to stick around for so long, when no one else had.. or has (thinking about some current situations). Why? I broke her heart repeatedly. I was so confused and went back and forth for three years about whether I wanted to be with her or not. There was so many cons to the relationship/friendship. I chose C over her.. that was our biggest fight. She knew, that last time, that I'd left her because I had a shot at being with C again. I felt horrible. KMC almost stopped talking to me all together. Three hours of me trying to convince her to stay in my life. She said no, then called me the next day to say it was really fucking hard for her not to talk to me at all, and she stayed in my life. She's the only one who was ever able to put up with everything that I've had to deal with in my life. She was always there for me, every single time I needed her. And in the end, I wasn't able to keep her around, and she left me for good.

"You know those types of friendships, the ones you know will last forever? No matter where life takes either one of you or where you end up in this world, fate always finds a way to pull you back together."

Well, I lost mine. And I'll never be the same. I'll never be whole again.

And I'm still so incredibly angry, even though I have no right to be. I never deserved any of her attention or love, but I fought like hell to keep it, more so when I fucked up.

I've literally been crying for an hour while thinking about her and memories with her. It hurts like hell. Every time I think I'm getting better and moving on, something comes along to remind me of how much I miss her and it knocks me on my ass.

Between everything about KMC and all the other stuff going on, I made a few decisions. I made an appointment with my doctor for Tuesday to talk to her about my anxiety and panic attacks. And I'm going to talk to her about the insomnia as well. So hopefully some good comes from that and we can figure out a solution. And when I get back from being home, I'm going to see if I can make an appointment with the therapist I was seeing this past semester. I should be able to (for free) since I'm still technically a student there (I think). And I liked the therapist I saw. It was awkward, yes, but she was so kind, despite being shocked at a brief overview of the fucked up events that have made up my life. And I'm going to ask my doctor for some recommendations for chiropractors. I trust her judgement, and she'll know the places that it would be easy for me to get to, that can actually help me fix this back issue.. as it's pretty much making me want to scream in agony 24/7 (and no, I'm not exaggerating).

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I had a talk with G and B today, and it made me feel a lot better. G is house sitting for someone and we kept joking about skinny dipping in the hot tub. If only I could visit her in California, haha. B and I were once again talking about relationships. She'd gone on a date with this girl and I asked her how it went, and she was like, "Interesting." I was like, "Lol explain. Good interesting or bad and why?" And she goes, "Uhh I guess it was an okay kind of interesting. We're not really into the same kinda things.. like I'm in a band and she's not really into that kinda thing. Idk why but whatevs." Then she threw the curveball by saying, "But thank you baby, it's nice to know that someone likes me for me. Why do you have to live so far? Like legit you would be the perfect girlfriend." I definitely would be far from perfect, but I'd try my hardest to keep her happy, and I would treat her right. I've always said that I wouldn't date her, but she's attractive, smart, funny, and we have a lot in common. I remember we talked about singing some of her band's songs together for a show sometime. I mean, Boston isn't that far, but it's far enough to fuck up a relationship. Which sucks, but what can ya do?

But honestly.. I think I need to stay away from the dating thing for a little bit. The last year of dating has completely changed me, and I don't know if that's a good thing. It's made me afraid to speak my mind, which is something I've NEVER had a problem with. I've never had a problem with telling someone they're a hypocrite and why. I've never been afraid to put someone I'm dating or have dated in their place for judging me for things that they've also done. There's so many things, and I'm tired of it. I don't see why I give so much of myself to people, and do so much and help people whenever they ask me to (and they don't always ask nicely either) when they continue to judge me for minor mistakes or situations that they don't fully understand. They don't know me as well as they'd like to think, and they never will, because they'll never take the time to and I'll never let them in, simply because of how they treat me. I'm tired of people judging me and fucking me over. So, FUCK YOU GUYS. I'm gonna live my life and not give a fuck anymore. Don't like it? There's the door. If they can't stick with me through my bad times as well as the good, then they're not worth my time. And it's sad, because I miss those people. I miss hanging out with them, having adventures, having conversations with them that actually have meaning to them, etc. But, they've chosen to write me off, and they have the right to their choices.

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I'm currently home right now, in my brother's old room (since my old room is no longer mine, it's a fucking gun room/pantry), watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall and texting G. I found my high school yearbooks earlier, and spent a few hours going through them. Good lord, I don't remember 1/4 of the people who wrote in them, or half the memories they wrote about lol. Some of them were pretty hilarious.. including, "Too bad we never got to run away and have hardcore sex in a closet, or something." Haha. RFM memories were funny to read, and I came across something this girl wrote (an exchange student from Thailand that I'd become good friends with one year), and it was so sweet and it made me miss all of the memories she and I, along with our group of friends, made that year. It made me think about how horrible it was when the Hudson River rose so high that it flooded a lot of houses, including her host family's house. Going through there, seeing the damage.. everyone was so sad. But it also made me remember her birthday party with the water balloon/hose fight. I remember some of the kids and I went into her host parents' bedroom and threw water balloons down, then ran back into the house from the balcony so we didn't get yelled at because they used the hose to spray us and completely soaked their bedroom. The gifts she got us (these adorable purses she brought from Thailand for the good friends she would make). The bag she got me for my birthday that we all thought would make a cute shirt.

