Confession #43

Confession: Bonfires own my life during the summer.

So beautiful.

__________________________________________________

I had a really good day. I went to my frat thing with a huge smile on my face, because of a certain someone, the whole time, and everyone was overly curious. We all ended up bullshitting about life, although JB did end up crying because one of our friends is being a little insensitive right now. *sigh*

Oh well, not going to let crappy people make my day bad.

I plan on downing ice cream, immersing myself in a book, and going to sleep with a smile on my face. (:

I really wish I could just fucking understand..

(Writing this as I'm walking downtown.. I should probably concentrate on where I'm going, but I really just don't give a fuck right now. Let my feet carry me where they may.)

...what's going on in my head right now.

I can't sort through any of this.
There's just so much going on in my life right now.
It's hard to process it all.

It's like a huge roadblock is in the way.

And it makes me wish I had a wrecking ball so I could just knock it down.

I have a migraine.

I really just want to be curled up in bed with someone's arms around me, so I don't have to think for a little while.

Is that so much to ask?

Confession #42

Confession: "I could seriously listen to your voice all night."

You know those voices that are just immediately intoxicating?

UNF.

____________________________________________________________

I had such a good day. Good dreams. Smiling like a goof all day.
Daydreaming like crazy. (Which probably isn't good since I had about 5 hours of class today..)
Oh well, I'm not going to question being happy.

____________________________________________________________

And then I can possibly do this... minus the Homer Simpson.

Don't You Wanna Stay - Jason Aldean (ft. Kelly Clarkson)

Been on repeat for like 30 minutes, can't stop singing this.

So.. I woke up from my nap.. and KC came out of her room to give me a hug.. without even knowing what's going on.

That girl always knows when something is wearing me down.
She doesn't even have to know what's going on in my life, doesn't have to know the details.
But then again, most of the time it's painfully obvious when something is bugging me.

She went back to her room, and of course I followed, because I needed some mindless conversation.

What do I do the second I get in her room?

I curl into a ball on her bed and close my eyes.

She started talking about her boyfriend and some random school stuff, and then she wanted to start talking about everything that's been going on with me.

I almost started crying. Like legit, normally I don't care if I cry in front of her, but I just didn't even have the energy to actually cry.

Then.. because she knows it calms me down:

Her: You want me to play with your hair?

Me: I have a braid in. *gigantic pause* I can take it out.

Her: *laughs - kind mocking tone* "I have a braid in.. buttt I can take it out."

It instantly made me not want to cry anymore.

I almost fell asleep again.

She kept talking about her boyfriend and our friend EO and about the school bullshit that's happening to her right now.
And I vented to her about what's been going on. About my worries and frustrations, etc.
I think it helped a little bit.

She just left to go do laundry at EO's dorm building.

All I have to say is, thank fucking god I have some of the friends I do. Thank god those friends are always there for me. And thank god I can vent to KC, along with a few other choice friends, because I would probably be a frustrated mess right now if I didn't.

I haven't even begun to process all of the stuff from the past few days. And I don't even have time to start processing until friday night. Hopefully GV can help me figure some of this out.

______________________________________________________________________

I cannot, for the life of me, get this song out of my head. Been singing it all day. No wonder I can't concentrate, even when I try.

Confession #41

Confession: When I have too much going on in my head, my brain can sometimes, literally, stop working.

It shuts down completely. I'm lucky if I can make sense out of anything. It's actually a surprise to me that I'm able to form coherent thought long enough to write this right now.

I've written exactly 1 paper out of 5. It took me over 2 hours to write 2 pages. Ugh.

If this is any indication on how the rest of the papers will go, I'm going to need A LOT of caffeine to survive tonight.

All I want to do right now is be in my comfiest pajamas, turn the lights off, curl into a ball under the covers, and sleep.

That would honestly be pretty fucking close to perfect.

I have one thought focus that's been a constant in my head all day, one song on repeat.

One terribly unnerving thought.

I need to put this aside for now, to tuck it away until I've finished all this shit.

Then I can begin to process this entire situation.

_________________________________________________

Honestly, next to getting some sleep.. this (below) sounds really fucking amazing right now.

That's what I want. I want to just magically be any place but here right now. I want to be in some beautiful, random place, and I want to get lost. I want to see the trees and lakes and fields.

I want to discover hiding places, and flowers, and walking paths.

I want to just lay in that field and not think or worry.

I want to swim, with absolutely no care in the world.

I want to watch the sun and the clouds turn to sunset to twilight to utter darkness. I want to watch a burst of color cover the sky. I want to watch the stars come out.

I want to fall asleep there, completely content with that perfect day.
_____________________________________________________________
Update: Okay, since my brain refuses to function, here's how I'm going to deal.
I have 2 papers done. Out of the other 3, I'm going to do 1 of them thursday night because it's a makeup and I've already given him all but 2, 1 is extra credit and I'm so tired that I'm saying FUCK THAT to it, and the 3rd I'm going to do after I wake up from however long this nap takes.
KC was in here earlier to show me a photo album she'd made, and my head literally just fell into my hands and I said something along the lines of, "My eyes fucking hurt. I'm too tired for any of this. I can't see straight," and closed my eyes. So she smoothed down the top of my hair and said, "Take a break and focus on something far away." Me: "like the inside of my eyelids?" Her: "Yeah.. or like, that piece of plaster falling from the ceiling." Haha, only she could get me to laugh at my biggest moment of exhaustion. I'll probably end up in her room later on and curl up on the bed (like I always do when I'm having problems or shit gets to be too much) so she can talk about her day and make me laugh at stupid things and play with my hair (seriously, the quickest/easiest way to calm me down is to run your fingers through my hair) so I feel better. She definitely deserves an award for being such an amazing friend after everything I've been through this past year.
___________________________________________________

Dear Life/Fate,
Please let me wake up here, to this, tomorrow morning.
That would be lovely.
Thanks so much,
Me

Now I realllyyyy have to see this movie. So cute.

