Work was crazy today. It wasn't as busy as we thought, but I still made almost $40 in tips from the waitresses today. :)

We all made a few mess ups today, but all in all, it was a good one. Once K and L left, I pretty much only had a few things to do, so I chatted with Big A until the others got there.

Seriously, my job is pretty much awesome. And there's always good food to be had.

I may take advantage of the free ice cream all day for employees benefit tomorrow, yummm.

And the jokes between the cooks and waitresses made my day.

I called B earlier to vent and talk to her about stuff. She's going to try to come here for Pride and stay for like 4 days. Adventures galore. ;) And.. maybe a tattoo for both of us. And I talked to her again just now. Such a dork. Nothing but laughter.

I met a really nice girl while at an apartment showing. I told her to take it, she's been through a lot because of her ex-boyfriend. And although it was a seriouslyyyy nice extended studio, she needs it more than I do. I think she deserves something nice after dating an asshole.

I also reached out to someone I thought I wouldn't.. C. And again, she was right there, ready to help. She didn't say much, but everything she did say helped. I'm glad I said something to her.

And I talked to someone I haven't talked to in awhile, and that was definitely funny. I am super excited for her, though. She's got a lot of things to look forward to in the next year.

Both KCs and GJ are here, they're almost done moving out. My mom and her boyfriend are coming up tomorrow to move my stuff out. They'll be keeping it at my mom's for now, while I stay with the KCs. I gave them the desserts I'd saved from the other day and they liked it, which is good. Sooo want cheesecake to bring home tomorrow.

Oh, and I get to see AH on thursdayy. She's back from France and I can't wait to catch up with her. Brunch and a walk sounds amazing right about now.

Tomorrow will be the first time I'm closing by myself. Last time I closed with G, but there's a lot to do so hopefully I can get most of it right. If not, pretty much everyone offered to help if they're there or said I could call with questions.

I really don't want to pack right now, but shit's gotta get done. Blasting music, singing at the top of my lungs, and dancing the whole way through? Hell yes. (:

Memorial Day.

If I'm being honest, I haven't slept, at all, in days.

I'm barely eating, and what little I do eat is forced.

Despite all I have to worry about, this one constant is at the front of my thoughts.

I can't get this out of my head, no matter how much I try.

And I'm not sure how to handle the situation.

I know I should keep my distance for now, and I'm going to try.

But see, the thing is.. I told myself I wouldn't let anyone get this close to me, that I wouldn't let anyone in this far.

She knows almost as much as KMC did about me. Yes, I let her get that close to me.

And that's probably the thing that scares me the most.

[side note: this will probably stress her out even more if she reads this, but trust me, it's not intended to stress her out. there are a million reasons for me writing this, and that doesn't even come into play. it's mostly for my own piece of mind, so i can work through what i'm feeling. i can't function like this.]

I value her friendship above a lot of others, even some people I've known since I was little.

I realize that some of my actions stress her out, and I can see why.

My anxiety hasn't been kind to me this past year, and I doubt hers has either.

But what I can't understand is why aren't I being forgiven yet.

Yes, I was grumpy. Yes, I was slightly bitchy.

But I'm also entitled to my feelings and opinions.

Of course, some part of my wants to ask why it's not automatic, this forgiveness.

And no, this next part isn't meant as a jab to her.

But ever since the other night, I keep thinking about all the times when she's said, "I'm sorry."

When she would get anxious, when she'd yell at me, freak out, etc.

Most of the time, the first words out of her mouth after those things were, "I'm sorry."

My response was pretty much instant, "It's okay."

I forgive easily. Or at least, I try to.

Those are small things to me.
Yeah, I may have gone outside once or twice while she was asleep so that she couldn't hear me, and let loose with the crying.
And I did end up crying before one of the bouts.
I was kind of in shock that she really thought that I was purposely trying to ruin her day.
Because I wasn't. I know those days are hard for her, but all of the ways I help people don't seem to work with her. I was still trying to come up with different ways to help.
Anyway, I digress.

She needed a way to vent, and I was there.

It's better than her punching a hole through a wall.

I understand that not everyone can get over certain things quickly.

But right now, everyone needs to understand that I'm trying my hardest to keep things together.

I'm going through a lot.

And there's things I haven't told anyone.

Days where I do things I promised myself I wouldn't.

And I sit on my bed at night and think about what an idiot I am for letting them happen.

And I work so hard, every day, to keep them at bay. To overcome them. To not let them happen again.

And I'm succeeding, one by one.

I'm also concerned with the possible loss of friendship.

I care about this woman a lot, and her friendship means the world to me.

Yeah, we've had some big road bumps, and we'll probably have some more in the future.

But her friendship was almost to the level of KMC and I.

Which is probably when things started going off track.

Because I'm afraid of having someone else be that close to me.

Losing her was bad enough.

This friendship has strengthened me in ways that no one will probably ever see.

It even helped me get through the KMC situation, and that in itself is a huge thing.

Because people like her are rare in life.
She truly is an amazing person.
I'd be a fool if I didn't fight to keep her in my life.
But I guess the best I can do right now, is to let her be and give her time to work whatever is going on in her life out, along with her thoughts on the "me" situation. That's definitely something I cannot press her about. So, I'll probably be missing the next derby event or two. She doesn't need the added stress, because derby is pretty much her life, and I want those to be happy days.
I'll probably have to work on those days anyway. Which sucks, but hey, that's life.

