When you’ve hit breaking point sometimes you need to be held, and sometimes you need to talk. The odd thing is we tend to talk to the most unlikely people. We talk to strangers in the street, a kind word or a reassuring hand on our arm causes us to open up, causes all the pain to come spilling out. We talk to strangers, or to people who are not in our inner circle because we don’t care and they won’t judge. We don’t think about the consequences of talking to those we don’t know well. We don’t worry that they are seeing us at our most vulnerable, that they may take advantage of that. No. Why would we?
Jane Green
I was looking through my computer, choosing things to delete when I stumbled upon this quote. And i realized, I did this about 3 weeks ago. There were two girls and a guy I met while I was out that I spilled my guts to. Two of them knew the person I was talking about, and one didn't. And until that night, I'd never once met any of them. Sure, I'd seen two of them a few times at events, but I'd never spoken to them. I don't even know how a conversation got started between us. It's funny how a complete stranger can cause you to say everything that's been on your mind for the longest time, but you can't tell the people who are closest to you what's going on. I guess the whole "I'll never see this person again, they're unbiased, they won't judge me" thing is part of the allure of talking to a stranger about your problems. On the other hand, you don't actually know if they're sincere. You don't know them, they could just be saying anything. However, I do think that those 3 people did genuinely care about my problems. And I can't thank them enough for being willing to discuss everything with me, especially in my drunken state. And I did feel a bit better after talking to them.
Dear brain,
Shut the fuck up.
(Seriously, enough is enough. I'd like to get some sleep sometime in the next fucking century -> like all the night terrors last night weren't bad enough?.)
Kthxbai.
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Feeling a little bit better today. Had a quick talk with G and B, and they put a smile on my face. Got about 5 inches chopped off of my hair. I promised myself I'd keep it long for awhile, but I just felt the need to get rid of it. It's kind of like when you're trying to get rid of a bad mood, you do anything to get rid of it. Go swimming, bake (made TONS of cookies today), dance, sing, get your hair chopped off haha (I did the same thing a year ago after C and I broke up - I just wanted something she loved about me gone). Thoughts tend to manifest themselves in actions.
I get to see AH tomorrow and I'm ecstatic. It's been ages since she and I have hung out, and even though it'll only be for a few hours, we have SO much to catch up on. Hugs, hangs, and a really long walk are definitely in order. :) Maybe we'll go into town with my mom for awhile. My mom loves AH. It's hard not to, she's a complete sweetheart. And, miraculously, she literally doesn't have one single mean bone in her body. I don't know how she does it. I've only seen her angry twice, and even then, she never raised her voice.
I go back to my apartment on friday, and I think I'll be slightly calmer by the time I actually get there. I'm still hoping to get some hang time in with LM and NL before I leave, but if I don't, there's always another time this summer. I wanted to see if my cousin had time for hangs, but I think she's having a hard enough time right now and needs to be alone.
There was a funny point earlier today, though. I was at the farm stand, having brought my mom lunch, and I was talking to her and my aunt when I see two chickens run over. She starts feeding them, and the rain suddenly intensifies to a torrential downpour. My aunt was like, "Oh hell, I just let them out for five minutes since it wasn't raining that badly, and now look at it." The poor things looked like drenched rats. It doesn't sound like an amusing situation, but the look on my aunt's face was priceless. Besides, it was funny to walk outside and see the chickens in my mom's yard, under the bunny coops looking for food. I took a few pictures, the little buggers kept running towards me thinking I had food for them.
And my mom and I didn't fight that much today, which is fantastic in my book. My stress levels are going down, and my brother leaves for D.C. tomorrow. So, it'll just be me and my mom until friday. I think I can handle that; there won't be as many people jumping on every single thing I do. Just gotta hope for the best.
And hopefully, when I go back to my apartment, I find more than one reason to be able to stay. :)
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