I was talking to my mom on the car ride home from the bus station. I got so angry because my Aunt S had been talking about my Aunt D mowing the lawn across the street from the farmstand my mom works at, and Aunt S had said, "God, look at D. She looks like such a dyke." And my mom got wicked pissed off at her and went off about how disrespectful that was and told her that times were changing and that even though she grew up differently than my generation, she was learning to understand and accept everything and that she loves who I am and is so proud of me for being who I am. I told my mom that if Aunt S says that word in front of me, I'll have no problem screaming at her and giving her an earfull. I fucking hate the word "dyke." Honestly, the shit she says makes me wonder what else she says behind my back, besides telling my mom lies about what I've said to my cousin and what my cousin has said about me. Fucking ridiculous.

*sigh* I suppose I should try and get some sleep, if that's even possible. I have to get up bright and early to attend church with my mom. I truly hate going to church, I feel so out of place and it's not like I'm exactly welcome there, regardless of the fact that my mom believes that God loves everyone. It's just.. not my religion and I don't believe in any of it. But, I know it'll make her happy and if I can avoid an argument, I will.

I just hope we end up getting to go hiking on Wednesday. I talked to my mom and there's this pretty place near the Hudson River that's not too bad of a drive from where we live. It's got all these different paths you can take through meadows and the woods, and I think you can even go down to the water. I haven't been there in a few years, so I hope I can find it again. I also wanted to see if my mom would come to Walkway Over The Hudson with me, as I've never been. And maybe we'll stop at a few thrift shops after both of those adventures. I also might get to play tennis with AH and LH after my doctor's appointment on Tuesday, and chill with NL maybe on Wednesday. We'll probably take her cousins to the park. I wanna see if the piercer will be at one of the tattoo shops in town. There's this 3 piercing set I wanna get on my left ear, so I'm hoping I can at least get the first part done. :)

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June 24, 2011

Woke up from nightmares this morning. I should've written this down right away, but I was still half asleep and had to get ready for church. All I remember it these weird looking "humans" and really long teeth.. like.. two feet long teeth. They weren't vampires, that's for sure. But it was just really creepy, and I couldn't get away from them. And one of my ex-girlfriends was in the dream, and I couldn't save her, couldn't help her. I've never in my life, wanted so badly for a dream to end as I did this one. I had to watch everyone die, and she died last. Tears streaming down my face because I was too far away to get to her in time. And again, I didn't wake up before I died. It's the most unsettling feeling, to watch yourself die.

Its like this reoccurring dream I've had for the past year. I'm in this concentration camp (modern day) in some foreign country that has yet to be discovered by anyone but the people who already live there, and their prisoners (including myself). The same ex-girlfriend is always in that dream. They had just bring new prisoners to the camp, this huge group. And my ex-girlfriend and a few of her friends and mine are in that group. She says something under her breath, but loud enough for the guards to hear, and just as the whip is about to hit her, I step in front of her and take it across my shoulder. Then, of course, for interrupting, they bind my hands, tie me to a post, and whip my back until there's a huge pool of blood on the ground and my clothes are soaked in it. Afterwards, my friends in the camp carry me to our building and take care of me. There's a bunch of other personal stuff that happens, and usually at the end there's this huge battle scene, which is pretty fucking awesome. I don't die in that dream, although I do get severely injured. It goes back and forth between being a bad and good dream. The ending is amazing. I just find it a little weird that that particular ex-girlfriend ends up being in a lot of my dreams, when I never fell in love with her. She's not that important to me. I dunno, guess it's a mystery.

Church was boring as hell. I know that it's what my mom believes in, but I don't think it's right that I should be subjected to something that condemns me for things I can't control. I immediately felt uncomfortable the second I walked in there.

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Wow, okay. I was so ready to give her another chance. But now, officially have no fucking romantic feelings at all left for her. Seriously, you're gonna talk shit to me about my behavior and then you're gonna go sleep with a bunch of girls and then throw it in my face? I hope you enjoy your new bitches, and that they make you happy. And yes, I can be angry right now, because you lead me on and told me you wanted to be with me and that there were no other girls. So, you can go fuck yourself. I'm over it.

(and more guts in 11 year olds)

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I made mom and her boyfriend dinner. That's definitely something I haven't done in a few years. It was pretty simple, just chicken with herbs, rice with chili, sweet peas, and salad, and I brought some desserts home with me from work (one each of the raspberry bars, linzer bars, turtle bars, gloppy squares, chocolate chip brownies, and red velvet cupcakes). And for once, I was praised and not criticized. It's a nice feeling. Mom and I haven't fought at all since I got home last night. It makes me glad that I came home, which is something new.

I worked some more on my scrapbook. I'm definitely going to need to go to Michael's and get more paper and decorations for it. I think I'm going to dedicate a page or two to KMC. Pictures, quotes, things she said that I remember from our conversations. Cupcakes and poptarts, for sure. She was my cupcake and I was her poptart. Don't ask, it's a best friends thing. I also think I'm going to give a page for C and S, since I already have one for AK. Three pages dedicated to three women who've made me think and have caused a huge impact in my life. Regardless of the fact that AK and I no longer speak, and I'm not exactly in C or S's good graces right now, I care for all of them in my own way, and have good memories with all of them. And I'll probably have a couple pages for roller derby. A lot of good times associated with that.

