Honestly.. just really fucking exhausted right now. Thought I had a test this wednesday.. but apparently my vision is playing tricks on me because there's no test until March 3. Absolute fail.

I just feel so stressed out right now. The past 2 days have just been emotionally draining. I don't know if I can handle what's being thrown my way, but I want to. I want to try to help this person cope with it, as long as it means that they remain in my life. We have about a month to figure everything out, then hopefully this person will be here, and my heart will stop feeling like there's a knife in it.

Off to bed, hopefully. Keeping my fingers crossed that insomnia doesn't stop by to pay me another visit.

I have no words right now.

Like.. I don't even know what just happened. Whether I should be happy or sad. I admitted everything to this person, no walls, no excuses. Every single feeling I've held inside for months and months, came spilling out today. And yet, this person wouldn't share with me what they were feeling.

So.. again, I have no idea what just happened, or what will happen after today.

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

stole this from london's tumblr

THE DREAM

I dreamed that you had ceased to love me—
not that you had come from other beds
back to mine, or gone from mine to others,
just that something in your heart had stopped.

I willed myself awake to find you still
beside me. It was just a dream, I thought,
yet when I turned to kiss you, in your eyes
I saw that you had ceased to love me.

I willed myself awake a second time
to find myself alone, as I have been
these many months, but did not know if it
was terror or relief I felt, and whether

dreams unfold the past or make the future
plain. I dreamed that you had ceased to love me,
and know when I see nothing in your eyes
I can’t dream myself awake a third time.


David Solway

Kissing is cool and stuff

haha, I love mondays with Ashley. She's so dorkishly adorable. =)

“According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”

"You are my other half."

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Don't we all wish finding our other half was easy?

It's such a hard thing to find, your other half, your soulmate. Most people live their entire life and die never having met this person. Some people don't even believe in soulmates. Honestly, I don't know if I do, as I haven't met that person yet. But, I think that someday I'll meet someone who will show me that they're my other half, and that there is someone who just... "gets" me, who understands me so completely that there's no need for words sometimes.

Until that person makes an appearance in my life, I'm trying to be content with waiting. But, as everyone knows, I have a hard time with being patient.

stealing this from ashley (tumblr) because it perfectly describes my mood right now.

"please stop appearing in my mind so scantily clad.
you must have control over this, because i certainly do not.
it’s causing me to have impure thoughts."

Seriously.. just fucking COME HOME.

I fucking miss you. You miss me. This isn't right. Just fucking come home. There's no reason for you to stay there anymore. You say you want to come back to NY (you've been saying it for months now), then DO IT. Stop getting my hopes up. Stop making me be the only one to try to get you here. You weren't here for my birthday, or yours. The only thing that stopped you was you being too stubborn to take a bus here. Seriously, it's a choice between a keeping your tv/shipping your stuff to my apartment and being miserable for the rest of your life. You said you wanted things to work out this time. Well, when you want me and actually are willing to come back to NY instead of staying miserable, you know where I am.

30. What changed this month, and what you hope will happen next month.

The birthday curse was broken and I had an AMAZING birthday.

I hope next month is even better. So excited for the things to come.

29. A picture of yourself.

26-28.

26. Your religious beliefs.
I'm Wiccan. Look it up. =)

27. Talk about your siblings.
My brother is 2 months older than me, and was born in South Korea. We don't get along most of the time, and we disagree on almost everything. He likes to lecture me a lot about life and my choices. But, he's my brother and I love him. He's always there for me when I truly need him.

28. The month you were happiest this year and why.
Hmmmm, I would say October because I was just starting to like someone and everything was new and happy and interesting. It was also the month I got to go visit her, and had the best weekend meeting her family, getting to know her in person on a different level, going to Northampton with her family to spend the day shopping and talking.

25. 10 ways to win your heart.

1. Always be honest with me. I don't care if it's something small. Don't lie to me.

2. Introduce me to your family. It shows you care about me, and that you think we'll get along. Family is an important part of your life. That automatically makes them super important to me.

3. Be there for me when I'm upset. Don't brush it off like it's not a big deal, and don't get mad at me for being upset. If I come to you when I'm upset, it means that I actually trust you.

4. Snuggle with me. Kisses on the forehead are always good too.

5. Leave me something cute in the morning. I love waking up to good morning or cute message texts, etc. It makes me feel special that you took the time. I tend to do the same thing.

6. Get to know my family and friends when I introduce you to them. They're important to me, and if I take the time to introduce you to them, it means I care about you.

7. Communicate with me. I'm very big on this. I can't always tell when you're upset or if you're mad at me. TELL ME when you are. I can't fix it or apologize if I don't realize that I've said or done something to upset you.

8. Let me in, let me get to know you. Don't keep whatever guard you have up the entire time. If I'm letting you in, please do the same with me.

9. I understand that you're not going to like everything that I'm interested in. But at least make an effort to find something that we're both interested in. For example: Football is boring to me. But, if you like it, I will make an effort to go to a game or watch it on tv with you. I won't complain about it. I'll try to learn about it and make the effort to be interested.

10. Show me you like me for me, my personality. Not just because of how I look. (i.e., my huge boobs).

21-24.

21. Something you can't seem to get over.
How some people only care about themselves, and have no desire to care about anyone else or what's going on in the world. Forgive me if I have friends in different countries, and when something bad happens to their town (like floods or something), I worry about them, and voice my worries to you. I'm sorry that you're so self absorbed that you only give a shit about yourself. One day, something bad is going to happen, and you're going to want someone to care, and they won't (simply because you didn't care about when they were upset or something bad happened to them).

22. 10 things about you people don't really expect.
1. I'm quite easy to talk to about the hard stuff. A lot of people end up spilling their guts to me or asking me for advice. I can't tell you the number of times I've answered my phone at all times of the night to answer a question or to listen to someone vent our their worries. I've even gone to people's houses at 4am because they wanted me there to talk to. 2. I am in fact intelligent, and I'm not a bitch unless I need to be. Just because it sounds like I have a valley girl accent doesn't mean I'm stupid or a bitch. I love learning new things and I love meeting new people. So, GET TO KNOW ME BEFORE YOU ASSUME SHIT. Kthx. (: 3. I'm adopted. People don't think that I am when they meet me and my mom because we look a lot alike. 4. A lot of people don't expect me to be so outspoken. But, I have no problem talking about basically anything, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. 5. They don't expect me to like some of the things I like because they consider them weird. I like The Addams Family (and have been nicknamed Wednesday by several people because I look like her). I like graveyards (and have this strange urge to have a picnic at midnight in a graveyard because I find them oddly peaceful) -> P.S. A.H. and I still have yet to do this. =(  I apologize, usually in my head but sometimes out loud, every time I accidentally step on someone's grave when I go to visit my dad's, aunt's, or grandpa's grave (I oddly enough live almost next door to a graveyard -> all that's standing between my house and that is a farmstand and a cornfield. I find horror flicks funny. Stuff like that. 6. I will drop everything I am doing if you call/text/email/whatever me when you're upset. 7. I'm usually completely open with people once they get to know me and we become friends. 8. I don't completely trust anyone anymore. 9. I'm not as innocent as I look. I have a fucked up past, and I don't always follow the rules. You'd be surprised. 10. I am actually 22. I understand that I look young, but please, when you meet me, do not assume that I'm 16 or whatever. And do not make fun of me for how young I look or how short I am. It's not funny after you make 8573947593765 jokes about it.

23. Something you always think "what if..." about.
One of my ex-girlfriends. I always thought "what if she hadn't lied", "what if she hadn't played games", or "what if i had done something to make her stay in NY." But, I finally realized that you can't think like that. Things happen for a reason, whether you like it or not, with or without an explanation. It's just something you have to realize and move on.

24. Things you want to say to 5 different people.
A -> you're really screwed up, and I feel very sorry for you. Please, seek help. Go to a therapist. You need it.
C -> I loved you with all of my heart. But you refused to fight for me, so why should I have continued to fight to be with you, when you wouldn't even try?
N -> We used to be such close friends, and now we're not even talking. And I really don't understand why.
A (different than the first) -> Happy birthdayy! Have a very good one, you deserve it. <3
K -> Help me repair our friendship. I can't do it alone.

8-20.

8. Something you're currently worried about.
Honestly? The fate of my best friend and I. We've been going through a rough patch the past few months, and it's been hard trying to repair the damage done to our friendship.

9. Your last kiss.
My last kiss was with someone that's just a friend. We thought their could've been something more, but we're better off as friends.

10. Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I've already stated my views on drugs. I highly dislike them. Don't see a need for them. As for alcohol, everything in moderation.

11. I think I discussed this in a previous post, but I'm currently single. I'm not looking, but if someone happens to walk into my life and I develop feelings for them, I'm not going to say no. ;)

12. Things you want to say to an ex.
Oh goodness.. you were a very fucked up person when we dated. I hope you turn your life around, because you're going nowhere right now. And even though you treated me like shit, I think that everyone deserves a chance to be happy.

13. A date you would love to go on.
Hmm, I think a picnic would be lovely. I haven't been on one in a long time. I would love to just go to a park (when the weather gets better) and spend time eating picnic foods, drinking lemonade, and laying on a blanket under sunny skies, talking about anything and everything for hours on end. (Yeah, that sounds corny, but it's sounds so cute.) =]

14. Something disgusting you do.
... umm, I don't actually know if most people would consider this disgusting, but I have this really annoying habit of picking at my fingernails, because they break a lot and get uneven.

15. The best thing to happen to you this week.
Tie between getting my first tattoo, and the party that one of my besties threw me. I had such a good time with her and her roommates. Tipsy twister (in dresses) and dancing. Need I say more? =P

16. 3 things that you are proud of about your personality.
I like that I'm honest, caring, and loyal as hell.

17. Things that make you scared.
- swimming alone at the creek
- heights

18. Disrespecting parents.
I feel like I've gone over this once before... but I highly dislike when people disrespect their parents. Don't tell them to shut up, and don't tell them that they're an asshole or a bitch. That's fucked up.

19. Something that never fails to make you feel better.
- swimming (usually at the creek, but almost anywhere else that I can swim makes me happy too)
- losing myself in a good book
- going out dancing with my favorites
- singing for a few hours
- when friends know I'm upset and they send me cute little notes, cards, texts, etc. That really makes me smile, knowing that they care enough to try and help.

20. The last argument you had.
It was with my mom and it was about something stupid, so we made up and continued on with our phone conversation.

7. Your opinion on cheating on people.

It's NEVER acceptable. I don't care if it's just a kiss. Cheating on someone is inexcusable. If you find yourself caring about someone else, or wanting to be intimate with someone else, then break up with the person you're dating. It will save you both a lot of heartache and drama.

whoops, mixed up the order, oh well. 6. 5 things that irritate you about the opposite/same sex.

Opposite sex:

1. the way they hit on me even more after finding out that I'm a lesbian. If I didn't want you when you thought I was straight, what makes you think I'll be interested in you when you learn that I don't like men/male genitalia?
2. The way they scratch/grab at themselves in public.
3. The fact that they always leave the toilet seat up.
4. When you come up behind me while I'm dancing with my friends and grab me in a vice-like grip and try to fuck me through my clothing. It's disgusting, so please stop. I'm tired of having it be "protect the lesbian night" every time I want to go to a club.
5. The way you assume I'm easy or a slut, just because I have huge boobs.

Same sex:

1. When women talk mad shit about people before they take the time to get to know them.
2. When women keep saying they're fat and ugly. I have had HUGE issues with my weight, and it seriously annoys me when women constantly say that. I don't know if it's because they're fishing for compliments or whether they truly believe that about themselves, but they need to realize that they are all beautiful and not one of them is fat.
3. The way you sometimes try to manipulate me, simply because you are female and you know what strings to pull.
4. The way some of you say I love you so easily, especially when you don't always mean it.
5. The way you assume I'm easy or a slut, just because I have huge boobs.

5. The person you like and why you like them.

I don't currently like anyone. But, I'm sure that'll change soon. ;)

4. what you wear to bed.

Haha um.. unless it's really cold out, I either sleep naked or in a tank top and boy shorts.

3. What kind of person attracts you?

I like females.

I'm not too picky about looks. As long as you're healthy and hygienic, I'm pretty much good.

Honesty is a VERY big thing with me. If I'm attracted to you and you start lying to me or acting mad shady, that puts me off so much, and I won't be attracted to you anymore.

Confidence is key. If I see that you're comfortable with yourself, and you're constantly smiling or laughing, and have this glow about you, you're golden.

I like a girl that likes to read. If you can recommend books that I'll like, I will legit adore you.

Drugs are a definite turn off. I've tried dating girls who were into drugs, and I just can't deal with the mood swings, being treated like crap, how they can't go the day without whatever they're on, etc. It's not worth it.

Intelligence pulls me in. If you can keep the conversation going (and not just small talk), we're good. I love when I go on a date with a girl and we'll just sit there over dinner or drinks and talk for 5 hours straight about our lives and opinions and interests.

Don't ever cheat. You will NOT get a second chance.