I want oneeeeee.

Confession #40

Confession: Every semester, during finals week, I either buy a coloring book or print

stuff out, and take 30 minutes a day and just color. It's literally one of the biggest stress

relievers when finals come around. And apparently I'm not a rarity. A lot of my frat members

do it as well. I remember last semester, D brought a coloring book to the last meeting where we

voted on E-Board positions, and she handed out crayons and coloring book pages to a couple of us,

and we just sat there and colored for 2 or 3 hours. I still have the coloring book picture D colored for

me. It's on one of the walls in my room.

Week from hell, academically speaking? Possibly.

It's only Monday and I'm already exhausted.

I had my frat meeting yesterday, and thank you JA for singling another brother and I out so the pledges knew who we were. I was basically attacked with interviews the second the meeting ended, and had to answer in 4 people intervals, until about 20 pledges had finished with their questions (that's about 100 questions total in less than 10 minutes). I did meet a few pledges who I have a lot in common with though, so it wasn't a complete waste of time. Thank the goddess, JB was there, or I would've split some skulls. Venting and catching up with her are the only reason I even bother going to meetings anymore. They're so disorganized and there isn't really a point since we sign up for most of the events through email anyway.

I only wrote 1 paper last night.. my eyes literally would not function, and I ended up passing out around midnight, with my laptop still on and my paper unfinished.

I barely got through my classes today, it's like all my eyes want to do is stay closed.

I still have 2 more papers to do for Biblical Interpretations, and then my makeup work for that will be finished so I can hand it in Wednesday. Although I do have a paper due sometime this next week for that class, too.

Currently in the library, unable to focus on a sociology of culture review sheet that I've only done 1/4 of. Hopefully I can get it together long enough to finish it before I go write letters to veterans with my frat.

After that, there's a NOH8 photoshoot one of the RAs set up, and I already said I would go.

It's not the national campaign, and I'm not sure what's going to happen to the photos, but it sounds like the only thing I'll be doing for fun this week.

Then I have to run home and pull an all night for sociology of culture and child psych.

Over 100 slides per chapter for child psych, 3 chapters for the test, along with about 15 supplemental readings.

Someone give me a caffeine IV drip I can walk around with, please?

Tomorrow, I have both tests, then have to write 3 papers for New Latin American Cinema due on Wednesday.

More class and a quiz and letters to veterans Thursday. NL wanted me to hang out and have a girls night, but I honestly don't think I could drag myself out of bed and to class the next morning.

I think Friday is going to be my only easy day. I have a meeting with my therapist after classes, which will hopefully take a little of the stress of my shoulders. I need one early night, and maybe I can actually get some sleep for once. This whole partial insomnia thing has got to stop.

Apparently, all us seniors are realizing that our perceptions of last semester senior year were completely wrong, and will not be as easy as we had thought.

Okay, now that I'm done being an incredible prat/whiner and complaining, back to schoolwork.
________________________________________________
Sometimes my frat service events actually get me through the day, as much as I complain about the drama and disorganization.
We met up in the LCs and wrote a bunch of letters to soldiers. It was actually a good stress relief because B kept making corny jokes, D was trying to study for our soc of culture exam (and failed miserably), there were drawings of flags and polar bears galore, I got to know one of the pledges, A, a bit better since we hadn't really had the chance to hang out and talk other than her interview, and bullshit about the frat drama and crack jokes.
I ended up not going to the NOH8 photoshoot. There's just too much to do.
I really just need some sleep.
_______________________________________________

______________________________________________

One of my friends told me that I do this a lot. I disappear into my head because I have so many thoughts zooming around 24/7 that it's hard to focus on what's going on around me. And I feel so guilty that I keep doing this, because it means I zone out or ignore my friends, and I really really am not trying to do that. I'll just be sitting there with a group of friends, talking about school and stuff and all of a sudden I'll just stop talking and gaze at a random spot thinking about 6 other things. And then someone will smack my arm and be like, "Where the hell is your head?" I did it this weekend a few times, too. And although the people I was with didn't notice, I still feel guilty. I should be concentrating on them, but I have so many things to worry about, think about, and decisions to make that I feel like my head is going to explode.

I seriously need to stop being in me head so fucking much. I can't keep zoning out on people. I need to get back into the habit of meditating twice a day. I used to have such a clear, organized focus. Even if I have to get up earlier and go to bed later, I think it'll be worth it.

Confession #39

Confession: I'd give just about anything to be swimming in the creek in my hometown, right now.

To dive into the water to see how far I can go.

To sway along with the waves.

To feel the water wash over me, and tension leave my body.

Every stress, every worry, every frustrating feeling I've had lately.

They'd all be gone.

I'd get to just lay on the dock, talking to my cousin.

Watching the trains go by.

Maybe go jet skiing, it's been so long.

I remember I used to be so scared to go swimming in there. It's legit 20-30 feet deep, and you can't see a damn thing in the water unless its within like 6 inches to the top. I remember seeing these black and purple fish once, and freaking out cuz it touched my foot. I remember going swimming with a cousin and her friend, and swimming all the way across to the campsite, and getting halfway back across and seeing my other cousin toss one of his snakes into the water. Everyone was screaming and you could see the snake's head bobbing up and down. It was pretty hilarious once we were all out of the water.