Hell, I even have a page for AE, just because she popped my Bombers cherry. ;P Haha. We don't talk either, but that was such a good night, even though we both ended up sick at the end of the night from the frozen margaritas. We legit had a 4 or 5 hour long conversation about everything in our lives. And it was so funny when we found out we both knew C and A. The stories were outrageous. And I felt bad for putting her on the backburner because I was seeing A at the time. I mean, I was attracted to AE at the same time that I was starting to get to know A (I met them both on the same dating site). I find it funny that I started talking to AE only a day or two before A and I started talking, and that they knew each other, but that I didn't find that out until September. It felt good to know that I wasn't the only one who thought ill of A and thought she was manipulative and a liar. Apparently she's always been like that. If only I'd gone out with AE before A, then I wouldn't have gotten suckered in. However, if I hadn't met A, I probably wouldn't have gotten to know S the way I did when we first started talking.

And I'll always be thankful that S came into my life, whether or not she chooses to stay in it. She probably thinks I'm an incredible piece of shit, and I honestly can't blame her. I've been losing my grip on a lot of things lately because of the KMC situation, and I should've kept my distance from S when I started noticing all the problems popping up in my life, and I shouldn't have let her in when I was that vulnerable. I only let KMC me vulnerable once, so for me to lay it all out there, the good and the bad, with S was a big thing for me, and probably a mistake for what it's done. I keep fucking up our friendship, and I don't know how much is salvageable. It just kind of sucks, because I care about her a lot, I always will. Even though we've had our fights, and I've wanted to yell at her so many times when she's gone off on me, and I've wanted to call her a hypocrite sometimes, and just scream at the top of my lungs from frustration at this situation, I love her. Not in the romantic way anymore, but I do love her as a friend. And I'll always fight to keep her in my life. And I know that she may read this and get mad because of what I've said, but I honestly can't talk about it with her for awhile. Anytime I try to explain or make her realize that I'm not the only guilty party in this, that she's also done things wrong, in both our relationship and our friendship, I usually get a long list of what I'm doing wrong, how I need help, how everything I'm doing is psychotic, etc. And it makes me cry, because I've been and will be there for her when she's been doing amazing and when she's been down physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. I've let her yell at me, put me down (both in a funny and in a serious way), make me cry, and call me a liar. I leant her money just days after a huge fight in which she made me feel like the lowest form of shit on the face of the earth, because she asked me to. And I'm not going to ask for it back because I definitely owe her for the chiropractor. I'm making interview questions and doing my best to get them done as soon as I can because she asked me to (and because I actually enjoy researching the bands, authors, etc and coming up with questions, however average they may seem). It's so hard for me to say no to her, and I don't really understand why. Maybe it's just because I enjoy spending time with her. And I do enjoy doing things for her. Hell, even after we broke up, I still did her laundry, haha. I dunno, I think I'll always enjoy doing things for her. I feel like she has enough to deal with in her life, she shouldn't have to waste time doing small things like doing laundry or dishes when she could be sleeping (she definitely never gets enough sleep with her busy schedule). Originally, I went to roller derby because it was so much fun and I enjoyed the sport. After she and I started dating, I went not only for those reasons, but mainly to support her because roller derby is something she loves. And I'll continue to go next season, if I end up staying put for the next year. No matter what she says to me, or where our friendship goes, I will always be there for her, any time, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. She once told me that her friends wanted her to drop me altogether. Well, my friends basically said the same thing. But I refuse to drop her, her friendship is too important to me. Besides, I keep my promises.

I keep thinking about just finding a place to rent for a few months, and then packing up and moving away. Starting over somewhere new. So, that's my goal for the next year or so. Make as much money as I can and then get the fuck out of here. *fingers crossed*

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C.. I read some lyrics the other day that reminded me of after we broke up last summer, how I was feeling when I found out she'd moved to Indiana with her new girlfriend just 2 or 3 weeks after we'd broken up.

"Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with all my heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with all my heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brake, the brake
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections"

Goddess, I felt so broken after the last time she broke up with me. I think it was just intensified by the fact that she was literally the first person to break up with me. Before her, I'd always been the one to break things off. But her showing no emotion at all at dumping me.. well, not a complete lack of emotion, she texted it to me and laughed.. laughed.. like it was all some big joke. And when I found out she was seeing someone, and that she was moving all the way to Indiana for her.. well fuck. I broke all over again. Did she talk to this girl the same way she talked to me? Did she hold her hand while tracing circles with her thumb on the back of her girlfriend's hand like she did with me? Did she rest her hand on her girlfriend's thigh while she was on the phone with her mom? Did they talk through entire movies? Did they take walks through her neighborhood? Did she treat her new girlfriend better than she'd treated me? Tons of questions rolled through my mind. I was jealous. For the first time in my life, I was jealous. And it bugged the shit out of me. So I went on a dating site and I met A and it was so easy with her. She took my mind off of C, and I did end up truly caring for her. But C.. she had this piece of my heart the entire time A and I were seeing each other.. and it couldn't be touched. Well.. until S. Definitely threw myself into that whole heart first. But, I'm getting sidetracked. I dunno, sometimes I still miss C. Even when we weren't dating and she was Indiana with her girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend), we were constantly texting or on AIM. It just feels weird that we barely talk anymore, and probably won't talk at all for long while after this past week. But, she seems happy with her new girlfriend, and I wish her every happiness in the world. That's all I've ever wanted for her.