So, on this dreary Memorial Day, I'm hoping work will distract me. There's something good about going there. The people and the atmosphere.. it brightens my mood. Yeah, it gets busy as hell and yeah, I have to work with my boss today (which probably means I'll slip up and make mistakes more than usual), but K will be there to encourage me and to help me. And since it's a holiday, the business should keep my thoughts quiet for 7 hours.

After work I have to call my brother and hope he answers. I have a huge favor to ask him, and I hate asking for favors.

Then I have an apartment showing. The 2nd one yesterday wasn't too bad. I didn't like the outside steps, and the neighborhood isn't as pretty as one would hope for, but it's a decent place. Small, and I'd be doing some cleaning on it, but it's decent. Let's hope today's place is good, even if it's a studio apartment.

Well, I should go get ready for work. So much to do today.

pc.

Seriously.. that just made my day. :)

And it only took one thing.

And this may sound like a stupid thing to make my day,

but...

Daphnee Marie started following me on tumblr.

Now, this girl is younger than me. But she's such an inspiration to not only me, but to everyone that who comes across her blog.

Yeah, it's only tumblr, but this woman has been through so much in such a short lifetime.

When I first started following her, there were these letters she used to write to her boyfriend that had passed away.

Each letter was so incredibly heartbreaking, you could actually feel how in pain she was.

She's overcome more than most could ever imagine. Losing someone who your heart belongs to is by far the hardest thing anyone could go through.

Even though she may not post huge, intensely personal posts as much anymore, with each passing day, her personality and posts continue to brighten my day.

She is truly an amazing woman, and even though I don't know her, I wish her all the best in life. She deserves it.

If anyone has the time to look far back into the earlier posts for her tumblr, please do. It will most certainly change your outlook on life.

daphneemarie.tumblr.com

Phew.

*insert exhausted, incomprehensible slur of words here*

The apartment I looked at today was horrendous.

Even though it was in a nice neighborhood, like really nice.

But I have an appointment to see another one in a few hours, and another one tomorrow night after work.

Hopefully one of them is good.

I also have to wait until Tuesday to call back a gym about a front desk reception position.

Again, hopefully that works out.

Then I could have two jobs, since I have the time for it.

*fingers crossed*

It's so hot out today, and B told me that she's going to the beach.. really?

Grr, if I didn't have to work tomorrow, I so would've gone to Boston to see her and chill with everyone and go swimming.

I definitely need the relaxation right now.

If I can just get through this next week, I'll be good.

Then things will be calmer and I can focus on having an amazing summer.

Still got my summer list. Already have 4 done. Only 61 to go lol.. unless I keep adding to it.

Also, Oreo Mousse Cake is delicious. Was saving it for someone, but it looked too good to pass up haha. I'll have to give away the chocolate silk layer cake slice and the gloppy square (I think that's what E called it) so they don't go bad (aka, get mushy, etc). No idea what's in it, but if I were a chocolate lover, I'd be in heaven.

Ah well, guess the housemates get a treat later. :)

Time ta do some more packing and stuff so I don't have to do it the day I move.

So much stuff, and not enough things to put them in. Bahhh.

pc.

Pretty much a kickass day.

Got to work feeling like shit.

Told G and she automatically went out of her way to make me feel better, along with making a really fantastic smoothie.

K and A (I'm gonna call her Big A since K said she's gonna call me Little A or Little so we'll know the difference).

It was pretty slow for most of the day, except for the dinner rush.

A and I did bump into each other at one point as I was going to get drinks for a table..

and she ended up dropping half a cake.

Which was hilarious but sooo bad.

I doubt N will care though.. since at the end of the night.. something came loose on the dish washer and all but like 7 dishes crashed to the floor and broke. It was nobody's fault, but I don't know how they're going to serve tomorrow.. N will probably have to go buy a bunch of china tomorrow.

But seriously.. Big A didn't realize I'm a lesbian. We were talking about past relationships and she thought that when I said girlfriends I meant girls who are friends.

I couldn't not crack up. We all did.

She was like, "I've never had any lesbian friends." (That she knows of).

And I was like, "Well now ya do." *insert smile here*

Everyone was just super in sync and we had a lot of fun talking, telling stories, and making yummy desserts.

And I'm working the day shift on Memorial Day. Which means, as G would put it, "You're gonna make mad bank on Monday."

Such a great way to end my day/night. I'm definitely thankful I get to work at a place where I get along with everyone.

But, now that I'm exhausted, and since I fucked up my already twisted ankle even more today, I'm off to bed.

Have to wake up semi early for a meeting tomorrow and run errands. Gotta love "non-day off" days off lol.

:)

........

I feel like I was lied to.. and I didn't expect it from that person, of all people.

Don't know how I feel about this.

I'm just going to have to put it in the back of my mind until I have time to talk to them about it.

But for right now, I have a long To Do List to get done before I head to work.

pc.

"I miss holding your hand. 

I miss the way you looked at me. 

I miss your smile.

I miss sitting next to you in my bedroom.

I miss our silent moments when we just sit and forget about everything.

I miss my phone not going off and seeing your name on the screen.

I miss being so close to you.

I miss the butterflies you gave me.

But most off all,

I miss you."

I hate that this makes me think of someone specific.

I went through enough with her.

And then I see things like this, that make me remember so many good things about being with her.

She comes in and out of my life so easily.

And I'm trying so hard to keep her out this time.

So far so good.

Let's keep it that way.

But.. while we're on the topic.. I'd better get this out of my system while I can.