*le sigh* I don't even know when I'll get the chance to go home and go swimming, the weather back home is always so weird during the summer.

Confession #38

Confession: I love finding cute notes, etc that people leave me.
My mom and her boyfriend came up to visit me for about an hour today. They brought me the rest of clothes and stuff, and a bunch of yummy food (yayyy). We went to the Co Op which they liked, and just talked and stuff. After they left, I went to go unpack my suitcase and I found these adorable pj pants my mom had bought for me and surprised by sneaking them into my suitcase, along with a letter from a friend. I really needed to hear from one of my besties. Her letter still has me smiling like a goof, and they left over an hour ago.

G always tells me that she loves leaving little notes for friends and girlfriends and such. So when I told her about it she got all happy because it's such a cute thing to do.
I also had her cracking up because she asked me what I'd do if she were hiding in my suitcase and I was like, "Physically jump on top of you, give you the most ginormous hug ever, and smother you with kisses haha." But the reason she ended up laughing was because I told her about one of the cats I used to have. Every time I had been home on school vacation and had to repack my stuff to go back to school, my cat, Mina, would hop in my suitcase and snuggle on top of all my clothes and refuse to get up. So I would just sit there staring at her, half laughing half crying, because I knew I had to leave but didn't want to. Finally, I'd have to pick her up and finish packing. Which always sucked because I hated leaving home just when I'd gotten used to it.

Seeing my mom and her boyfriend always makes me miss home. I miss my RFM buddies who are more like family to me than friends. I miss swimming at the creek, and just laying there watching the geese or the water sway back and forth, and even just waiting for a train to flash by over the waterfall. I miss my fat cat and my adorably attention-seeking puppy. I miss my mom, even though we can't go 5 minutes without fighting.

But then I come back here and I remember that I have some really amazing people in my life. And I've met some great new people, too. And I'm happy that I have the chance to get to know them.
_____________________________________________________________
This is just a video I saw earlier on Jetta Vegas's page. It kind of pisses me off that women think they need to have surgery to make their vagina's look "normal".

LABIAPLASTY: Hungry Beast, ABC1 from Ali Russell on Vimeo.
__________________________________________________________________
Also, when I get a house someday, I want a place like this:

My own secret little nook where I can go to be alone. To think. To read, and write, and
be creative. To cover the walls with pictures of the people that mean the world to
me. A positive place where I can't be hurt.

Confession #37

Confession: "I will wrap myself around you."

That's not meant in a sexual way, I will literally just wrap myself around you.

Octopus hugs are one of the best things ever invented.

But yeah, cuddling = <3

Laying on my side nestled against a girl with one arm across her stomach, one leg across hers.

Heaven.

Being able to curl up under the covers with someone every night.

Being able to fall asleep in someone's arms.

I miss that.
_____________________________
Oh, and I really want to find a place where I can do this (below). I'm afraid of heights, but this may be worth being a nervous wreck.

________________________________________________________

Maybe there’s something you’re afraid to say, or someone you’re afraid to love, or somewhere you’re afraid to go. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna hurt because it matters.

— John Green

_____________________________________________________

Promise of Redemption “It Just Takes Time”