I love girls that can make me laugh. I like a girl that knows when to be funny, and when to get serious. I need someone that actually communicates with me, and tells me when something is wrong or when they're upset and doesn't hide it. Communication is one of the biggest things that keeps relationships working. Someone with goals.

That's about it. =)

2. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

I wish I could say that I've changed a lot in the past 2 years but, I actually like who I am. I like my personality, I like my friends, I love my family (though we continue to struggle with trying not to argue on a daily basis), etc. I may not 100% love the way I look, but I'm still comfortable with my body (despite a few struggles with my weight issues a few months ago).

I have, unfortunately, had to say goodbye to a few friends within the past 2 years. Some people just aren't good to be around. It's like their negative energy just sucks all the happiness out of you. I refuse to be around that. I like being happy. There's so much in this world that keeps me smiling. And I think that everyone needs to try seeing the good in the bad more often.

I've dated a lot of really shitty people the past 2 years.. this past year was full of them. My friends know, for the most part, who the biggest problem was for me this past year. I was more in love with her than I've been with anyone in my entire life, and I often questioned why. How can you be in love with someone who has no regard for your feelings, constantly lies to you, manipulates every situation to make you come out the bad guy, says she loves you but then goes and kisses your guy friend a few times, and who you barely get to see? Then again, how can you not be in love with someone who says things that make your knees weak, kisses you in ways that make your heart melt and makes your stomach do flip flops, apologizes to your mother for treating you like crap the last time they were around (knowing that she highly dislikes you for screwing her daughter over), does cute things like squeeze your hand and whispers "I love you" in your ear while you're in a dark theatre, and have the perfect day of a nice walk and several hours of just straight talk about your relationship, no bullshit, just this is how i feel, this is what i want, etc etc, before asking you to be her girlfriend again.

I have learned to stay away from dating crappy women though. I mean.. stupidest mistake of 2010? Dating a "recovering" drug addict/stripper. I will never be so stupid again to believe that someone like her could ever actually care about anyone else but herself. I now recognize the personalities to stay away from. So, I do have to thank her for that.

I've started doing volunteer work with my fraternity, and I honestly love when we get to volunteer. I have so much fun, and even when we're doing something small, it makes me so incredibly happy. And we have fun bonding over things like making sandwiches to send to a homeless shelter or making cards to send to sick children in hospitals. I have found such good friends through my fraternity, and I cherish every one of them.

I feel like I've become more driven, despite not always showing it. Yes, sometimes the personal problems that appear in my life get in the way of me doing the things I want, but I always overcome those obstacles.

In short, I'm thankful for my family and friends who have stuck by me through everything that's happened, for becoming a more driven person and finally realizing exactly what I want to do career-wise and that I've been on the right track for several years, and for the girls who helped me realize what I don't want.

I'm gonna do a 30 day challenge in 1 day since I'm sick today and not going to campus in -13 degree weather to get even more sick.

1. Weird things you do when you're alone.

Hmm.. well.. I can only think of a few things so here it goes.

1. When I’m in my room in my apartment and I start to space out, I’ll take to randomly looking at the massive amounts of pictures on my walls and reminiscing on those days in particular that stand out the most.

2. I have this slight OCD thing I do with counting and checking. Stove gas nobs, door locks, the cards in my wallet, etc.

3. I write down these lists of things I want to do or places I want to see, things I want to look up, books I want to read, movies I want to see, bands to listen to.

4. I make random collages or color in coloring books.

5. I write down random thoughts I’m having because they either amuse me, or confuse the hell out of me so I want to remind myself to figure it out later.

I literally had the best birthday possible. Like, we FINALLY broke the curse. I had an amazing birthday. N.L. is one of the BEST friends I could ever be blessed with. And her roommates are the best too, because they made my birthday so hilarious and entertaining. <3

Tattoo =)

So yeah. K.E. took me to her town so we could chill before I got my tattoo. So I go and meet her boyfriend and friends and then we go stop at the liquor store to pick up a bottle and I get back in the car and it wouldn't start. The whole ordeal made me 45 minutes my appointment. Thankfully, C was really understanding, and apparently really happy that I didn't cancel because a few people had called or not called and canceled. I had so much fun talking to her, K.E., and their (possible) new tattoo artist, who is a total sweetheart. I was pretty surprised that it didn't hurt.

 Stencil. Different from my original design, but it looks a lot better this way.

Me waiting for C to get everything set up.

Anyway, its mad swollen but yeah. I'm happy something went right this week.

Talked to one of my closest friends last night after not speaking for almost 3 weeks. Poured my heart out about all the shit that's been happening the past few weeks. Unsure of whether I feel better or not, I guess time will only tell. Hopefully we can repair our friendship after everything.

Biblical interpretations today... whoops, better do the reading before class.

The its off with a friend to get the simplest tattoo ever lol. But hey, at least it represents something really important to me.

I knew this would happen.

I was honestly so excited that I was going to have a good birthday for once. Nope, 2 hours after they were supposed to be here, my friend texts me to tell me they're not coming.

Honestly, if something doesn't go right this weekend, I may just give up celebrating my birthday, and just have regular nights from now on. I don't know if it's worth the disappointment every year.

Hopefully, tomorrow is better.

Seriously cannot wait for tonight. I haven't gone out in ages. Sucks that I have to get my biblical interpretations homework (again, WTF) done first. But then it's getting ready time, drinking with some hot bitches, and therapy thursday. Round 1, begin. =)

I don't know why I feel so stressed out right now. Maybe it's because classes just started and I can already feel the work piling up? Maybe it's because I'm slowly losing one of my closest friends, and there's nothing I can do about it? Or maybe it's just the expectations of my birthday this weekend.. I really want it to be good for once. As far back as I can remember, I haven't had one single birthday that didn't have something go wrong. I got sick, had a fight with my mom or brother, failed a test, had to work, etc. Please, just give me 3 nights of uninterrupted goodness. I want to spend time talking to my friends, dancing the night away, dinner, card games, twister, etc. 3 days/nights is all I ask for.

I was looking at old photos today, and I thought I'd reminisce.

Meeting G.V. after being friends online for almost 7 years was the highlight of my winter break. Had so much fun. She's one of the best friends I could ever ask for.

Halloween this year was definitely crazy.. I love this pic cuz it actually looks like I have a butt for once, every other picture makes my butt look tiny.

These people are like family to me. <3

Fountain Day this past spring was hilarious. I froze my ass off in shorts and a tank top (as it was like 40 degrees outside), got soaking wet in the fountain, punched in the face, had a crowd surfer thrown on top of me, and lost one group of friends only to find another then lose those friends and find another. My college is absolutely ridiculous on fountain day.

Helping out at Chocolate Fest with my frat. =)

Sorting through all the clothes from the clothing drive with my frat so we could send them out to where they were needed. What a day, some people donate clothes that are in the most disgusting state, we really needed gloves that day.

Had a tattoo artist paint on me and my bestie when he didn't have any clients.

I miss those days, everything was SO much simpler. But I think 2011 is the year to make some more of those amazing memories.

Seriously had THE most fucked up conversation of my life. I'm so glad I kicked her to the curb and stopped talking to her. L.S. -> You are the most horrid human being I've ever had the displeasure to know.

On the bright side, Are You Afraid of the Dark and talking to K.E. about my tattoo idea. And getting tattooed by a gorgeous female who is into girls is always a plus. ;)

STAY POSITIVE.

I think it's really important for me to stay positive right now. It's my birthday week, and I'm not going to let some lying bitch ruin it. It's time for the annual "stop being friends with people who aren't good for you, are fake, or fuck you over" session.

I really want to get back into yoga. That was such a good thing for me. I also want to meditate more. I stopped while I was in my hometown for winter break, but had no time, or kept getting interrupted.

This is MY week. Gonna make it a good one. Can't wait for my birthday party at N.L.'s on saturday. She's lucky she's my best friend. No one else could get me to wear a dress/skirt. Girls drinking all night and playing twister and cards in dresses.. sounds like a good idea to me. Maybe Waterworks on thursday. Bombers on friday.

I miss school, can't wait to get started on wednesday.

London - Mercy Me

This song describes perfectly how I'm feeling right now.

However, I won't let the shit that's going on ruin my birthday week. It WILL be a good birthday.

So excited to get my first tattoo this friday =)

This song has so much meaning for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dR1xJgeFjE&feature=sub

RFM Reunion =)

RFM Reunions are what keep me going during every winter break from school. I love these girls more than life. Catching up was so much fun, looking at old high school yearbooks and "the notebooks" we used to write to each other in, playing Clue, and watching Avatar until 5:30 in the morning, and sleepover. Couldn't have asked for a better night.

We have a tradition now. At least one awkwardly amusing piggy back ride photo for each winter break. The photo above is from this winter break. The one below is from last year's winter break.

I think it's a good tradition. We always laugh for like 20 minutes straight after. =) We've all changed so much since last winter, inside and out. I think it's for the best,