So here's a list of the things I loved about being with the girls I've dated:

- the way her lips would linger on my neck, and then bite down

- when they play with my hair

- when she went out of her way to make her friends my friends, and the fact that I'm still friends with some of those people

- that we could, and still can, talk about anything and everything

- kisses on my forehead

- the fact that no matter how at odds we were at any given time, when I needed her, she responded in 2 seconds and talked to me until I felt better

- private jokes

- being lifted in the air during hugs

- when she showed me that crumbling, abandoned building in the woods, and how cute it was when she got a tiny cut on her finger and was acting all fake sad

- going for really long walks, either talking or in content silence

- the constant surprises: little notes in my sweatshirt pocket, random gifts she'd picked up just because she felt like it, etc

- skyping for hours when we couldn't see each other

- when they give you that look that they only use for you

- the dorkish and silly moments when we went hiking

- talking through an entire movie because we hadn't seen each other in almost 2 months (despite texting and AIM and skype every day lol)

- picnics

- holding hands under the table while at lunch with friends or driving around with a friend, and her scratching my wrist while no one could see (scratching [hint hint: wrists, back/shoulders, hips] = massive turn on)

- kisses that instantly turn sexual

- falling asleep while curled up on the couch watching a movie

- how I let her tickle me when she won't let me tickle her

- when she apologized to my mother for what she'd put me through (however sincere or insincere it may have been)

- when she'd hold hands with me in public and not give a shit who was staring or yelling slurs at us, but continued talking to me (while ignoring everyone else) and smiling

- when I made up a story so that a friend of ours wouldn't follow us into my house so we could talk one-on-one.. and the hottest kiss we ever had (in my opinion)

- singing together in the car

- when she reached, and still does reach, for my hand when we're in the car

- before I came out to my mom, every kiss I could steal from her was incredible

Holy Fuck, Haha.

So fucking exhausted. Haven't been on my feet that much or been that busy in a long time.

And honestly, I love it.

I work with some of the funniest people I've ever met.

And they're all just as crazy as I am. :)

E and G are my fellow Scoopers, and they're both pretty and incredibly kind.

E started out my training because G hadn't gotten there yet.

It was slow going at first, like teaching me how to make Italian Soda and all the different coffee machines and where everything goes.

I think the only problem I'll have is memorizing everything behind the counter and the specials and menu items.

But hey, I went to school for a good chunk of my life. I should be used to memorization by now.

I'll get the hang of it.

G came in and we all got to know each other. We have a lot in common.

It was funny when we started to talk about relationships because as soon as I said ex-girlfriend they asked the typical questions that I normally get when I come out to someone, along with a few fun questions.

I did mess up a few times, but they were small things and quickly corrected.

So, all in all, it was a good day.

Oh, and I got to take home a brownie because there was extra.. yummm. :)

Now all I need is for someone to take all of the thoughts that are going on in my head and physically pull them OUT of my head. I haven't been able to stop thinking about one person all day.. and it's bugging me. Dunno what's going on with that, but I really don't feel like sorting it out right now.

pc.

Mixed Feelings.

I'm having mixed feelings about a lot of things lately.. and I'm trying not to be confused by it all, and I'm also trying to not let everything stress me out. I had such a horrible panic attack saturday night. I was legit scared as fuck. A friend asked if I needed to be taken to the ER. I don't understand what made me so freaked out.. but it took forever to calm down. And I clawed the shit out of my hand in an attempt to focus on something else. I finally calmed down enough to enjoy the bout. So intense. But it was really awesome.

Had a good couple of days. There's a lot of things I'm looking forward to in the next few months. Just waiting for it all to happen.

_______________________________________________________________

I've felt this way with only two people in my life so far.

As soon as you feel yourself falling, you know you're a goner.

You begin to fall in love with everything that they are.

All their little quirks.

The way they smile to one side when they're being affectionate.

The way their thumb traces circles on the back of your hand while your fingers are intertwined.

Certain phrases they always say.

The way they hold you as you both fall asleep.

The way they tilt their head to the side when they're thinking.

When you're not with them, it feels like that day takes 10 times longer than a regular day.

And you get so used to sleeping next to them that it's impossible to get any sleep, simply because they're not there.

You hate fighting with them. It hurts you when you can't fix things between you right away. When they're sad, you want nothing more than to wrap them in your arms and wish you could take their pain, worries, frustrations away.

And when they accomplish something, you're so incredibly proud of them, and show it in every way possible.

You will always love that person, in some way or another. And I don't think that's a bad thing.

Love has given me memories I'll hold onto for the rest of my life.

A Break From Everything

AH came over on Wednesday. It felt so good to catch up with her. So much has happened since we last saw each other, since we last wrote letters to each other. She listened to my stories as she always does, with an intense interest, always offering her opinion or advice. She always has a kind word for me, and makes me laugh when I'm sad. We talked about her and her boyfriend, and of course, I got all motherly on her when we talked about certain things. I get very protective of my friends, and definitely was concerned for her. I hope she takes my advice. She's not ready for the consequences of her decisions, not yet. Not at such a young age. She's only 23. Anyways, she left to go to work, only to call me less than 30 minutes later saying that she ended up having the day off, and could she please come pick me up so we could hang out some more. So, she came and got me, and we went to her house to make chocolate covered peanut butter balls (fucking amazing, just saying), and I got to see her mom and dad and goof off with her while making a bunch of desserts and we watched a dorky movie and played with her kitty (which I'd never seen before, it's the most adorable thing). We talked about opening up a bakery, since we're both really good at it. Jokingly thought to call it Cooking With Tits, as we'd have to have a cooking/baking show as well. I eventually told her we had to stop talking about it because we'd never get the money to start a business, and I'd have wasted 4 years of college. Not to mention, I definitely don't want to be stuck in my hometown for the rest of my life. It was nice to have a few stress-free hours to let everything go and be myself without having to censor anything I'm thinking or feeling. She gave me a positive spin on the things that have been happening in my life lately, and hopefully that positive outlook will stay with me. We made plans to go to pride this june, which I'm really excited for. So hopefully that works out.