This girl is really a fantastic singer, and she's such a sweet person, too. <3

A million times I’ve needed you,
a million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
that no one else could ever fill.
I think of you in silence.
I often speak your name.
All I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true,
But I never wanted memories
I only wanted you.
~~~~
All this does is make me think of KMC.

There is a veteran in my university's fountain..

who says he's going on a hunger strike and shackling himself to the inner circle of the fountain until the president of my university restores Fountain Day to us. I saw him earlier when I had class.. there was this huge group of students surrounding him. Way to disrupt class. I get that they canceled Fountain Day because of a small group of students. I get that it's unfair to punish all 18,000+ of us students for the actions of a small group. And I'm mad, too. This was my last Fountain Day. But I don't think that this guy's actions are going to solve it or make the school board change their minds. I also don't think that everyone saying they're going to show up drunk at the fountain on the day Fountain Day was supposed to be on will help. They're not turning the fountain on, AT ALL, for the rest of the semester. Students will be lucky if it's on at all next year. They've already decided on moving February break to surround St Patrick's Day next year so not as many students will be in town. Everyone just needs to suck it up and move on. This has already ruined our school's reputation enough, and prospective employers are already sending letters to the school saying that they wouldn't even consider hiring anyone from our school, because "all" of those students are drunken messes, etc. Which honestly isn't true, because it's a minority that drinks often during the week every week.
So yeah, I'm still mad. But I think canceling it may be the best idea right now. Students don't need another reason to get drunk and get injured and start fights. I've been to Fountain Day twice, and I was sober both times. I STILL got punched in the face both years, lost a shoe, and had a crowd surfer thrown on top of me in the middle of the fountain. I'm not necessarily up for anything escalating this year, and I'd rather not see people being taken to the hospital or belly button rings being ripped out or people's faces bleeding. Besides, that whole fountain is a mess of disgusting water within minutes of people crowding into it.

I dunno.. this whole thing is just messed up.

Oh, and just for kicks, here's that guy's video:

Confession #36

Confession: I get excited about the simplest things.

A friend of mine asked me to go to Lennox with her on Monday, but sadly, she's going when I have class. And I promised my professor that I wouldn't miss one single class for the rest of the semester, since he's letting me make up all my missed quizzes. But I get to go with her next month. The drive up should be so pretty. And we're going to go on a really long walk and have an adventure. :)

She also asked me if I would help her out with an art project she and her friend are doing for fun. There's going to be 100 different photos with 100 different themes, and she wants me to be in some of them. It sounds like mucho fun, I can't wait. Besides, I haven't seen her since I got my tattoo back in January, and I miss her craziness. I'm also in need of one of our laugh-at-everything-imaginable sex talks. =P

Hmm, maybe we'll check out some graveyards. I know that may sound mad weird to some people, but I grew up with a graveyard literally a 2 minute walk through a field (aka, my house, then a farm stand, then a field, then the graveyard). I'm used to it. Begging my mom, when I was little, to go over there on Halloween (and getting a firm NO, which always annoyed me). Racing through the cornfields with my cousins to see who could reach the graveyard first. Sometimes I'd just go there at night and visit my dad's grave, and just sit there thinking about life. I find it oddly peaceful. Sometimes it's comforting. I miss my dad. He died when I was 4 & 1/2, and I barely knew him. But I always get this sense that my life choices would have been a hell of a lot different if he'd been alive when I was growing up. I also think my mom and I wouldn't argue as much, or she wouldn't have given me a harder time than my brother, if she had my dad to share everything with.
_________________________________________
Was talking to G earlier about relationships. We both have the same issues with it. Either we're too far away, too young, too honest, or they can't handle our pasts. I don't understand why everyone puts limits on what they allow themselves. I don't even want to go into the "you're too young" thing, because I'll just get frustrated and I could probably rant for hours. Anyway, G and I are both extremely honest. I don't hide anything from the people I date, but apparently that's a problem. People continuously lie and cheat, and they think that because I'm willing to stand up for myself and tell them what I think, that I'm not a good person. I'm "too caring." How can you dislike someone that gives a fuck about people? Cyclone in Australia, of course I care. My friends are having trouble, of course I care. I don't see how that makes me undesirable, but whatever. [Yes, I am ranting. And no, it's not over]. I was talking to E about this the other day, about the age thing. I seem to be getting that a lot lately, too. Like everywhere I turn. =/ That's one thing that really bugs me, because I get made fun of A LOT for looking younger than my age. When I was dating A, the second I walked into her grandmother's to meet her family, right away her uncle pounced on that. "What the hell, A? She looks like she's 10!" etc, etc. She, obviously, jumped right in as well. And of course, neither of them apologized. You could tell I was offended, I looked as if I'd been slapped. When I used to work at the mall, or back home, people would ask me if I was even old enough to work there. Good lord did I want to hit them. I get it, I look young for my age. You don't have to continuously bring it up and make me feel like a piece of shit, or like I'm not as mature as I am, or like I haven't done a lot in life. IF ONLY YOU FUCKING KNEW.

I mean, okay. I dated E's sister, L. L was 6 years older than me. We had one of the closest relationships I've ever seen (other than KMC and I's friendship). We had a lot in common, a lot of the same friends, the same views, similar personalities. Besides, the fact that we both liked mudwrestling (we used to dig a pit in her backyard and fill it halfway with water, and wrestle, usually when there was a party) only made the relationship more interesting. ;) We'd been to hell and back together, and I wouldn't trade any memories made with her for anything. Yeah, we broke up a few times, but we lasted 3 years.
So, when people tell me that they put an age limit on love, it seriously makes me cringe. And I feel sorry for them, because they're missing out on so many things and people and opportunities by putting limits on themselves.

