Confession #41

Confession: When I have too much going on in my head, my brain can sometimes, literally, stop working.

It shuts down completely. I'm lucky if I can make sense out of anything. It's actually a surprise to me that I'm able to form coherent thought long enough to write this right now.

I've written exactly 1 paper out of 5. It took me over 2 hours to write 2 pages. Ugh.

If this is any indication on how the rest of the papers will go, I'm going to need A LOT of caffeine to survive tonight.

All I want to do right now is be in my comfiest pajamas, turn the lights off, curl into a ball under the covers, and sleep.

That would honestly be pretty fucking close to perfect.

I have one thought focus that's been a constant in my head all day, one song on repeat.

One terribly unnerving thought.

I need to put this aside for now, to tuck it away until I've finished all this shit.

Then I can begin to process this entire situation.

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Honestly, next to getting some sleep.. this (below) sounds really fucking amazing right now.

That's what I want. I want to just magically be any place but here right now. I want to be in some beautiful, random place, and I want to get lost. I want to see the trees and lakes and fields.

I want to discover hiding places, and flowers, and walking paths.

I want to just lay in that field and not think or worry.

I want to swim, with absolutely no care in the world.

I want to watch the sun and the clouds turn to sunset to twilight to utter darkness. I want to watch a burst of color cover the sky. I want to watch the stars come out.

I want to fall asleep there, completely content with that perfect day.
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Update: Okay, since my brain refuses to function, here's how I'm going to deal.
I have 2 papers done. Out of the other 3, I'm going to do 1 of them thursday night because it's a makeup and I've already given him all but 2, 1 is extra credit and I'm so tired that I'm saying FUCK THAT to it, and the 3rd I'm going to do after I wake up from however long this nap takes.
KC was in here earlier to show me a photo album she'd made, and my head literally just fell into my hands and I said something along the lines of, "My eyes fucking hurt. I'm too tired for any of this. I can't see straight," and closed my eyes. So she smoothed down the top of my hair and said, "Take a break and focus on something far away." Me: "like the inside of my eyelids?" Her: "Yeah.. or like, that piece of plaster falling from the ceiling." Haha, only she could get me to laugh at my biggest moment of exhaustion. I'll probably end up in her room later on and curl up on the bed (like I always do when I'm having problems or shit gets to be too much) so she can talk about her day and make me laugh at stupid things and play with my hair (seriously, the quickest/easiest way to calm me down is to run your fingers through my hair) so I feel better. She definitely deserves an award for being such an amazing friend after everything I've been through this past year.
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Dear Life/Fate,
Please let me wake up here, to this, tomorrow morning.
That would be lovely.
Thanks so much,
Me