Okay, so I left wednesday to go get my ex girlfriend. WHAT A FUCKING MESS. The drive was horrible, seriously took longer than 12 hours, it was freezing, and I had 2 anxiety attacks. The biggest problem was that my ex's phone wasn't working right. She kept texting me asking why I wasn't answering her texts or calls and then got angry. I HAD called her and texted her about 60 times.. apparently her cell couldn't receive any texts or calls for some stupid reason. But she didn't know this, so she got mad and told me she'd be at her house at 7:30am and to call or text if I wanted to.

Well, she wasn't there when we got there at 7:45am. I banged on the door for a good hour or so. We went to drive around town and look for her. I didn't know the name of the place where she worked, so I couldn't go there. We went back to check her house one more time, and then left. =( I cried for literally 4 hours straight. The tears just would not stop. Just as we were almost to the NY border, I go on aim to see her online. I flipped out on her asking her where the fuck she was.. turns out she went to work because she thought we weren't coming because I hadn't answered her. We had a very upsetting conversation.

I seriously cannot believe we drove right past where she works without knowing it. :(

I honestly feel like I've lost every emotion I have, other than this feeling of gut-wrenching sadness and loss. I have NEVER in my life cried this much. My heart physically hurt as we left Indiana, because I wanted to stay there all day for her to come home, but couldn't. I feel like I've lost a part of myself, that huge, special part of myself that keeps me constantly happy and going forward in life. I love this girl with all of my heart, and now have no way to see her (as I literally drained my bank account for this trip). There's a lot of other details to why this is so fucked up, but I don't believe she'd want anyone knowing them so I won't mention it.

All I'll say is that I miss her so terribly, incredibly much, and it feels like I can't breathe because she's not here. It was so hard to sleep in my bed last night.. knowing that she could've been there with me, all snuggled up and warm.. and that sense of loss is driving me to my fucking knees.

I hate this. I hate that she we couldn't find her. I hate that she's not here.