The past thing.. it's probably the worst out of that list. I have an extremely fucked up past, definitely not pretty. But I don't think that I should be judged on the way I USED to live my life, as apposed to how I live my life NOW. I'm an entirely different person. So when I trust someone enough to tell them about it, I'd like to not have it shoved back in my face.
[End of rant.]

Confession #35

Confession: These thoughts (picture below) are no longer taking over my mind. Yeah, some of them are still there. But it's not such an all consuming part of my life. More like in the back of my mind, barely there. Anyone that thinks any of these about me can go fuck themselves. (:

_______________________________________

Back in the apartment, it's so weird being back. My room looks like a tornado hit. Thank you shitty repair men who tip over my shelves, making my clothes fly all over the floor. I can't even see my bed. And the floor is all muddy. I won't even go into how the living room and kitchen look. It's going to take the rest of the week just to clean everything. My landlord says he's going to send a cleaning lady... HAHAHA yeah right. The last time he had a cleaning lady come in, was right before I moved in this past June. There was dust and dirt everywhere. What did she clean?

_____________________________________

Had an exam today that I didn't even know about, that was kind of horrible. But I did the best I could. I'm downright lucky as hell right now. One of my professors asked to see me after class, due to all the classes I've missed. He asked me if it was because of my friend that died, and how I've been dealing with it. I legit broke down, in the middle of the classroom, with students filing in. I could barely talk. I so did NOT want to have that conversation right then. I've just barely begun to deal with the KMC situation. (aka, the therapy session was awkward, uncomfortable, but I have to go back. She looked pretty shocked when I told her everything I've been through {and that was just an overview of what's actually happened}). Anyway, I met up with him in his office after the exam from hell, and he told me that I can do the lesson essays that go along with all the quizzes I missed, and hand them in asap, along with one of the papers I missed. All I have to say is, thank the Goddess that some teachers understand when people are having a hard time. So, I will be spending all day tomorrow after my classes writing as many papers as possible out of the 5 I owe for that class, along with a makeup assignment for another class. And all weekend writing papers and studying for exams next week.

Well, at least I'm starting to get shit done, which is more than I can say for how I've been acting the past few weeks.

___________________________________

Also, I don't know what I would've done without G the past 2 weeks. Her constant encouragement, not to mention her being an incredible sweetheart to me, has helped so much. <3

_________________________________

"To be well in your mind you have first to be free"

Little Bee by Chris Cleave

Confession #34

Confession: My eyes give me away completely. If I let you in enough so that you actually get to know me, all of me, you'll be able to tell every feeling I'm having. I still haven't decided whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

____________________________________

Two spots of bright news.

1. My apartment passed inspection, and as soon as our electric/heating company and fire dept give us the ok, we can move back in tomorrow.

2. I have a job interview tomorrow. It's nothing big, just retail. But hey, it's extra cash for bills and fun. And there's no way I'm turning that down right now.

I need something to keep me busy, to motivate me. I've been feeling kind of aimless lately. And that's so not like me. I hate not being busy, I get bored. But I've just been staring into space so often that I haven't felt the urge to do a lot. So, keeping my fingers crossed.

Confession #33

Confession: "Please fucking mean it this time. I'm done with your wishy-washy bullshit. Seriously." - justahumann

I am tired of saying this. You never meant what you said. I will no longer believe anything that comes out of your mouth. I'm moving on, and it is honestly the best feeling I've had in a really long time.

Goodbye.

Want.

Everything she says gets under my skin. I want so badly to be what she needs, and to be there with her and for her. To hold her when she’s sad. To laugh with her when she’s happy. To hold hands with her, lace my fingers through hers. To tell her that I’ll always be hers, no matter where I am.

Will she give me that chance? Never. And that’s the part that hurts more than anything else.

Confession #32

Confession: I would date G, if I knew that's what she wanted. Even though it would be a LDR, she's someone I can see myself with long-term. But she also seems like one of those girls that flirts with everyone without realizing it, and you can't always tell if they're into you or it's just their personality. I did ask though, awhile back. She said I'm the type of girl she'd date. We're both more into personality than looks, but she is fucking beautiful. And she has such a lovely way with words.

_______________________________________

So, today is an uber busy day. I currently should be getting ready for the day, but I feel like I got hit by a truck. Seriously, who gets bruises and scratches all over their body from DANCING? Weird as shit.

Anyway, Relay for Life starts at 3pm. I kind of wish I could stay longer, but I didn't realize that it was on the same day as the AASRD bout AND E's birthday. So I'll just be staying until 6pm, then racing to meet S, E, I, P, and A to go downtown for the bout. I have no idea where we're going for E's birthday after, but I will not be drinking. Thursday was enough for me, and I'd rather not do any more stupid stuff just because I'm happy to be over someone.

____________________________________

* le sigh* Oh well, off we go!

Confession #31

Confession: 8029.) Please stop giving me the wrong impressions that you might have more feelings for me than you let on. I keep trying to break away from your spell, but I just can't. You occupy my mind 24/7. So please, stop being so nice and flirtatious with me, for I know I will start liking you again. I wonder if you like toying with my feelings. If you really do, I don't know why I ever regarded you as a close friend. You're probably just laughing at my attempts to not like you.

________________________

Seriously, it's not kind, or fair. You fucked with my head for the past two days. Stop telling me you love me if you're just going to go back to your old ways and try to fuck my life up again. I really do care about you, but I've finally admitted to myself that you're incredibly bad for me. This isn't healthy, this fucked up toxic dance we've been doing for the past year. I can't keep giving everything to you when there's no sign that you actually give a shit. I can't keep being the one to try to save you. You have to learn how to save yourself.

_______________________

On a brighter note, G was amazing last night (via text of course, cuz there's no way she could magically appear in NY - Although I wish she would). Texting me the whole night to make sure I was okay. Laughing at my drunken debauchery. When I told her I had a really bad panic attack (and then disappeared cuz my cell was on silent and I couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to breathe during the cab ride back to I's dorm room), she was completely there for me when I couldn't stop freaking out. (Which is more than I can say for someone else that I had told last night, aka C).

