Remember.

Last night I did a lot of thinking, trying to remember. I sat staring into space for the longest time. I thought so long that my head hurt. And, of course, when I finally stopped thinking about it, I actually started to piece some of it together. (Why does everything in my life have to happen ass backwards?) I remember a little bit.

After I took a shower last night, I noticed something. I have swelling in places that can't be explained by anything else. And on and off since yesterday, there's been this rhythmic, pulsing pain every time I try to move or walk. I've gone through every scenario I could think of to come up with a different cause for those things, but I can't.

I feel like throwing up right now.

I don't want to ever think or talk about it again, but I don't know if I can forget. I think the best thing would be to push it to the back of my brain for now, and focus on everything that I need to get done these next two weeks, and deal with it after.

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I had the worst panic attack I've ever had this morning. I woke up and I immediately felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so hard to focus on something other than what I was feeling. You'd think my ADD would kick in, but noooo. I couldn't get back to sleep, fucking nightmares. Stayed up and tried to meditate, but that didn't work out.

I think I'm going to see if anyone wants to go swimming this week. Even though we'd have to use the university pool, I seriously just need to swim until my muscles refuse to function and until I'm too tired to think.