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June 27, 2011

Today was a pretty easy day. I was completely exhausted, and ended up waking up at 8am. Got up to help mom move a bookshelf, then went back to bed and slept on and off until 1pm. Got up and cooked a little, moved all my books from my old room to my brother's. Took a little while, haha. I keep forgetting how many books I have. Then NL texted me asking if I wanted to hang out, so she came and picked me up and we went to her house for dinner. Her aunt and two cousins were there so it was a big dinner, and then we took her cousins to play mini golf and go karting. Then went to Stella's for ice cream. Such a calm night.

It's funny though. When NL came to get me, I kept thinking about how EM told me that she thinks NL is still attracted to me. It was a couple of weeks ago when I was in EM's room bullshitting with her about drama and NL came up because EM doesn't like her. She was like, "Every time you came over, it was like instant sexual tension." And I was like, "Uhh.. you're sooooo off base. She and I aren't attracted to each other anymore." And she was like, "You may be over her, but she so still wants to get with you." And she went on to tell me all the things she had noticed that NL did, even when her boyfriend was around, that supposedly indicated she's still into me. And I remembered something NL had said to me about her boyfriend and him thinking I still wanted her because of the way we act and that I kissed her cheek a bunch of times in some pictures (yeah.. because it's so easy to get a perfect picture of yourself and a friend when you're the one taking it and you're drunk as hell). And even NL admitted that she accidentally pays more attention to me than she does her boyfriend when it's the three of us. But hey, she sees him like every weekend. She and I only see each other once every few weeks or months, depending on how busy we are. Anyways, it was definitely a hilarious conversation. I don't think EM is right, though. NL and I are way better off as friends and haven't been attracted to each other since we dated sophomore year. Makes for a funny story though.

My doctor's appointment is tomorrow.. I'm nervous. I hope we're able to fix some of the things that I need to talk to her about.

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I guess I should've learned this by now. Not to let anyone get close enough to hurt me. I've done this three times in my life so far, once in friendship, twice in relationships. I should never have let them in as far as I did. And I definitely shouldn't have shared as much of my life with them, or told them as much as I did about myself. It only lead to me being broken. So from now on, I won't do it. I refuse to let anyone get that close to me again. Maybe someday, if I'm with someone that I think I could marry. But for now, it just can't happen.

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June 28, 2011

I just got back from the doctor's office. Basically, I've been diagnosed with Panic Disorder. Already knew that was coming. Mom was pissed that I hadn't told her about the panic attacks. First of all, I HAD told her about them, just not all of them. And secondly, every time I tell her about something that's going on, she either doesn't believe me or puts it off like it's no big thing. Anyways, after the appointment, I had to go get bloodwork done to make sure everything is okay. And if the bloodwork comes back normal, they're going to put me on Lexapro for a few months, then take me off to see what happens.

And as of right now, watching 2011 Wimbledon Championships. I forgot how much I liked watching tennis, as well as playing it. It better not rain later when AH, LH, and I are supposed to play tennis. I so need the workout to get my mind off all the stress I've been under.

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Tennis was fantastic. It felt so good to play again and catch up with my two favorite girls. We went to Dallas and had cheese fries after, and not that melted real cheese shit, but the nacho cheese kind. Yummm. =]

Then we decided to go to AH's and go swimming. Definitely felt good to cool off after it being so humid out. And AH's brothers were there so we all had a fun time trying to hit each other with beach balls, haha. After that, we watched Despicable Me and ate tons of kettle corn and marshmallows and hot chocolate (and I burnt my tongue, grrr). I was starting to fall asleep, and LH being a pain in the ass took a picture and I look all gross but whatever. And then we made AH show us her wedding dress (side note: her boyfriend and her have been dating 4 years now, but he hasn't popped the question, although we all know he's going to when he has the money for a nice ring, and AH already has a wedding fund set up). Her dress absolutely BEAUTIFUL and cost $600, but it's so fucking worth it. She's going to look amazing when the time comes. But, of course, this got us to talking about weddings, and I told them that they BOTH better be prepared to be my maid of honor (even though most people only have one) because theres no chance in hell that I could ever decide between my best friends. They both like my color theme though, and they like that my dress is going to be red lace, and my side of the wedding party will wear black. And they already knew I'd pick Halloween as the date, lol. But that's all I have planned. Pretty sure AH has hers planned out to a t, but that's just her for ya. And we love her to pieces.

An RFM tattoo may be in the works.. just saying. (: LH and I have been friends almost 17 years, IC and I have been friends for about 16 years, and AH and I have been friends for almost 10 years. Lifelong friends are hard to come by, and I cherish all three of them so much. <3

I'm so happy I got to spend time with both of them today. And hopefully I won't have to work the weekend before the fourth of July, so I can come home and go to the fireworks with everyone, and am 100% throwing a bonfire at my house because it's been over 3 years since I've thrown one and it's about damn time.

This is easily turning out to be the best visit home I've ever had.