Confession #30

Confession: Good morning texts are lovely, and cute ones can make me happy for the rest of the day, no matter what goes wrong.

For example: This morning I woke up feeling like I got hit by a truck. However, i also woke up to a text from G saying, "Morning, beautiful!" She said the same thing to me yesterday morning, too. Gonna be smiling like a goof all day.

It's the smallest, simplest things that count.

Confession #29

Confession:

I remember, back in May, I was meeting up with an ex-girlfriend of mine. I was super excited. And as soon as she saw me, we went in for a hug and she picked me up off the ground and twirled me in a circle before putting me down, but staying in the hug for a few more seconds. That moment made my heart melt and my knees weak.

Anyone that plans on getting to know me should pay attention to this, because this kind of hug is my favorite.

"Then they say to “Follow your heart”…

But if it’s broken into so many pieces, which

way do i go?"

_________________________

Sometimes I wonder about things like this.

Confession #28

Confession: I like girls that read, and actually enjoy it (aka. not just reading for classes and shit). If you can recommend a good book, I will adore you. ;)
Also, I WILL steal your comfiest hoodie. Just sayin.

________________________________

_____________________________
Oh, and I took photos from when I was tabling. We had a Body Image Wall of Secrets that had Post Secret ones on it, as well as student-submitted secrets written on index cards. Needless to say, I submitted one myself.

Confession #27

Confession: I like a girl that knows what she wants and goes for it. ;)

_________________________

Biblical Interpretations.. enough said. I have the worst migraine ever this morning.

Could be from the rattling heater. Could be from the really loud fucking noises all night that sounded like something was repeatedly exploding outside for like 4 hours straight. Could be from someone's boyfriend's snoringgg haha. Just kidding about that last one.

I don't know why we were all so hyper last night. J, D, and I ended up watching Dollhouse until 2am. Eliza Dushku = UNF.

Also, my lungs are on fire. I think I need to be less drunk when I go out downtown so I'm quicker to realize the stupid shit that's going on.

Two highlights to this week. I get to see I, E, P, and possibly some others thursday night, then pass out at I's for the night since J is having two friends coming to stay with her for St Pattys Day, and her boyfriend will obviously be staying over as well.

Saturday is Relay for Life with my fraternity, followed by rushing to E's to grab her, A, and P to race downtown in time for the bout. Then out for E's birthday. No idea where yet, but as the last time resulted in semi-drunken hilarity, I'm fairly excited to see everyone lol.

I really need a nap.

I better see JT today or I will yell at her because she's been so MIA in my life this semester.

K, time to finish paying attention to this class.

[Wonder what he thinks when he sees my pentacle necklace every class -> my professor is a priest or something on the side]

Cannot wait to go back to J's and pass the hell out.

=)
_________________________
Edit: Ugh. Just when I stop thinking about C, she fucking texts me saying she's in NY and she wants to see me. I ask her if she's going to explain why she's barely said three words to me the past two weeks, and she says okay nvm. Wtf? I have a right to be pissed at her. She doesn't even care enough to explain. Seriously, fuck you and fuck this shit.
Now I really can't wait for this weekend to start. I deserve so much better than this shit, and I deserve to be happy. And I'm sure as hell too good for you, sweetheart.
________________________
Update: C texted me again. She said she needs to see me, and wants me to come visit her. She wouldn't explain why. So I called her. I haven't heard her voice in over a month. It was definitely hard to talk to her. She had to go but told me to call back. Her service fucking sucks. It kept not letting her call me or me call her, and it cut her off the one time she got through. The last text I got from her said, "I need you." That was over an hour and a half ago. Why does she have to make things so hard? She knows me too fucking well. She knows how far she can push me. I just wish she'd explain things so I could understand what the fuck was going on.
I'm not going to give in though. If she wants another chance, she's gonna have to work for it like everyone else [I'm single and I can do whatever the fuck I want, and I honestly don't care what anyone thinks about that anymore]. She's also going to have to start from the beginning again, because I'm not forgetting any of the shit that's happened in the past year.
Friends. That's what I'm offering. I don't have enough in me to offer her more right now. Besides, there's two other girls that I'm attracted to right now, and I'm not ruling either of them out.
____________________________

Confession #26

Confession: I think I finally started to move on a little bit last night.

_______________________

For the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about her, at all.

I wasn't sad, hoping she'd text me.
(In the words of DM, "I was just a crutch for your loneliness, your heart was never really there."
I'm not going to be her crutch. It hurts too much to give so much for someone that treats you like that.)
This makes me so unbelievably happy.

I think things will start getting a lot better soon.

L's birthday was AMAZING.

I haven't danced like I did last night in ages.

Normally I hold back a little. But holy fuck.

I went nuts haha.

All I heard all night was "Get itttt."

My friends are ridiculous.

S kept lifting L in the air to massive cheers.

AG came up from home with her fiance. My cousin came up from home as well.

We all haven't gone out together since Halloween.

But there were some serious creepers last night.

I think we spent more time cockblocking than anything.

I almost punched this guy who wouldn't stop harassing me. Like seriously, you're gonna yell at me for being gay, insult me, then try to kiss me several times? And then go after me again, then my friends?

I don't fucking think so. Some people are just disgusting.

The night got fucked up real quick after we decided to leave the club. We go outside to see 5 or so cops, this guy being tackled to the ground, him getting hit with a nightstick. We didn't even realize he'd been maced until we inhaled it. My throat hurts like a bitch still, and I sound like a frog. Fantastic.

The cab driver screwed us on the cab fair. I won't say what happened after we got out of the cab because it wasn't good.. I've NEVER seen my friends act like that.

________________________

Something keeps nagging at me though. Instead of being annoyed that C wasn't texting me.. I was kind of hoping for this other girl to text me. Never saw that one coming. I was a little disappointed last night. 

I miss little things like this. :)