NL came and picked me up on thursday to hang out. I love that her house feels like home to me. Like, as soon as I walk in, her mom always gives me an enormous hug and asks how I'm doing and actually looks happy to see me. It's not like things at my house. I feel comfortable there, and I can be myself there. Do what I want, talk how I want, etc. And her family says they're proud of me when I accomplish something. NL's mom remembered that I graduated this past weekend and she say "Oh my god, congratulations. I'm so excited for you." She didn't grill me on what I was going to do or where I was going. We ended up dying her and NL's hair and they both turned out pretty well, but NL wants to redo hers since it all didn't turn out the same shade. We went to Stella's for lunch. I miss being able to go there whenever I want. We used to go eat there, then run to the tattoo shop to hang out with one of the tattoo artists (who sadly, no longer works there) and he'd paint random scenes, animals, etc on our bodies if the shop was slow, and then we'd run back to Stella's for ice cream or drinks. I'm glad I was able to go there at least once (just in case I don't get to come back at all this summer). I was really sad when I found out that Ya-Ya's isn't there anymore. I used to get all my weird jewelry from there. We went back to NL's and watched part of an Anne Frank movie with her mom, and then I left to come home.

I had to sort through some stuff, since my mom is turning my old room into a storage/pantry room. I found a bunch of stuff I had collected when I went to Europe in 2006. It was fun to look everything over; all the metro stubs, pictures, postcards, etc. Even a travel journal we'd been given to write out our thoughts. It had me cracking up from all the petty shit I'd been worried about and my thoughts about all the stupid drama everyone had going on.

And then I get back to the house today, and there's more problems with the house. I'm legit at the point where I almost don't even want to stay here for the rest of the month. I'm about to just say fuck it and go back home. So sick of this mess. After May 31st, I don't care where I go whether it be staying in this town or going back home, just as long as it's not this apartment. Going from finally being stress-free back to stress.. I'm going to bite my landlord's head off if he comes over here. Just going to keep myself out of the house and busy so I stay as calm as I was when I was home. I won't let this get me down.

Worst Harry Potter pickup line I've heard yet.

Nice bed. Can I Slytherin?

I think I would smack someone for being a complete tool if they used this on me.

Just sayin.

Come up with somethin better. ;)

Random Assortment Of Thoughts.

When you’ve hit breaking point sometimes you need to be held, and sometimes you need to talk. The odd thing is we tend to talk to the most unlikely people. We talk to strangers in the street, a kind word or a reassuring hand on our arm causes us to open up, causes all the pain to come spilling out. We talk to strangers, or to people who are not in our inner circle because we don’t care and they won’t judge. We don’t think about the consequences of talking to those we don’t know well. We don’t worry that they are seeing us at our most vulnerable, that they may take advantage of that. No. Why would we?

Jane Green

I was looking through my computer, choosing things to delete when I stumbled upon this quote. And i realized, I did this about 3 weeks ago. There were two girls and a guy I met while I was out that I spilled my guts to. Two of them knew the person I was talking about, and one didn't. And until that night, I'd never once met any of them. Sure, I'd seen two of them a few times at events, but I'd never spoken to them. I don't even know how a conversation got started between us. It's funny how a complete stranger can cause you to say everything that's been on your mind for the longest time, but you can't tell the people who are closest to you what's going on. I guess the whole "I'll never see this person again, they're unbiased, they won't judge me" thing is part of the allure of talking to a stranger about your problems. On the other hand, you don't actually know if they're sincere. You don't know them, they could just be saying anything. However, I do think that those 3 people did genuinely care about my problems. And I can't thank them enough for being willing to discuss everything with me, especially in my drunken state. And I did feel a bit better after talking to them.

Dear brain,

Shut the fuck up.

(Seriously, enough is enough. I'd like to get some sleep sometime in the next fucking century -> like all the night terrors last night weren't bad enough?.)

Kthxbai.

______________________________________________

Feeling a little bit better today. Had a quick talk with G and B, and they put a smile on my face. Got about 5 inches chopped off of my hair. I promised myself I'd keep it long for awhile, but I just felt the need to get rid of it. It's kind of like when you're trying to get rid of a bad mood, you do anything to get rid of it. Go swimming, bake (made TONS of cookies today), dance, sing, get your hair chopped off haha (I did the same thing a year ago after C and I broke up - I just wanted something she loved about me gone). Thoughts tend to manifest themselves in actions.

I get to see AH tomorrow and I'm ecstatic. It's been ages since she and I have hung out, and even though it'll only be for a few hours, we have SO much to catch up on. Hugs, hangs, and a really long walk are definitely in order. :) Maybe we'll go into town with my mom for awhile. My mom loves AH. It's hard not to, she's a complete sweetheart. And, miraculously, she literally doesn't have one single mean bone in her body. I don't know how she does it. I've only seen her angry twice, and even then, she never raised her voice.

