Friday, December 24, 2010

Letters to CH

Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
C.H.,
You fucked up my life. You made it better. I’ll never know if anything you’ve said to me is true. You did, however, give me the courage to love shamelessly, with no guilt.
- A
C.H.,
I swear every letter ends up to you lol. Thank you for some of the fondest memories of my life. That one saturday, you know which one I’m talking about, was amazing. I loved the talk we had, and cuddling with you. It was one of the most comfortable, peaceful days I’ve ever had. Us cuddling on my bed, watching that funny chicken movie (but not really watching it because we were talking so much), your head resting on my chest, my arms around you. It was so easy. I miss that day.
- A
C.H.,
I’m still in love with you, and I think I always will be. I would give you a second chance if you wanted it.
- A
C.H.,
Yet again, another letter to you. Maybe one day I’ll send everything I’ve ever written concerning my feelings to you.
I’ve been battling with so many thoughts since that day in May. I think my world literally shattered when we broke up. I wanted to be perfect for you. I wanted to tell my mom about everything, for you. But I was stupid and I waited too long. If you’d just waited a few more hours.. But, life doesn’t work like that. You yourself admit that you lied and manipulated and played games. I wouldn’t have won either way. You left my heart full of holes, with no hope of repairing them.
And then, last night, when I felt everything just collapsing on top of me.. I contacted you. And even after everything that’s happened between us, you sprang into action. Words of comfort, of anger at what was done to me, of protection, of love. And then, miraculously, laughter. You made me smile and laugh with such ease, and I knew I made the right choice in contacting you. We talked for 2 hours, and nothing could’ve made me happier at that moment. You apologizing, and realizing how you had treated me, made me feel somewhat at peace. I’m happy you’ve found someone who brought out that change in you, the maturity, the caring.. losing the manipulation and lies. She’s good for you, and it makes me so happy to see your life brighten after so much hurting and loss.
I’m glad we’re going to start talking regularly again. Being friends with you is something I will always treasure, even after everything.
Thank you for telling me that I deserve more. I’m going to expect it from now on.
<3
C.H.,
You do keep coming up in a lot of these letters I’m writing. You are still in my thoughts the majority of every day, and even when I’m sleeping. I wish you hadn’t lied. I wish you hadn’t felt the need to manipulate people, as well as myself, when we were together. I wish you hadn’t cheated. I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with you, because it still haunts my every thought, and I’m coming to hate it.
- A
2.C.F.H. - Although you made my life a living hell, I still love you with everything that I am. You’re no longer in this state, and you may no longer love me, but the time we spent together, and all of our conversations, is something that I will keep with me always. <3
C,
I miss you more than I’d ever dare tell anyone. It honestly hurts to breathe.
- A
CFH,
I wish I could forgive you for all the bad things that you’ve done to me. You admit that you treated me like shit.. but then you act like you’re the victim when I explain to you why I’m still so hurt. You continue to hurt me and I’m honestly so sick of it. I’m trying so hard to be friends with you, but the way we both talk to each other.. it feels like we’re talking as if we’re still dating, and I can’t have that happen right now.
Please, just stop making me break down.
- A
CFH,
God fucking dammit. Life with you was a roller coaster ride. From the first day we started talking, I knew I was in love with you. You seemed damn near perfect. You were everything I wanted. Then came the day when I found out that you’d had another girlfriend, for TWO FUCKING YEARS. I can’t even begin to describe how humiliated I felt. We, of course, made up the next day when you told me why you were still with her. It was fucked up, but I let it continue. I came home for spring break, and you fucked me over bigtime, and I forgave you again (I’m a glutton for punishment), and then said you never wanted to speak to me again. Not a week later, you wanted to see me, which never happened. The next time I came home, you wanted to see me. We only spoke for a minute but my heart fucking melted, and I hated myself for my weakness. You ditched our plans to hang out later that night, and the sunday after as well. When I came home for summer break, that day I got to spend with you and your bestie was so much fun, I don’t think it could’ve been more perfect. You came over my house the next night, and we went for a walk and talked, then came back to my room and instead of watching that movie we talked for 3 hours straight about us, and you asked me to be your girlfriend. The next week was nothing but drama with you moving out of you and your ex-girlfriend’s apartment and the whole fucked up situation with J, and you cheating on me while I was right in the next room.. and we broke up. And I hated you for about a day. But I’ve never been able to stay mad at you.
I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy (because I’ve found happiness as well, and wish you the best), even if she lives in a different state. And I hope you come back to visit someday because I honestly value your friendship, even with everything that has happened between us.
- A

1 comment:

  1. We in the same boat but Im starting to get that whats the point of thining about moments that meant nothing to the other person

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