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June 29, 2011

Today was pretty awesome. Mom and I got up early and got to Poet's Walk at 8:30am but it didn't open until 9am, so we drove around Rhinecliff and got breakfast, then went back and started the hike. It was beautiful. We saw a blue bird right away, and then mom goes, "Oh! Look!", and I look over and this deer is there just staring at us, long enough to get a few pictures, before it runs away. The bridge and water were so pretty, it was like a postcard. Mom and I took a lot of pictures, and had fun trekking through the woods and mud to try and find new trails. And there were sooo many puppies. One jumped right on me and got me all muddy but I didn't care because it was adorable. I can honestly say I've never had a better mother-daughter outing than this morning.

After hiking, we went home, and then we went with mom's boyfriend to Durham and Cairo to go to antique and thrift shops, but we didn't find anything, so we drove to Coxsackie and Mom found one or two things. We went to this really good pizza place, too. Sooo yummy. Total sports bar feel mixed with family restaurant.

We came home again, then went back out into town to get stuff to make ziti. Came back home for the last time (seriously, in and out of the car all day long), and made zit, then Mom cut my hair. It's shoulder length now. :) I love it.

Kind of sad to have to leave tomorrow morning. Although, I'll be pretty busy because I took an extra shift so I'll be working tomorrow night, friday night, and saturday dayshift, along with BG's birthday celebrations after work tomorrow night. I'm gonna head home to get changed, grab JT and meet up with everyone for Therapy Thursday. Can't wait to dance again.

In all seriousness, other than BG's birthday, it's all business when I get back. Getting shit on track and ignoring any bullshit that comes up.

(side note: I gotta say, I thought I'd write more than this. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted from 4 days of non-stop activity. Maybe it's because I don't want to throw everything out there just yet. I dunno.)

Guess that's all for now.

home..

sorry for the no caps and punctuation, my cell sucks. anyways, ive been doing a lot of thinking lately, and did a lot of thinking on the bus ride to my hometown, and since i got home. its going to be a long four days of self reflection and memories. and im going to have an extremely long blog post when i get back on thursday.. it may be several depending on how long it is.

but for now, hoping i gain some understanding this week.

peace.

Sorry.

So, apparently I was the world's biggest jackass via texting last night.

To several people.

And for that, I apologize.

They shouldn't have had to deal with that.

And I should have left my phone at my apartment.

But.. I wouldn't have been able to get into her building if I hadn't had my phone on me.

And, as it usually happens,

I was missing someone, hadn't talked to her in like a week,

so I brought it.

But at least she forgives me for sounding like an idiot.

Although, I have some serious making up to do to two other people.

*le sigh*

I don't remember everything that was said,

but I definitely remember everything I did.

One bad action to a bunch of good (if we leave out the texting portion of the night).

I haven't been that drunk in a very long time..

probably not since Halloween.

That's obviously not an excuse for how I acted.

And again, I'm incredibly sorry to those who had to see that part of the night.

But, after the whole getting sick and feeling like shit,

I did end up feeling better.

So we all went out,

and had a really good time.

The walk over was hilarious.

And it felt so good to dance again.

Every time I go dancing, it's like coming home.

I just immediately stop worrying about any of the shit in my life,

and everything is good and happy and near-perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I missed her last night,

and I wanted her to be there so badly.

But I did have a good time with good people.

Despite the annoying amount of men grabbing my arms and hips to try and dance with me.

And when I say, "I'm not interested," "I don't want to dance with you," "Get your hands off me," or "No!" accompanied by me making a shooing motion with my hand or me physically shoving you away from me, that means get the fuck off me.

And don't come back two more times and try again.

Because then you're just asking to get smacked in the face.

Anyway.

I'm definitely feeling it today.

Although, no hangover.

So that's a good thing.

I'll be able to function at work.

And hopefully it's an easy night,

and we can all have a few laughs,

and I can be home by 11pm.

Because I'm physically and emotionally drained.

I've been running myself ragged the past 2 weeks.

I think I just need to stop and take a break.

BG's birthday is next Thursday, and I said I'd be there.

Although, I think I'm only going to be having one celebratory shot,

and then just go out sober.

She can have the rest of the liquor I left at her place.

_______________________________________________________________

I've pretty much decided that I'm skipping roller derby on Saturday.

As much as I want to go,

I think that I need to go home for a few days.

There's been some stuff that's been bugging me lately,

and I need my friends' opinions on everything.

And honestly,

a bunch of Kaylee stuff was dredged up the other day,

and it has me pretty upset.

I really fucking miss her.

She'd know what to do about everything that's been going on with me the past few months.

So, I need to go home,

and have my mom hug me and talk to me about it.

I need to be at the creek, so I can think.

And I need to see my best friends.

Gonna be a good weekend.

KC and I are going to the store in a little bit to grab some stuff for tonight.

Then I'm gonna relax and then get ready.

Waterworks with BG and I dunno who else.

Should be a good time.

Then I have work tomorrow with some good people.

Which also means a lot of laughs.

And that's definitely going to improve my mood.

I wasn't sure if I was gonna go to roller derby this Saturday, but LF and I wanted to hang out and she said she's free this weekend during the evenings..

And my first thought of something fun to do on a Saturday night was roller derby lol.

Besides, she went with me once before and enjoyed it.

So off we go.

A very busy, but good weekend. (:

So, last night, EM and I had a heart-to-heart.

We talked about how I'm still into one of my ex-girlfriends and how much that sucks.