I go back to my apartment on friday, and I think I'll be slightly calmer by the time I actually get there. I'm still hoping to get some hang time in with LM and NL before I leave, but if I don't, there's always another time this summer. I wanted to see if my cousin had time for hangs, but I think she's having a hard enough time right now and needs to be alone.

There was a funny point earlier today, though. I was at the farm stand, having brought my mom lunch, and I was talking to her and my aunt when I see two chickens run over. She starts feeding them, and the rain suddenly intensifies to a torrential downpour. My aunt was like, "Oh hell, I just let them out for five minutes since it wasn't raining that badly, and now look at it." The poor things looked like drenched rats. It doesn't sound like an amusing situation, but the look on my aunt's face was priceless. Besides, it was funny to walk outside and see the chickens in my mom's yard, under the bunny coops looking for food. I took a few pictures, the little buggers kept running towards me thinking I had food for them.

And my mom and I didn't fight that much today, which is fantastic in my book. My stress levels are going down, and my brother leaves for D.C. tomorrow. So, it'll just be me and my mom until friday. I think I can handle that; there won't be as many people jumping on every single thing I do. Just gotta hope for the best.

And hopefully, when I go back to my apartment, I find more than one reason to be able to stay. :)

sometimes i wonder

why i even bother going home. as soon as i step in the door, i feel this huge sense of relief, like maybe things will be good, that the stress will go away. but then.. the fighting with my mom starts.. and my brother is home.. add his yelling and lecturing to the mix and i might as well be roadkill to them. yeah, i got tons of congrats on graduating. but when i told them about massage therapy school, all they did was talk down to me. you couldnt do something like that, its a waste of money, youll never find a job doing that, why cant you do something better. all weve done is fight since the minute i walked in the door. i dont understand why we cant get along. i try so hard to tip toe around everything because i dont want to cause another argument, and they get upset/angry whenever im honest with them. they dont leave me a lot of options. i think i need to plan on going back to my apartment sooner than i intended. i cant take much more of this without breaking down.

im just glad that i get to see a few good friends while im home. the only good reason to come home. theyll definitely improve my mood. itll be nice to have a few stress free hours.

Reminiscing.

I wrote this yesterday after my exam, but blogger was down, so yeah.

All of my finals are done. I have no more finals in my undergraduate career. I can't believe I'm finally saying that. KC and I went for a walk earlier and were reminiscing about freshman year. We barely even talked that year, even though she had the room next to my suite in our dorm. She had this really creepy roommate, and my roommates were psychotic. We almost ended up in a physical fight when they came home drunk one night, all because some girl lied and said I was talking shit about them. First of all, if I were going to talk shit, I'd have said it to their faces. Secondly, they knew I didn't like them. Thirdly, calling me a lesbian isn't an insult, it's a fact. Don't know where they were trying to go with that one. Anyways, we were talking about how it would have been such a better year for both of us if we'd gotten to know each other that year. I wouldn't have isolated myself so much (after getting fucked over so much by my "friends"), and she wouldn't have let her boyfriend control her. We would've been a lot happier. And I probably wouldn't have made as many mistakes or used alcohol to try and solve all my problems. I think we would have done things a LOT differently. But I'm glad that we finally got to know each other and became such good friends. I don't know how I would've gotten through all of the shit that's happened to me this past year if she hadn't been there for me.

My Sociology graduation ceremony is this Saturday. I'm excited for it. KC is going to go to support me and take pictures of everything. We're going to meet up with JB beforehand so she and I can hang out and sit together so the ceremony won't be so boring, haha. Hopefully she got our fraternity cords so we can wear them for both ceremonies. The main graduation ceremony is on Sunday. I'm also going to be sitting with JB during that ceremony. All the sociology majors get to sit in the same area. My mom, brother, and my mom's friend, PM, are coming up for it. I'm both happy and anxious about that. I love PM. She's been one of my mom's closest friends since my mom was in high school. She's always been there for us, and I always give her an enormous hug whenever I see her, which sadly, isn't often. She's one of those people that you instantly feel comfortable around. It's literally impossible to be in a bad mood around that woman. I'm anxious because I know that my mom and I will be arguing all day, because that's what we do. We barely ever agree on anything, and when we do, it's short-lived. My brother… it's never been good between us. We grew up disliking each other. Cursing at each other, throwing things at each other, facing off whenever our cousins would get us all together to play sports. He's never been interested in my life, and I've never been interested in his. I'm still shocked that he even wants to be at my graduation. I know that I'll be receiving a few lectures from him that day, because he won't be home for long since he has to go back to D.C. for work before he leaves for Harvard in the fall, and he needs to get in a few good "lessons" before he leaves. I know he means well, but he always repeats himself and I feel so rude because I always stop paying attention, but I can't help it. I get bored. I've heard everything he's said so many times. He is, however, truly blessed to have so many things going for him. I know that he and my mom both wish I had his ambition, his drive. I've always had a more laid-back, go with the flow attitude. My mom alway said that if she could combine my brother's and my personalities, we'd be the perfect person.

KC and I also talked about how we've changed. I was talking to her about one of my ex-girlfriends and how she always used to talk about how she had no self-confidence. Which made no sense to me because she always seemed so confident whenever we were together. That's what attracted me to her in the first place. Then KC said that her boyfriend told her that she was such an outgoing and confident person, and she was like, "I'm really not, though." And I got all confused and was like, "Yes, you are. You're always  wanting to go new places, try new things, meet new people. You always seem so excited about it." And all she said was, "Yeah, but I'm really nervous and anxious the entire time I'm doing those things." It completely gives me a new perspective on her. I'm not used to her having such little confidence in herself because she's this amazing person with so much intelligence and so many opportunities for her out there. Not to sound cliche/corny but, she's gonna go far. Then we talked about me. I've changed so much. I used to be so so outgoing, wanting to be friends with everyone, always truly happy and smiling, excited about everything in life. I'm not like that anymore. After everything that's happened the past few years, I've become so much more introverted. Less confident in who I am. And I can't stand it. I know exactly when I started to become like this, and it's a legitimate reason for me to change. But, I always thought that I'd revert back to my "old self" at some point, and I haven't. I'm not as happy as I once was. And I don't know what it's going to take to go back to being the happy-go-lucky, 24/7 smiling, I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think, go with the flow girl that I used to be, but I need to try. I can't keep going on like this, keeping everything inside, afraid to say anything because it might offend someone. I never gave a fuck before, I don't understand why I've been holding back and censoring myself for the past few years. I never used to let people walk all over me, and the past year or so, I've been letting everyone (well.. everyone that's gotten close enough to me to know what's gone on in my life) walk all over me and use me to no end. But seriously, enough's enough. I'm done with that bullshit. I'm not going to let everyone ragging on me stress me out anymore. I'm done trying to live up to my family's expectations of me. I'm done competing. I'm just done. It's legit time for a change. I want to be as happy as I was, and I'm not letting anyone or anything get in the way of achieving that.

I've made a summer list. I don't expect to get the majority of that list done by the end of summer. If I don't, it'll just become a life list, and I'll keep adding to it. Among the top ones that I want to cross off the list are: to ride a roller coaster (as I'm extremely afraid of heights, which leads to fear of riding roller coasters). I want to have an RFM Reunion complete with bonfire, marshmallows, swimming in the creek, and a sleepover (possibly in a tent, I think we have one somewhere.. maybe we lost it.. I dunno). I want to drag my favorites to the pride parade this year, since I've never been to a pride event before. And I want to leave New York (for a vacation, not for good -> well.. not just yet, anyway.) -> I want to visit my family in North Carolina. I haven't seen them in a very very long time, not since we took a roadtrip to North Carolina to stay with them for a few days. I remember being intensely happy there. The places, the people, my family. I got to meet so many aunts and uncles and cousins. I think my favorite memory of that trip was hanging out with my cousin, E. She was a lot older than I was, but we had a blast. She showed me around, and we hung out at her place, and her cat was hilarious. It was this 39lb roley poley old fart of a cat, and whenever he wanted to get off the bed he'd just roll off it onto the floor, and you couldn't even see his legs. Also, apparently my mom can fake a North Carolina accent. I wasn't told that story until years later, but it was pretty funny.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. (:

The talk.

I've been talking to B for like the past hour.
We were talking about friendship and how we feel like they've changed over the years.

I told her I feel like I have no one I can turn to for the big life stuff anymore, well... not like I used to.

I'm not close with anyone anymore. I don't confide in anyone as much as I used to.

I feel like I can't keep letting my walls down and opening my heart to people, if all they're going to do is throw it back in my face.
Granted.. not everyone has mistreated my being so open with them, and I'll fight to keep those friendships for as long as possible.
But most people haven't been so kind.

I don't know if I can keep letting those people take and take and take from me.

There's not much left to give.

My heart isn't as big as it used to be.

There's cracks and holes, it's imperfect.

L once told me that I don't have much to offer anyone.. because I'm damaged.

The sad part is.. I can't completely dismiss what she said.

I am damaged.. broken. I have been for years. I have dents in my heart that take time to fix.

I'm needy at times, I don't always say what I'm thinking and when I do it comes out wrong, I don't always do or say the right things, and I have the shittiest memory in the world.. which will definitely get on your nerves. I'm a pain in the ass. I know all of that.

I realize all of that doesn't make me an ideal candidate for a girlfriend or a friend.

But I'm also one of the most loyal people you will ever meet. I won't lie to you. I won't cheat. I will always be there for you, no matter how busy I am or who I'm with or what time of day/night it is. I'll support you in everything that you do, and be at as many of your events or programs as possible simply because I want you to know that I'm there for you. I won't judge you. I'll try to cheer you up when you're crying, or just hold you as you cry if you need to. I treat my friends better than I treat my family, because my friends have been more like family to me than my own family has.

I'm a good person. And there's a lot of qualities about myself that I like.
However, I think that I need to start being less emotional. Maybe it's time to let some of my "old" personality come back. Get back to being more carefree. Not let the small or big things get to me. It could be a good thing. What the hell, let's give it a shot.
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The talk with B did me some good. Started off sad, ended on laughter. She officially thinks my housemates are the best just because of hearing the types of conversations we all come up with.
.. just no mentioning the "P" word.. haha. It grosses her out. =P

Ah well. Maybe this "bad day" hasn't turned out so bad after all. As my mom always says, "Only think about the positive." Negativity breeds negativity, and that's something that I don't need right now.
So, I'm off to watch My Cousin Vinny because Marisa Tomei always makes me laugh when she does this scene...

And this scene.. lol. Gotta love her rants.

KC and I watched Super Troopers last night, and ran errands this morning. It was nice to spend time with her, it seems like we don't get to do that anymore. We walked home from grocery shopping. It's unbelievably nice outside.