G and I were talking last night about things like this. Like how you see girls just staring off into space, not noticing anything. And how lovely they look, how completely lost in their own thoughts they are. They're so at ease. It's such an intimate moment, like they're an open book. I agree with G. You can fall in love with girls during moments like those.
They're perfect in that moment.

Confession #25

Confession: I finally asked for help, and now I'm really nervous.

_____________________

I called the Counseling Center today.

I made an appointment with a therapist for thursday.

Between everything going on with my ex-girlfriend and K's death, I can't seem to do anything lately.

I need a little bit of extra help.

UNBIASED help.
But I don't really know how to start, or what to say.

I know my friends mean well, but they think they know the situation I'm in and they don't.

Two texts from my ex-girlfriend set me off about 2 hours ago, and I started crying.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I want to go back to being happy 24/7, like I used to be.

____________________

Thank goodness for a few select friends who are always there for me. I talked to R for a little bit and he made me smile. I told him I was so fucking angry and hate girls right now because all they do is fuck with my head and he says something kind and then goes, "So, does this mean I have a shot??" Haha. I remember a few months back we were talking and he kept saying I should marry him. I was like, "Sweetheart, I love you. But I'm not attracted to men. And we'd have to have sex if we were married and no offense but ew, haha." And he was like, "No we wouldn't. Nobody that's married has sex anyway. But we could cuddle and be happy." It sounds ridiculous, but his heart is in the right place. And he knows it will make me laugh. That will forever be a running joke with us.

Tonight will be a good night at least. I'm getting everything together to go to the Quad Office to chill with J since she has to work until 11. We're gonna order a pizza (haven't had Pizza Hut in FOREVER), and her boyfriend is gonna stop by later to hang out, too.

Tomorrow is Kegs N Eggs. :) Wake up at 7am, have a drink, go to S's with J and D to have pancakes and Irish Cream with everyone. Then S, J, D, KD and her friend, and a few others are going to continue drinking until we head downtown for the parade.

Then we're coming back to campus for a few hours since J is on duty in the Quad Office from like 6:30-11pm. Then we're going to watch SNL in her room and play Harry Potter drinking games.

Sunday will be spent in bed watching movies and the food network all day.

I cannot wait for this to start. I need a huge level of fun right now.

Confession #24

Confession: I had posted another confession for this one. But you know what? FUCK THAT. I won't be weak. I won't let you break me. I won't cry over you.

You don't even have the decency to tell me why you've refused to talk to me for almost two weeks.

The only two words you have to say to me are, "Who's B?" Really? That's it?

You are fucking ridiculous.

It's my time to heal.

My time to figure shit out.

If you want to talk to me, I'll be glad to.

But until you can admit that the way you've been treating me is wrong,

then it's just me time.

______________

Cannot wait for Saturday. Spending the entire day being drunk with friends and watching the parade. I've never been before, so I'm happy that I'm going. And I know that these are just the people to take my mind off of things.

_____________

Saw this on tumblr. It made me laugh, which means I'm on my way to a better mood. :)

Confession #23

Confession: "I'm smarter than most people think, only a few see that side of me. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I won't take no for an answer. I'll smile seconds after I cry and sweetheart, I work the world like my runway."

______________________________
Today has just been a day of bad news. Apparently out landlord is now trying to slap me, along with the people I live with, with a $1,000 water bill. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We haven't even lived there since February 13th (I haven't been there since the 11th). Just because the guys YOU hired to fix the place (after waiting several weeks to actually START) fucked it up, does not mean you can try to blame us. Just wait until the end of may, asshole. You're getting handed a lawsuit from all 8 of us. Have fun with that one.
______________________________

This brings back way too many memories.. =/
__________________________

Confession # 22 / I swear, sometimes I wish there was a pill you could take to fall out of love.

Confession: In case no one realized, I HATE LIARS.
____________________________________
It's been over a year of this whirlwind, fucked up, amazing relationship. We haven't actually be in a relationship the entire year, but on and off. I'm really getting sick of being lied to. We both noticed the change in her. She was doing so fucking well. But for the past few weeks, she's been getting back into the shitty habit of talking to me constantly for a day or two, and then dropping off the face of the planet for a week or three. It really sucks. Because she's coming home in 6 days. Well, when she comes home, she won't find me ready and happily waiting for her. I can't keep giving people everything I am when they say they want it, but show me the exact opposite.

Why is it so hard for her to be honest with me?

I'm tired of feeling like this.

I need something new.

Someone new.

But I need to forget this bitch.

Right.Fucking.Now.

Confession #21

Confession: I have less than 3 months of school left, and I'm still wondering how these pointless classes are going to get me on my way to a Master's in social welfare..

______________________________

Random thoughts floating around in my head:

- I want another tattoo. Not sure what I want though.
- Why does she have to be so fucking cute?
- I want to go back to sleep. Right. Now.
- Daughters of Sarah in an hour-ish.
- I miss her.
- I want to buy a Wartenberg Pin Wheel.
- Sunny D is amazing.
- B is being kind of flake-ish lately. =/
- She'll be home in 7 days. And I still don't know what's going on with her.
- Can't wait to catch up with JH at Relay for Life.
- How did my pledge class go from everyone being super close to different cliques over the course of one summer?
- J had a pain stick (I think that's what she called it) hanging from the wall right now.. I want to smack someone with it lol.
- Hoping my cousin comes up for L's birthday on the 19th so we can all celebrate that night, as I haven't hung out with her since Halloween weekend.

[Edit:]
- Why can't I get this new chick out of my head? It should be easier.
- I have 1 class tomorrow. I may go.
- I can move back into my apartment tomorrow. A part of me doesn't want to. It's been fun living with J.
- I had a nightmare while I took a nap earlier. It really freaked me out. I don't want to go to sleep tonight because of it. :(

Such a lovely day. :)

J, her boyfriend, and I hung out for a few hours this morning before J left to meet up with a friend from home. I just read a little (Started reading this book called The Four Agreements. It's supposed to be fantastic.) and passed out. Guess I was tired? I'm rarely able to just shut my body and mind down and sleep for an hour or two. It was so so nice.