I need to get over her.

She's not good for me.

It's kind of destructive, whatever is between us.

EM told me about some problems she's been having.

And was pretty fucking mad when I told her about a situation involving the ex-girlfriend that I still like.

She couldn't believe someone would do and say those things to me.

And she's right.

It was pretty fucked up.

So, until I actually feel like sorting through all the bullshit concerning that person,

I'm tucking it in the back of my mind.

And just focusing on having fun.

We talked about sex, and sex toys.

She showed me one of hers that I was like, "Yeah.. gotta get me one of those." Haha.

Such a funny conversation.

And it completely lightened my mood after several days of stress.

Work today was good. I worked with K and G.

K asked me to text N and see if he'd switch with me so I could work Saturday nights and he would take my Tuesday nights, because K can't stand working with him because he doesn't do his job, just sits and talks to A the whole night.

So, I texted him and he said he'd switch with me, so I now work Saturdays, which means more tips for me. :)

And I get to work with K, and she's mad chill.

She said she might start calling me Claire, like C does, because we'll be working with A every Saturday and we both have the same name.

It's funny that I rarely even answer to my name anymore.

Guess I have too many nicknames.

Ah well, time to watch a movie and relax.

It's been a long couple of days.

Relaxing all day tomorrow sounds like a fantastic idea to me.

Although, I still have to find an outfit for Thursday.

I have something in mind, but it's kind of... revealing..

I mean.. I could wear a tank top underneath it.. but what's the fun in that? ;)

This pretty much describes how I'm feeling at this point concerning "the ex."

What the fucking hell.

Can nothing go right?

This week started off awesome, but it's just crappy right now.

Last night after I finished closing up at work (in record time -aka, 10 minutes- might I add), I accidentally locked the dishwasher out of the restaurant.

But hell, it looked like he'd left for the night.

Last time I closed with him, he left all the lights on, the door shut, and didn't say goodbye.

When I left, the lights were on so I shut them off, the door was closed so I figured he must be gone.

Wrong. He was taking the trash out and E was there waiting for him.

So I had to explain everything and then went to find someone so I could call security to open the door.

Apparently security doesn't have keys to the stores. (wtf?)

So I called my boss, but she didn't answer.

So E and the dishwasher had to drive all the way to T's house to get the key so they could get his stuff and then drive all the way back before driving home.

I felt like a complete asshole.

Then today, I get to the restaurant and S tells me the blender fell apart (and there's smoothie EVERYWHERE). Then I cut my thumb open while cutting oranges for orange juice.

I may look hella pale.. but I looked like a ghost.

And I cut into and under my nail, so that's gonna be fun to clean.

It legit didn't stop bleeding for a good 5 hours.

Hell, it's still bleeding a bit and it's been 7 hours.

Can't imagine how much fun it's going to be to take a shower and wash my hair.

I'll have to find plastic gloves somewhere.

Just hoping it doesn't get infected. *fingers crossed*

After the finger incident, the milkshake machine exploded twice in a row when I tried to make milkshakes, so that got everywhere.

Then I went to put iced coffee in a big milkshake glass and just as I was going to lift the glass, the glass comes apart from the stem of the glass, so iced coffee went everywhere.

Some lady went off on N, when all she had said was, "Hi, can I get you anything to eat?"

The lady was like, "I DON'T LIKE YOU! YOU TREAT ME LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN EVERY TME I COME IN HERE!" and then left.

N is nice to EVERYONE. That lady has been coming in for years and suddenly decides to bitch N out?

Get a fucking life, you old hag.

Then there was a few annoying/bitchy customers for K and G.

So basically, today was bad luck day for all of us, and we all wanted to just shut down and leave.

I cannot wait until Thursday. BG will be in town, so we're going out for Therapy Thursday and getting completely fucked. It's just been a shitty week for both of us, and we could use the stress relief. I think I may ask JT to come along. Sounds like she could use a night out, too.

Pretty much, that's the only thing that's keeping me smiling right now.

Well, that and London Anderson did a new cover on youtube.

Gotta love it. :)

Okay, seriously kids, enough is enough.

Get the fuck off our porch.

Okay.

It was cute for about an hour.

You little girls playing "girlfriends."

Little did I realize that a bunch of your friends would come to run up and down our porch stairs, knock on our door, and scream at the top of your lungs.

So, when I go outside to tell you politely to please go home because people are trying to sleep and I'm doing work,

do not fucking give me obvious lies and try to get me to let you stay.

Both KC and I told you to get off our fucking porch.

So how about you stay the fuck off it.

And stop being so fucking annoying.

And trespassing.
And trying to get us to give our furniture away so you can play with it.

You have a home.

It's two houses down the street.

Go fucking play there.

Kthx.

Pride.

Pride was pretty fucking great. :)

JT and KC and I all walked down to Lark for the parade.

We met up with my friend BG and her girlfriend, who is too funny.

I'm really happy for BG. The last girlfriend she had treated her like shit.

But this one is nice, fun to be around, and actually seems loyal.

Anyway, we had fun laughing at the different floats. JT had a blast, she was soo excited about the drag queens and candy. Don't even get me started on the bubbles they threw at us from the float.

She collected at least 4 bubble containers.

Afterwards we all walked to the festival.