After the continuous night terrors after I went to bed, it's comforting to have some normalcy for a little bit. Some laughter and light.

I also now have a job interview tomorrow, so keeping my fingers crossed on that one. The schedule they're asking for would be perfect, and I could fit in school and friends. And it's close by.

N might stop by for a bit later. I'm going to miss her when she goes home for the summer. It kind of sucks, because we used to be incredibly close, she was one of my best friends. Nearly inseparable during the summertime, I practically lived at her house. But ever since she came to my university, we've drifted apart. I find it so odd that two friends don't hang out as often as they used to when they live closer to each other. Doesn't really make sense.

Apparently B and I are going to talk tonight as well. We haven't talked in more than a week, and even then, we barely scrape the surface when we talk about our lives. Hopefully, we can get back to being friends.

I talked to my mother today so I could wish her a late happy mother's day. She said that my brother is coming to my main graduation this sunday. I'm actually pretty surprised. He's never shown an interest in my accomplishments before, let alone my schooling. Who knows what's going on for my sociology graduation on saturday. I have no idea what I'll be doing after to celebrate. Guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I was also hoping to go to a massage therapy school open house tomorrow night, but I don't think that's going to happen. Especially the night before an exam. Sucks. :(

Well, since I got such a late start today, I should go tear apart my room in an attempt to clean and sort through everything. All the decorations on my wall are coming down.. that alone is going to be a pain in the ass.

pc.

Meditation.

Last night.. I haven't been woken up from that vivid of a nightmare in awhile.. It was as if someone had physically slapped me awake.. granted, I'd had a headache the entire day before it, but it was more intense when I woke up.. and my cheek hurt. I can't for the life of me remember the dream, but still.. having physical affects from a dream make me wonder what the hell I was dreaming of..

I can't seem to distract myself today. Sleep was definitely not an option. Regardless of how much television I watch or how many times I try to meditate, I can't get into it. I'm restless. I can't read. The sad part is, I don't even feel the urge to go for a walk. About to try yoga. It's been awhile, let's hope I remember how to not twist myself into a pretzel. =P

There's this Sky & Earth Grounding Meditation I've been wanting to try.. but sadly, I think someone would interrupt if I were to see me sitting outside on the ground surrounded by lit candles listening to celtic music. And interruptions would be a big pain in the ass, considering it'd fuck up the whole trying to achieve a sense of calm thing. So, I'll have to save that one for the next time I visit my hometown. Then I'd be in the middle of nowhere and no one would bother me. For now, I guess I'll have to make due with a basic meditation. Still, it might help a bit. I've had the shakes in my hands and legs for hours, and can't get them to stop.

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Well, I tried meditation. Although I couldn't tune out the sounds from traffic and people coming through my window, I do feel calmer. I could actually hear my heart beat. I definitely like the meditation I chose. I saw myself strolling through these lush, rolling hills and continued on to a beach, to walk along the water. And it started to rain. It was, without a doubt, a beautiful sight.

However, I could not get the pain in my spine to go away. Normally, when I meditate, if I focus on whatever body part is painful, I can lessen it, tuck some of the pain into the back of my mind, or just focus on unwinding whatever muscles are causing it. I don't know.. maybe I just really fucked up my spine. I didn't know it was this bad. When I was focusing on it, I felt like I was going to pass out because it hurt so badly.

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I can't believe my graduations are this coming saturday and sunday. Why is it that 4 years seem to drag by, while the last month flies by so fast. So nervous.

I cannot wait for this day to be over.

Nightmares all night. N kept texting me. So exhausted, stayed up writing a paper that I had no interest in. I have an exam in 2 & 1/2 hours that I'm not ready for.

Thank fucking Goddess I get to hang out with N later. Laundry and vent sessions are the best cure. And... maybe a drink or two at Sutters. I legit haven't seen her since February and she's leaving tomorrow to go back home for the summer. I haven't been home since February either. I miss everyone. Once all my near-future stuff is settled, I'll have to plan a trip home for a few days to visit.

Everyone is graduating or leaving and it's such a sad thing to see these incredible friendships possibly diminish because of the distance that will be put between us.

It's weird, I never minded staying in the town I'm in until now. I think within the next year or two I need to get out of NY. I've been contemplating that idea for some time now (if we're being honest, probably since I was 16, but could never get my shit together and serious enough to leave). I want to go visit my birth mom in LA. I keep thinking about going back to Nice, France even though I can't remember more than 3 words of French. Maybe NC. London during the summer would be nice to go to again. I know half of these things won't happen, but I have 2 goals. If I don't get into the other grad schools, I'll apply to massage therapy school (probably should have done this instead of trying to get a social welfare degree, as it was one of my first choices, but oh well). When that's over, I'll seriously have to think about where I want to go and what I want to do.

I miss.

"I swear you know me better then anyone else, even myself."

I miss that.

I miss having someone know practically everything about me.

I miss the daily phone calls and texts.

I miss the laughter and inside jokes that no one else could ever decipher.

I miss someone knowing what I'm thinking before I even say it.

I miss someone being able to tell how I'm feeling without even looking at me.
I miss having someone to go to, someone I can tell anything to, knowing they won't judge me for any of it.
I miss knowing that I can actually confide in and talk to someone who isn't biased because it's about them or someone they know or who thinks they know the entire situation or assumes whatever I'm saying is about them or that I'm feeling the opposite of what I'm feeling.
I need someone to step up to the plate.. soon..

 because.. I miss not having my best friend.. who does all of the above, and then some.

