Rambling.

"I’m afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of broken promises. I’m afraid of letting my guards down. I’m afraid of giving someone the chance to get to know me personally and making them a part of my daily routine."

I've never been afraid of commitment, or of having someone be a part of my daily life. I don't like the word routine, though. It makes it sound like love is this chore that you have to do each day. This tedious, unpleasant thing. But it's not, well.. most of the time. Some people can make it unpleasant. But others.. others bring this light to your life. Passion. Spontaneity. Weak in the knees. Butterflies. The whole deal. It's a good feeling, when someone can settle so comfortably into your life. And when you're with them, alone. It's like you crave them. It's this intense hunger; not just for the sex, but those intimate moments where you're curled up against one another, fingers laced together, and you can either talk for hours or lay in complete silence and be content.

I am, however, afraid of broken promises. This is why I tell everyone not to promise me anything unless they 100% mean it, and know that they will go through with it or can back it up. Too many people have broken their promises, so sadly, it's hard for me to believe someone when they do promise me something. Unless they prove that they can keep a promise.

I think I've always been slightly afraid of people getting to know me. My life, past and present, can be a lot to handle. Hell, it's a lot for ME to handle. Some people can't deal with the things I've done in the past. Some people can't deal with the fact that I care so much about others (which seems like an odd thing to dislike, but whatever). And then there's those rare people who embrace you for who you are, everything you stand for, and despite whatever flaws you might have or bad things you may have done. Those people make you want to let others in.

My guard.. I don't think it's ever been fully down. Not even with KMC. I almost let it completely down recently. But I couldn't.. I'm too scared to let it down right now. It's so hard for me to trust people. So hard to trust that people mean the things they say to me. I'm trying, I honestly am. But I am truly terrified of what could happen if I let anyone all the way in. I've never been that vulnerable.

Am I ready for that to happen? I have no clue.

I guess time will tell...