BG and I bought rainbow ties, and it was hilarious to try and see which person in our group could actually tie a tie. BG did a pretty good job.

We walked around for a bit, after running into BG's girlfriend's friends, and stopped at the double decker cupcake bus for cupcakes and cookies.. and the adorable girls working there. ;p

After that, JT and KC and I went through the bigger tent to check out all the vendors (since we got separated from BG and her girl), and ended up running into them anyway.

I won a t-shirt and a condom holder necklace, and BG and JT won necklaces, too.

KC decided to leave when it started to rain, so the rest of us just continued to walk around and listen to music.

We ran into a few friends, bought jello shots from some kids, went to the wine tasting booth, etc.

I even saw this girl I went to elementary school/high school with. I just kind of pretended not to notice her and she tried to do the same.

Seriously though.. I ran into 2 of my exs and a few of my one night stands or one week stands from after I stopped seeing A (remind me never to do that again, although lately, I seem to be forming a habit with this one girl every time I go to my hometown. I gotta stop that. I don't like the whole one night stand idea. I'd rather come home to someone than sleep with someone different every week). Don't get me wrong, I was happy to see one of my exs because we're still friends. I'm always happy to see her.

But the other one.. he and I have an intensely fucked up history. I'm glad he didn't try to come near me, because I probably would have hit him.

However.. there was one person I saw, and it was like I got punched in the gut. I honestly didn't realize that I still had some feelings left for this person. I thought any romantic thoughts about this person were gone. I don't know what this is about.. but I need to stop caring for her in that way. It's not going to happen with us. Besides, she could have any girl she wanted. There's no reason for her to want me.

And so, I'm back to square one. Taking some time to think and changing a few things around in my life.

All in all, it's been a good weekend, despite one or two unexpected twists.

Fantastic. :)

So, I pretty much had the best time tonight.

Regardless of the fact that we ended the night early.

So glad JT came to the bout with me tonight.

She was so into it, and got way excited and was like, "WHAT? Intermission? Fuck that, keep playingg."

She kept saying one of the jammers was her derby hero.

And we saw her hero at the bar and I was like, "You should go tell her about your lady crush on her, haha."

But she was too shy.

Ah well. KC joined us, and we all joked and told stories.

I haven't laughed that much in a long time.

Damn good night.

And Pride tomorrow with both of them, and maybe BG.

Can't waitt.

Oh, and I may go visit my friend JH and one of my ex-girlfriends in the city in 2 weeks. City Pride is June 26, so should be a good time if I end up being able to go. (:

Home. - june 8 & june 9

Being home.. not the best idea. But I need my clothes, etc if I'm gonna be living w/ my friends for the next month. But seriously, the second I get home, my mom starts in on me.

First of all, when you finally see my fucking tattoo, don't you dare call it disgusting. You have no fucking idea as to the reasoning behind it. You have no idea how much the reasons behind it got me through everything the past few years. Those reasons helped me after my best friend killed herself. And for her to talk shit about my reasons for it.. I know it doesn't seem like a big thing to a lot of people, but it means a lot to me and I almost slapped her. Like literally, I raised my hand to smack her and then realized the shit that would start and put my hand down.

Then she starts in on every single thing I do and say. Even the way i sit. Excuse me if my back is in severe pain at the moment and I need to sit in a position that doesn't kill it and that it looks a little awkward. I'm sorry that you feel that its disrespectful. From now on I just won't even try to aleviate the pain. I'll just let it happen.

This is why I can't stand coming home. I can't say anything here, it just leads to an argument. Honestly, I don't love the place I live, but anywhere is better than here. When I'm here, I just revert back to this shell of a human being, I'm nowhere near who I used to be. And if it were up to me, and things were different at this point in my life, I wouldn't come back. Not even to visit.

All I'm thankful for is being able to see one of my friends tomorrow. I would say two of my friends, but my mother may have managed to ruin that, too.

______________________________________________________________________

I got to see EM today. SO fucking happy that she came over. We walked down to the creek and I immediately stripped down to lingerie (all of the clothes and bathing suit, etc that I needed were apparently locked up in my mom's boyfriend's apartment, and since I couldn't get to anything I was like I don't give a fuck) to sunbathe and vent to each other. Now, EM has known me since I was in 8th grade. She knows all about my mom and can definitely see where I'm coming from. It was nice to just have an all out bitch fit and not care about what was being said. Although, now I have weird sunburn patterns on my body lol. Guess I didn't switch sides enough. Ah well.

And my cousin came over to hang out and talk for an hour. We had a mini-heart-to-heart about relationships and then talked about random stuff. It was nice to catch up with her, we don't get to see each other that often.

_______________________________________________________________________

And now I'm back at the KC's apartment, and in a much better mood. Basically saying "fuck you" to my mother and everything else that's trying to ruin my good mood. Going to pass out now, work all night tonight, tomorrow morning, then roller derby tomorrow night with JT, and Pride on sunday. Gonna be a busy ass weekend. :)

Okay.. so maybe there is a slight raincloud on my good mood lately..

I saw this picture that reminded me of so many memories.

And..

I miss that feeling.

You know, that feeling you get when you're on your way home,

and you know someone is waiting there for you.

Someone you love.

Someone that you know loves you.

I miss that feeling.

I miss having someone to come home to.

Things have been going really well lately.

Currently living with the KCs and EM, and will continue to live with them until July, then I'll be moving into my own place.

But for right now, I'm enjoying the random amusing conversations and adventures that come with living with them.

Work has been alright, minus that one incident.

I had a good weekend, got to see a few friends and just spend time relaxing.

This weekend also gave me a lot to think about.

Can't tell if that's good or bad, lol. But I'm just gonna go with whatever for now. :)

I get to go home tomorrow afternoon with my aunt, so I can pack a bag of clothes because let's face it, I cannot live off of 5 outfits for over a month, or without my other necessities.

I am extremely sad, however, to find out that the creek has been ruined for me.

Seriously, the ONE thing I always want to do when I go home is swim, but it's always too cold or raining.

Now, I finally get the chance to go swimming because of the nice weather and find out that again, I can't.

Thank you resident reservoir assholes for throwing trash in the river and ruining my favorite spot. Yeah, it still looks beautiful. But I can't go swimming, and that's my one true outlet.

I dunno, I've had so many good memories there..

It just sucks knowing that people don't care that they're ruining such a beautiful thing.

Love.

Honestly, this is probably the cutest couple I've ever seen.

You can visibly tell they're in love.

I felt this way once.

And hope to feel that in love again someday.
One of these women is one of my favorite musicians.
Her music is a partial cause for my tattoo.
I wish them all the best.

Ica from London Anderson on Vimeo.

Such a crap day.. I need a break.

Did not get a lot of sleep. Like.. maybe an hour.

Got bitched at by multiple people before work, so I was already on edge.

Got bitched at while at work for borrowing the cook’s dinner menu for 3 measly minutes (to show a customer the dinner specials because NONE of the other menus had them on it), and then had said menu thrown at me, along with the silent treatment until he left for the night.

Got a lecture while at work about ex-girlfriends/ex-boyfriends and my almost-choices with certain situations. Please, like I really need that right now? I understand that we've been in similar situations, but I seriously did not need that lecture today of all days.

Took forever to close, and ended up having to wait 20 minutes in the cold for a taxi to take me home.

I am seriously beyond thankful that I have the next 3 days off from work. Not that they’re actual days off because I still have tons of shit to do, but still. I need a fucking break.

Like, I really just want to curl up in bed with someone, snuggle, and forget the world for a few hours.

So, I'm going to bombard this post with cuddle pictures, because that's what I want right now. Well.. not gonna lie, being fucked senseless wouldn't hurt either. Serious sexual frustration going on.. and it's only been 2 weeks. Tmi, but whatever. It's just weird, because I can normally just make myself not think about or want sex if I need to. Like, I can turn sexual desire off 98% of the time. I dunno, guess my body's just out of wack right now.

Off to hopefully get some sleep. Apartment showing in the morning.. I'd have to share it with two male grad students.. not my cup of tea, but it's only a 3 month sublet.. so maybe I can make due until then.

Literally so drained of any energy right now.

Dunno how I'm going to muster up enough to make it through work tonight.

I've only gotten a few hours sleep in the past week.

I dunno what's up, but it's annoying as hell.

Anyways,

So I was walking downtown the other day to run an errand for a friend,

when all of a sudden I hear someone beeping their car horn a bunch of times and yelling, "Hey! HEYYY!"

I turn around to see what's going on

and this girl is yelling, "Hey! C'mere!" from her car.

So I go over, and it turns out to be the girl that I had met earlier in the week at an apartment showing.

She's had it pretty rough, her boyfriend was physically abusing her, the bruises were all up and down her arms and legs, etc.

And I'd felt horrible because she had to live with him until she could find a place.

So I had told her to have it, because she definitely needed it more than me.

But anyway, so she's sitting in her car and she's like, "Oh my god, hi! How are you? Did you find a place yet?"

So we talked for a few minutes. Apparently her current landlord (of the apartment with her abusive ex-boyfriend) won't let her out of her lease, even after knowing the whole situation. Which is complete bullshit. People can be such assholes sometimes.

So she's basically shit out of luck for now.

After talking for a few more minutes, I went on my way.

Not gonna lie, she was adorable.

But she's straight.

And I don't go near straight girls in that aspect.

More drama, complication, and confusion than I need.
I have nothing against straight women.
They make up the majority of my friends.
But I've found that dating them just does not work out in the best interest of either person.

So, I ran my errand and then ran back to KC's to grab my things and get ready for work.

Work was okay. Everyone was in a bad mood because of the rush, and barking orders at everyone else.

I think I've gotten used to that by now, everyone being in crappy moods.

Like, work is pretty much the #1 place where I CAN'T have a bad mood, for some reason.

I just wish they could all be in good moods.

It'd be a lot better for them.

They should be happy to even have a job right now.

B is no longer coming to Pride next weekend. Kinda knew it wasn't going to happen, but it still sucks.

GV said she is going to try and come for it.

KC might come.

AH might come.

And 2 friends from home might come up for it.

*fingers crossed*

I miss my besties.

I'm in such a rush to get everything done by monday.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I really hope I don't have to quit my job and leave.

*le sigh*

Not gonna think about it right now.

I have too much to do.

Errands to run.

Then work until 10:30ish.

I'm pretty sure I got the closing procedures right, since my boss hasn't said anything.

So yayy to that lol.

pc.