Just a bad day in general.. with a sort of nice middle point.

Okay, so I wake up and actually manage to start studying.

Then I check my email...

And find out that I did NOT get into the grad school of my choice, and will therefore NOT be getting my social welfare degree anytime soon.

I felt like screaming.

I get that it's uber competitive and my grades aren't the best, but geez. I thought I at least stood a chance.

I think I did okay on my exam.. not really sure. I didn't remember as much as I needed to for the short answer portion.

Went to my interview in a mad sketchy neighborhood (mind you, I passed one person getting arrested by FIVE cops on the way to my interview.. AND two guys getting arrested by four cops on the way back from my interview) and walked by multiple drunk people in order to get to the building. Then I walked into the building with one of the chronic alcoholics that lives at the building I was being interviewed at.

Everyone in there gave me creepy looks, and the interview was bad. Like, she made me NOT want to work there. At all. I officially have no interest in that job opportunity anymore.

So I left and went to take the bus home. Get on it and have no idea where I'm supposed to get off, turns out this girl and I need to catch a different bus so we get off together and walk to a different bus stop and start talking.

Seriously, the only bright spot in my day was that I met a really nice, friendly lesbian and had a conversation with her about her girlfriend, both of us graduating, what we want to do with our lives, etc. Best part about it? She was about 26 or 27 years old, and knowing that I'm "only 22," treated me like an equal. Most of the time people that are 4 or 5+ years older than me treat me like I'm 10 years old. But she was nice enough to talk to me as if I were her age and not comment on my indecisiveness about certain situations in my life.

I love when I get to have random conversations with people that sort of open my eyes to what's going on in my life that I'm not noticing because I'm too close to the situation.

The sad part? We didn't exchange names or get to continue our conversation longer.

Oh well, that's life I suppose.

I guess I should go finish my paper for latin cinema and study a bit for child psych.

pc.

Confessions.

1. I tear up when I'm extremely frustrated: When I feel frustrated because of things someone is saying or doing, when someone is trying to control me, when someone doesn't back off when they know that something they're doing to me reminds me of something bad from my past, etc, I start to tear up. And if they don't stop, I start crying. But I try to cover it up and not let them see. Usually, I'll excuse myself to go to the bathroom or get up to get my cell phone or a drink from the fridge, etc. All of those are excuses. If that person can't tell that they're frustrating/hurting me, it's not good.

2. I hate when people try to "fix" me. I'm not broken, so shut the fuck up.

3. When someone says, "Come here," and crooks their finger at me in a "get your cute ass over here" motion, and smiles.. I find it incredibly adorable.

4. I'm a sucker for kisses on my forehead.

5. If you see me wearing obnoxiously bright nail polish, it either means that I'm having a fantastic day or that I was having a really shitty day and I painted my nails a bright color in order to make myself smile.

6. My wall came completely down the other day. I'm just waiting for someone to pounce on that fact (as it's an incredible rare occurrence), but nobody's noticed yet.

7. I know that I have some big decisions ahead of me, but I'm not sure what to choose. I've been so confused and worried about it lately. I don't want to choose wrong.

8. "I'm not getting better. I'm getting better at playing it off." -> I've used to be so good at playing it off like everything is great. But now.. my eyes give me away completely.

9. When I all of a sudden stop talking and get really quiet.. I'm either thinking about a million different things or upset. If you can tell which is which, then bless your little heart.

10. If I feel comfortable enough around you to sing in front of you, feel special. I've only been able to do this with like 4 people in my entire life and not turn bright red or stammer or fuck up the words.

11. I'm not sorry that I'm not who you want me to be. And I never will be. I shouldn't have to change for anyone.

12. I hate when people have their friends and family evaluate me. Seriously, if you're going around asking everyone's opinions of me to form your own, then there's a problem. You should know how you view me. Got it? Good.

13. If you see me asleep in the fetal position (as in tightly curled in a tiny ball), something is wrong. I'm either having a nightmare, scared that something bad will happen while I'm sleeping, or can't sleep but am intensely upset. That would be your cue to snuggle next to me and put your arms around me. Trust me, it helps.

That's about it for now, I suppose.

Pc.

Remember.

Last night I did a lot of thinking, trying to remember. I sat staring into space for the longest time. I thought so long that my head hurt. And, of course, when I finally stopped thinking about it, I actually started to piece some of it together. (Why does everything in my life have to happen ass backwards?) I remember a little bit.

After I took a shower last night, I noticed something. I have swelling in places that can't be explained by anything else. And on and off since yesterday, there's been this rhythmic, pulsing pain every time I try to move or walk. I've gone through every scenario I could think of to come up with a different cause for those things, but I can't.

I feel like throwing up right now.

I don't want to ever think or talk about it again, but I don't know if I can forget. I think the best thing would be to push it to the back of my brain for now, and focus on everything that I need to get done these next two weeks, and deal with it after.

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I had the worst panic attack I've ever had this morning. I woke up and I immediately felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so hard to focus on something other than what I was feeling. You'd think my ADD would kick in, but noooo. I couldn't get back to sleep, fucking nightmares. Stayed up and tried to meditate, but that didn't work out.

I think I'm going to see if anyone wants to go swimming this week. Even though we'd have to use the university pool, I seriously just need to swim until my muscles refuse to function and until I'm too tired to think.