J came back and we watched Cake Boss (for those who don't know, I LOVE that show.). C (I'll just say CD so as not to confuse with my C, well, no longer MY C, but you get the picture) invited J and I over for dinner. She's such a sweetheart. She made sauce from scratch, veggie pasta, and breaded green beans. We talked about boys and girls and how annoying they can be in the dating world. I did confess to both of them who I've been crushing on, and they think I have valid reasons for trying to forget about her in that way. We talked about various BDSM topics. Had a bunch of laughs. It was a nice time.

Afterwards, J and I went to our frat meeting.. needless to say, neither of us were overjoyed. It's beginning to feel more like a chore because of how disorganized it's become. We just sat there making jokes the entire time, signing up for various volunteer events, and catching up with J's little, F, who was in my pledge class. J has officially adopted me as her little, as when I was pledging, my big was a huge piece of shit and my twin and I almost didn't make our requirements to cross over into the brotherhood. We met the new pledge class, and I had a couple of the pledges interview me.

Now, I'm off to bed. Well, hopefully. J and her boyfriend are still up talking about random stuff.

Confession #19 and #20

Confession #19: I am officially done. Not going to fight for her anymore. I'm too tired. Her actions reek of how she used to be. If you've changed, you can fucking show me. Until then, I'm done.

Confession #20: I have a crush on someone I shouldn't, and would never give me the time of day. Dammit.

___________________________

Last night was pretty fun. J's boyfriend came over, along with her friend C (no, not my C) who I happen to know from a school group I'm in. We just hung out and drank and played a Harry Potter drinking game. I wasn't feeling well to begin with though (been sick for the past couple days), so I will say I didn't follow the rules completely. None of us got drunk, but it was nice to just talk and have a relaxing night.

Today is also going to be a bum day. As I'm writing this, J and her boyfriend are currently still asleep on the futon, so I'm trying to type quietly. =P J and I are going to make breakfast in her dorm (if I can even handle food today -> upset stomach = no bueno), watch movies all day, eat ice cream, and just try to have one stress-free day.

Holy. Shit.

Last night was hilarious. I had to stay in J's room to supervise the getting ready process. Then had to get myself lookin sexy (totally achieved btw). Went to go chill with P.I., E.P., A.N., and a couple other people.  We just sat and chilled, listened to music, and got to know each other. Two of P.I.'s friends were visiting. One was from Florida and one was from Kentucky. I don't really remember their names but I named them Kentucky and Fallen because that's what their shirts said. I ended up getting them on video singing a song that Kentucky had made up called "Poop on the floor". It sounds disgusting but it was too funny for words. Too bad my cell is stupid and won't let me upload to facebook. grrrr. Oh well. I ended up getting fake married to P.I. and E.P. became my mistress. I don't remember why or how that happened.. but it was cool beans.

I DID hit my head way too many times last night though. When Kentucky was singing he lunged to do a dance move and ended up slamming me back (I was sitting on the floor) into someone's desk. I hit my head  on the desk while videotaping. S tried to give me a piggy back ride when we went to go get vendies. EPIC FAIL. I told her she wouldn't be able to hold me, and we ended up sliding and slamming into the wall, HEAD FIRST, and falling onto the ground.

I have a SEVERE headache right now.
___________________________
And Oh My God!! One of my housemates just texted me and told me we can move back into our apartment on tuesdayy!!!!! Finally! Not that I'm not grateful to everyone who has let me crash with them this week, but I just want to be back in my own room with my own bed. We're gonna have to spend an entire day cleaning though, we haven't been there in almost a month.

I saw this and so I'm adding an extra confession today. #19.

I do this. And whenever I do, I usually get called a dork. Which

isn't very nice, but oh well. I think it's a cute thing to do.

And I love when girls do that when I kiss them.

It's one of the most adorable things
ever. <3

Confession #18

Confession: I'm so close to giving up on her.. I feel so lost right now.

I've had two really intense, eye-opening conversations on tumblr tonight.

One was about eating disorders and healthy weight loss. It made me feel a lot better, especially when I was able to help a friend see that she doesn't have to stop eating to lose weight fast. Hopefully, she takes my suggestions to heart, because she's an incredibly wonderful person and I would hate to see her go through what I've been through.

The other was about dating, picnics, and lesbian stereotypes. This girl and I have almost the same exact feelings on the topic of lesbian stereotypes, and very similar experiences with it.

I realize that that's a lame explanation of what happened, but I don't think either of them would want me to post our conversations on here, so I won't. But I'm very happy that I decided to say something to both of them tonight. On the road to recovery once again. :)

Confession #17

I'm too confused about every single thing in my life right now. It hurts to think. I wish things were simpler. I wish I had the answers. I need a little help, but I honestly don't know where to look for it.

I had another post planned for my confession, instead of this one. I'm too scared to post it. I don't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else, that that's what I truly think about myself.

Blahhh. Today has just been exhausting.

J and I just got locked out of her room.

The first night I stay with her and we both have keys.. we go to the vendies because I've been craving chocolate since about 5pm and we both forget to bring keys, and don’t realize it til we get back. I wasn’t wearing shoes.. so J had to run to find RAs so they could open the door.

Gahhh, gonna be an interesting week.

____________________________

Slightly annoyed with C right now. Blatantly ignoring me. Not.Fucking.Cool. We have shit to talk about, like for when she gets back in less than 2 weeks. I'm tired of being uncertain about what's going on between us. She told me that when she gets back, I better be prepared to spend a lot of time with her, preferably every day, if I plan on being her girlfriend. I have no problem with that. I haven't seen her in almost a year, and miss her like crazy. Every day sounds pretty fucking amazing. She openly admits to sometimes telling people that I'm her girlfriend (although we're not in a relationship yet), however.. it seems like since she told me that, she's trying to avoid the "us" talk. I'm just plain tired. I'm not going to fight for it anymore. When she wants to be with me, she can send me a fucking memo.

__________________________

I tried uploading a video I made for B earlier.. but it's fucking weird. It either won't upload, or it does upload but my body movements go ten times faster than my voice.. grrrrr.