Reminiscing.

I wrote this yesterday after my exam, but blogger was down, so yeah.

All of my finals are done. I have no more finals in my undergraduate career. I can't believe I'm finally saying that. KC and I went for a walk earlier and were reminiscing about freshman year. We barely even talked that year, even though she had the room next to my suite in our dorm. She had this really creepy roommate, and my roommates were psychotic. We almost ended up in a physical fight when they came home drunk one night, all because some girl lied and said I was talking shit about them. First of all, if I were going to talk shit, I'd have said it to their faces. Secondly, they knew I didn't like them. Thirdly, calling me a lesbian isn't an insult, it's a fact. Don't know where they were trying to go with that one. Anyways, we were talking about how it would have been such a better year for both of us if we'd gotten to know each other that year. I wouldn't have isolated myself so much (after getting fucked over so much by my "friends"), and she wouldn't have let her boyfriend control her. We would've been a lot happier. And I probably wouldn't have made as many mistakes or used alcohol to try and solve all my problems. I think we would have done things a LOT differently. But I'm glad that we finally got to know each other and became such good friends. I don't know how I would've gotten through all of the shit that's happened to me this past year if she hadn't been there for me.

My Sociology graduation ceremony is this Saturday. I'm excited for it. KC is going to go to support me and take pictures of everything. We're going to meet up with JB beforehand so she and I can hang out and sit together so the ceremony won't be so boring, haha. Hopefully she got our fraternity cords so we can wear them for both ceremonies. The main graduation ceremony is on Sunday. I'm also going to be sitting with JB during that ceremony. All the sociology majors get to sit in the same area. My mom, brother, and my mom's friend, PM, are coming up for it. I'm both happy and anxious about that. I love PM. She's been one of my mom's closest friends since my mom was in high school. She's always been there for us, and I always give her an enormous hug whenever I see her, which sadly, isn't often. She's one of those people that you instantly feel comfortable around. It's literally impossible to be in a bad mood around that woman. I'm anxious because I know that my mom and I will be arguing all day, because that's what we do. We barely ever agree on anything, and when we do, it's short-lived. My brother… it's never been good between us. We grew up disliking each other. Cursing at each other, throwing things at each other, facing off whenever our cousins would get us all together to play sports. He's never been interested in my life, and I've never been interested in his. I'm still shocked that he even wants to be at my graduation. I know that I'll be receiving a few lectures from him that day, because he won't be home for long since he has to go back to D.C. for work before he leaves for Harvard in the fall, and he needs to get in a few good "lessons" before he leaves. I know he means well, but he always repeats himself and I feel so rude because I always stop paying attention, but I can't help it. I get bored. I've heard everything he's said so many times. He is, however, truly blessed to have so many things going for him. I know that he and my mom both wish I had his ambition, his drive. I've always had a more laid-back, go with the flow attitude. My mom alway said that if she could combine my brother's and my personalities, we'd be the perfect person.

KC and I also talked about how we've changed. I was talking to her about one of my ex-girlfriends and how she always used to talk about how she had no self-confidence. Which made no sense to me because she always seemed so confident whenever we were together. That's what attracted me to her in the first place. Then KC said that her boyfriend told her that she was such an outgoing and confident person, and she was like, "I'm really not, though." And I got all confused and was like, "Yes, you are. You're always  wanting to go new places, try new things, meet new people. You always seem so excited about it." And all she said was, "Yeah, but I'm really nervous and anxious the entire time I'm doing those things." It completely gives me a new perspective on her. I'm not used to her having such little confidence in herself because she's this amazing person with so much intelligence and so many opportunities for her out there. Not to sound cliche/corny but, she's gonna go far. Then we talked about me. I've changed so much. I used to be so so outgoing, wanting to be friends with everyone, always truly happy and smiling, excited about everything in life. I'm not like that anymore. After everything that's happened the past few years, I've become so much more introverted. Less confident in who I am. And I can't stand it. I know exactly when I started to become like this, and it's a legitimate reason for me to change. But, I always thought that I'd revert back to my "old self" at some point, and I haven't. I'm not as happy as I once was. And I don't know what it's going to take to go back to being the happy-go-lucky, 24/7 smiling, I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think, go with the flow girl that I used to be, but I need to try. I can't keep going on like this, keeping everything inside, afraid to say anything because it might offend someone. I never gave a fuck before, I don't understand why I've been holding back and censoring myself for the past few years. I never used to let people walk all over me, and the past year or so, I've been letting everyone (well.. everyone that's gotten close enough to me to know what's gone on in my life) walk all over me and use me to no end. But seriously, enough's enough. I'm done with that bullshit. I'm not going to let everyone ragging on me stress me out anymore. I'm done trying to live up to my family's expectations of me. I'm done competing. I'm just done. It's legit time for a change. I want to be as happy as I was, and I'm not letting anyone or anything get in the way of achieving that.

I've made a summer list. I don't expect to get the majority of that list done by the end of summer. If I don't, it'll just become a life list, and I'll keep adding to it. Among the top ones that I want to cross off the list are: to ride a roller coaster (as I'm extremely afraid of heights, which leads to fear of riding roller coasters). I want to have an RFM Reunion complete with bonfire, marshmallows, swimming in the creek, and a sleepover (possibly in a tent, I think we have one somewhere.. maybe we lost it.. I dunno). I want to drag my favorites to the pride parade this year, since I've never been to a pride event before. And I want to leave New York (for a vacation, not for good -> well.. not just yet, anyway.) -> I want to visit my family in North Carolina. I haven't seen them in a very very long time, not since we took a roadtrip to North Carolina to stay with them for a few days. I remember being intensely happy there. The places, the people, my family. I got to meet so many aunts and uncles and cousins. I think my favorite memory of that trip was hanging out with my cousin, E. She was a lot older than I was, but we had a blast. She showed me around, and we hung out at her place, and her cat was hilarious. It was this 39lb roley poley old fart of a cat, and whenever he wanted to get off the bed he'd just roll off it onto the floor, and you couldn't even see his legs. Also, apparently my mom can fake a North Carolina accent. I wasn't told that story until years later, but it was pretty funny.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. (: